A
male
age
51-59,
*onfused41
writes:Hi AllI am desperate and could really do with some advice.I am 41 year old male, married with two beautiful children aged 7 and 9. I met by partner some 20 years ago and we have now been married for 12 years. I am successful in business and earn a reasonable salary – from a material perspective I have everything I want. Some three years I started to feel real dissatisfaction with my life – I was unhappy on a large scale. On a business trip in April 2007 I struck up an emotional relationship with a co-worker. Nothing physical happened, however, we talked at length about life. She was good from many angles – she listened and talked in a way I felt my wife just didn't understand.......she advised two things (1) that I might be suffering from depression and (2) whatever I did I should seek some form of counselling. I had to admit to myself that I felt attracted to her and if the opportunity had arisen I would have slept with her.On returning home I sat down with my wife and said we had a problem – that was to say I would have slept with another woman if the opportunity had arisen. This coupled with my unhappiness really scared me......I booked myself into counselling.In hindsight the counselling didn't help that much. I did 6 sessions which dug up my past, analysed it and put it back together. I have to say I felt better but in hindsight it really didn't tackle some root problems......as you will see later. One thing the counselling did recommend was marriage guidance, however, at the time my wife didn't feel it was necessary and I have to be honest I didn't push it as much as I should have.Following the counselling I continued having an emotional affair with the co-worker. This carried on for about a year. It wasn't intense in that we would met up every couple of weeks or so – sometimes there was a gap of a month or so. However, my attraction to her continued and got obsessive – for example I would look for her car in the car park and if it wasn't there I would wonder and stress were she was. We only ever met up at lunchtimes and it never got physical. From her perspective I was only ever a friend – when I finally got it into my thick skull that this was the case I pulled the plug realising it was doing me more harm than good.Life carried on in an unhappy state until another business trip in October 2008. On this trip I went with another female colleague – she was and still is under my direct management. Literally from arriving at the airport we started a relationship. On the aircraft we started hugging......by the time we got to the hotel we slept together. The relationship carried on throughout the whole two week trip.........I have to confess the sex was amazing.On returning to the UK the physical relationship stopped. However, we met up nearly on a daily basis for lunch.....we never met up outside of work. This was due mainly to my inability to have an affair whilst living with my wife. However, it was obvious something was up........my emotions went up and down like a yoyo. One minute I would be wanting my new lover, the next I would want to work it out with my wife.The lunches and yoyo effect carried on until April 2009. At this point I agreed to spend a night away with the new lover. The next day upon returning home my wife broke down – she didn't know who I was and I was acting so out of character. I lived with this for a day and then in a complete state of confusion walked out of the martial home. I told my wife I couldn't carry on with the lies and deceit – the mess I had created.So in April 2009 I moved into a friends house. No surprises here, however, I started a relationship with the new lover. It was very discreet as we had to hide it from not only my wife but work colleagues and her ex lover who she still lives with. Additionally, throughout I never really stopped caring for my wife – I had created hell in her world and I couldn't cut myself from this and of course our children. Under these circumstances the new relationship never flourished – in fact in hindsight it probably never stood a chance.Sitting here now I can understand how the new lover was bad for me. She really was very opinionated reference my wife – she would often call her crazy to the point it made her want to puke. I hated this, it was opinion based on what I told her.......she had never met her. Now for all my wife's faults she hasn't got a bad bone in her body, our relationship just got mixed up.Some 4 weeks ago I decided to pull the plug on the affair. Since then I have struggled – she works only 5 feet from me. In fairness she hasn't been bad towards me, however, I miss her.....really miss her. This got particularly bad today – she phoned in ill. Instead of feeling elated she wasn't here I went into complete obsessive mode..........it's now 2.22pm and I haven't stopped. I know it's wrong, however, as her boss I've been able to check her email.........mad, this is so out of character. In doing so I found some correspondence attaching her to another member of staff........and not surprisingly I'm now on a large downer.When I called a halt to the affair I decided to go back and try and rebuild my relationship with my wife. I don't hate her, in fact I really care for her, but honestly I don;t know if I love her. In this period we have started marriage guidance and to an extent it's helped. I have been open and admitted the affair and I have also given her access to my email and phone to build back confidence. However, I would stress that I haven't moved back to the marital home – instead I've taken a flat to find some space.I have to be honest and say I loosing a grip on reality. I can't work out what I want – although I have to probably accept that the affair is well and truly over. As for my wife and children and I paralysed in that I don't want to cause them any more pain.My office job has turned into a nightmare – I dread going to work. I was once the rising star – I'm now the most unproductive person in the company albeit I have hidden it well.What a mess...........I have days where I just want to shut the world out.......so unlike me.Any help would be appreciated.D X
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female
reader, jan123 +, writes (27 July 2009):
you reap what you sow, sorry to say this but ive been that wife and know exactly what your saying ,feeling and ruining.as my husband said to me "he lost his way" i waited for the music to start as it just sounded like the words of a song....i was the best wife and mother he said but just wanted his time....he had an affair and i wonder how he would feel if the boot was on the other foot and i did it to him???? how would you feel...worthless, unloved, ashamed,disgusted? well thats the gift your giving your wife!!! these office romances dont work and once the thrill has been achieved whats left? a ruined marriage, thats what.you dont know it yet but your wife will draw strengh from this and your gonna feel crap and i hope you do.because youve cheated your new loves are gonna never be around for long cos no one wants a cheater thats why they are cheating with you,no one wants them!!!!can a leopard change their spots? do bears poo in the woods..i hope you soon see sense and see whats infront of your nose...your having a midlife crisis ....get a grip before its too late..my husband has come running back after realising what a big mistake he made...im still thinking if i really want him if i really need him and this is 8 months on...hes going through hell, but hey he put me through it so he can hang on a little longer...im the one with strengh im the one with the full hand..its not where i want to be its not what i asked for...take your wifes hand kiss her and walk the rest of life with her...youll regret it if you dont.good luck x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): This is a long one so please bear with me.well, you have created a mess, that much you know. you just did not have one affair, but many. your lies, your deceit, your betrayal. what did it achieve. nothing but heartache and pain, humiliation for your wife and kids. where will it all end. i am glad you stopped your affairs. at least now you realise how wrong you were. . you have made so many errors of judgement. you had everything. yet you threw it away for what? sex? was it worth it. no, it just makes you feel more pathetic , doesn't it. you are a very weak man and i suggest you go into counselling to sort out your messed life. one thing i do not condone- you stringing your wife along. you allowed your lover to berate your wife, humiliate her, laugh at her? how could you. you fed your lover stories about your wife. f*cking up is one thing, you deliberately blackening your wifes name is another. if you do not love your wife, there are plenty decent stable men who will cherish the ground your wife walks on- why? because she is decent, she is warm(?), caring(?), compassionate(?), loyal(?), i think you get the picture. so release your wife, release her to find the man that she deserves. let her find happiness with a faitful man, after all we all deserve happiness and love, so why shouldn't she. i believe she is still you. you have selfishly enjoyed 3 forbidden years out of your marriage. time to ensure your faithful wife gets the same freedom. you know i read your post and i realise you are not confused. you are actually very selfish. you want, want,want. you rationalise your adultery and your multiple affairs. do not try to explain away you destroying your home. you cannot.i am not getting this- "When I called a halt to the affair I decided to go back and try and rebuild my relationship with my wife. I don't hate her, in fact I really care for her, but honestly I don;t know if I love her." you run back to the safety of your wife, but you don't hate her, you don't love her. WTF. nobody forced you to go back to your wife. you conveniently ran back to the wife, yet you CANNOT be decent to your wife. why are you giving her false hope. surely you cannot be that selfish, that cold, that manipulating. what has gotten into you?? self pity and self contempt of the sh1t you have created just doesn't cut it. be a man for goodness sake, stop acting as though the world owes you something. you betrayed all those that love you, yet you act like a victim. victim of what, i ask? you have destoyed your kids lives, your wife's life. yet you cannot commit to her. you do not love her but you want her in your life, for what. you have displayed pathetic misplaced loyalty here. you think only about your lover, not your wife, you care more about what is happening about your lover than your wife. it must have really come as a shock to you when you snooped and discovered that your lover has been getting it on with someone in in the workplace. did not feel great did it? made you feel sh1t didn't it. then think about what your wife is feeling, that is, if you can actually think of someone other than yourself. i do not feel sorry for you. i am actually angry. thi self pity. this self loathing(??)for whose benefit is it? time to open your eyes and time to smell the stink around you - yes, the one you created.a few choices:- snap out of the self pity nonsense and face reality. you created all this h1t around you. you clean it up.- stop f*cking around. having sex willy nilly is not helping. in fact you act like a man undergoing a mid life crises. pathetic. stop your affairs. you know the saying - don't sh1t where you eat- stop f8cking around with the women at work. you will have a reputation. lord forbid, a disgruntled employee claims sexual harassment just to get back at you. - your lover. IT IS OVER. get it in your head and move on. no more yearning for her. anyways she showed you, her darling boss, her true colours. she is getting some and it is not from you. - get back to counselling. go alone and make some sense as to why you mess up. everything you have touched in the last 3 years you have tarnished. you have soiled. you have destroyed. becareful you do not destroy yourself in this process.- your work life. if you cannot cope take some time off. to clear your head. in this difficult times you cannot afford to slacken off. you may just find yourself out of a job, then what?- your kids. What have you put them through. Can you ever make up for this pain. For this torture. Well only time will tell. You need to start being honest with them. And it starts today. 7 and 9 is precious ages. Kids look up to their parents for guidance, they hero worship their dads, do you know this.? You need to be honest and TALK to them. Not burden them with all your emotional drama, but tell them that you are going through some stuff. Make them aware that daddy is trying to make sense of his life. I think you owe them that much. Your kids will have more respect and time for you if you involve them in this healing process. You would not want them to blame themselves now would you. - your wife. Where do i start with this because this is the one person that you have destroyed in your selfish behaviour. 20 years. A lifetime isn’t it. - you say you don’t love her(?)-What exactly do you want from your wife.- how much more selfish do you get. You don’t love her but want to be with her. Is she your safety net. Will she save you from yourself? If you do not love her then let her go. Simple. Cut the drama and stop acting like the drama queen you have become. Release her, allow her some pride, allow her to move on and meet someone who should love her the way she deserves. Is this too much to ask you. You have stolen 20 years of her life already, surely enough is enough? Why put her through the pain again? Why continue to steal her precious years. You seem to be the weak one in this marriage. Therefore i believe your wife will survive, she has survived all you have put her through so far. In fact i admire her. So strong, married to a weakling, who cannot make up his mind. This is how you come across. Woem want strong men, with backbone, not a drama queen. If you decide that you just cannot live without your wife then some to her things to contemplate:- In good faith move back home. Yes. NOW. You have had the freedom for so long. Time to become the family man you once were. You cannot make this work by leaving your wife in limbo. Please move back into your marital home. It shows that you are actually genuine in making a new start with your wife. - Stop the lies, the deceit. This nonsense of craving and trying to find yourself. You found yourself , you just did not like the family man you were. You craved excitement and got burnt in the process. And you are living the hell you have created. - Start doing new things with your wife. Go away together, try to rekindle the spark you once had.- I say this over and over again, and i will spell it out to you too. Wives love to have sex. Husbands must acknowledge this. They must do their business at home. Instead they look for it elsewhere then cry when they are caught. Same in your life. Wives like to screw, they just do not like to be screwed over. Remember this. You have a second chance to rectify the wrongs you have created. You are lucky, many many men have not had that second chance. You have it with your wife – what are you now going to do. You can either make your life better or f*ck it up beyond repair. Cut the self pity nonsense. You knew exactly what you were doing when you conducted all your affairs. So stop crying now. Your life is in shambles. But it is a mess you created. You thought of no one but yourself. You only craved the sexual excitement without taking into account the devastation and pain you delivered to your family. Be a man, admit your wrongs and work toward re building the very lives you have destroyed. Confused no, just messed up. But it is not too late. You can start by going home. Show that you are putting your kids and wife first. If you are really committed to being the man you want to be, start now. Or else you may just miss this window of opportunity. And then you will only have yourself to blame. You have sowed so much of anger, pain and suffering. What exactly do you expect to reap. Take a quite time and reflect and then do something that counts. Make your mistakes work in your favour and rebuild your home. You destroyed it, so only you can fix it, if you want to. The question is, do you?
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (27 July 2009):
 it sounds like your having a midlife crises.
dont be too hard on yourself alot of people go through up's and down's in their mental state.
you have been dissatisfied with life generally that is what is causing this anguish.
i think it'd do you good if you took a break from the hustle and bustle here and take a break on your own to think things over.
you need time alone to contemplate why you act the way you do, and get to know yourself.
No councillor can answer these immediate questions about yourself. only you can.
your wife sounds lovely and supportive and you should be grateful you have her.
the other women may come & go but its been your wife whose stood by you all these years.
is it worth it to lose everything just for a fling?
i think you do love your wife but your not in love with her.
the sparks gone.
to rekindle it, you need some time away in a nice environment to think and contemplate.
you sound intelligent enough to do this.
im sure once you do the answers you need will find you.
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A
female
reader, josephy  +, writes (27 July 2009):
 it's one word ( The Routine )break it add something new to your life and you will see. I always say: go on and be crazy, one day of laughing without a reason won't harm you. (be careful not to harm any body) I don't want you to regret later. alright good luck.
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