A
male
age
41-50,
*Scar82
writes:Okay, so putting this out there: I am gay, and recently went through a pretty horrible breakup. In the midst of this, I developed feelings for a friend of mine. We have only known each other a few months, and though we have hung out a couple times one on one, primarily our interaction has been working on a project together. Problem:He never comes out and defines himself as straight, but has made allusions to the fact that he is solely into girls. A little more about the project, it is a short film where he is playing a gay character. He had a crazy ex-girlfriend who not only cheated on him (and said she was bisexual), but repeatedly tried to get him to tell her he was gay. This affected him so much that I think he sincerely thought about the fact (and somewhat experimented), but either it got too uncomfortable or he really didn't like it, I'm not sure.Problem is, I can't make sense of my feelings. I really like this guy and genuinely enjoy his company. He's well-read, he watches good film, we can talk for hours about subjects I never can with my other friends. I want him in my life, and my feelings of infatuation (if that's what you call them), are getting in the way. I know these things can go away on their own but I don't like being disingenuous, but I also don't want to scare him or make the relationship awkward. I keep holding out hope that he is at least bisexual and open to the idea of a relationship, but there is also the possibility that he is comfortably straight and I have to accept that. But I don't know how to get past my feelings without letting him know. Is this a bad idea? I don't want to lose him as a friend. If he were gay or interested he would be perfect for me. I want us to be close, and i don't want to tarnish the trust we are building. He says he's kissed a boy to prove how straight he is, also the other actor he's been working with is gay, and I told my crush that I didn't want him to think that every gay guy wanted to get in his pants and he answered been there, done that. He also looked at a picture of my sister and said she was cute and I said she's the pretty one and he said, well I'm not into guys but you're pretty handsome. Is he just hiding it really well or am I just ignoring reality?Someone please help!
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male
reader, Koolaid091 +, writes (21 August 2009):
 Everyone is diffrent you will never truly know he is gay until he tells you..or you ask him. Gay people are the worlds best finger pointers they spend most of there life trying to cover up a secret until its not possible anymore.Thats why they come out...they get sick of liveing a lie..and they decide they want to live there life the way they want to finally...just tell him..thats why we were given words lol to talk...tell him how you feel and let him analyze it...if a person has feelings for someone they dont come right out and say it they will hint hint hint hint...till it gets to that point where it now or never.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): I think if you really want this man, you should go for it. If he's truly a friend then he won't mind you being gay (you already know he's not homophobic) and if he goes for it, wow!
How you go about it is another question. Getting a so-called 'straight' man into bed is a real challenge. It's also well worthwhile when it works! It does sound like the guy is potentially bi, he has kissed a guy before, maybe it just wasn't the right guy. You could be the one to unlock that part of him. See how the chemistry develops.
Him saying you were handsome might have been trying to give you a hint, or maybe he was just being nice. Sue's got a point, since you're openly gay it is up to you to make a move. Subtly try and let him know you're interested. Keep up the eye contact, find subtle ways of physically touching, maybe ask him to come swimming with you (in my experience, a great way of finding out whether a man is up for it). Or since you both love good films, invite him round to watch a movie with a bottle of wine, and sit near him. Judge when 'the moment' has arrived, and be brave.
And since he's already praised your appearance, nothing wrong with telling him you think he's gorgeous. At worst, he'll be flattered.
I really hope it works out, best of luck xx
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A
male
reader, JScar82 +, writes (20 August 2009):
JScar82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses! How do I push it without it being overt? I don't want to risk this friendship but I also am tired of being careful, that's no way to be friends, either.
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A
female
reader, silly sue  +, writes (20 August 2009):
I think you should kind of make your feelings known without actually trying to "get into his pants" and trying to move it to a sexual level first. I think (but am not absolutely sure) that given that you are very open and honest in your post you will be able to be open and honest with him too. Try asking how he would feel about dating you, and make it clear that you still want him as your friend even if he would not be open to the idea. Just be "straight up" (silly pun, I know) and say something a long the lines: I hope it doesn't interfere with our working relation, but I kind of like you, how would you feel about dating. I think because you are openly gay the ball is in your court- so you have to make the first move.
Good Luck !
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