A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I am extremely confused...I have been best friends with this guy for about 10 years. We do just about everthing together and we both really value the time we spend together. We are also currently room mates... We have become extremely close and know everything there is to know about each other. I have been in love him for years and kept it all a secret (including the fact that I am bi). I finally got up the courage to tell him that I was bi and that I loved him more than a friend. I just couldn't keep all of my feelings that I had for him bottled up. He took it very well, and nothing has changed between us. He simply said that he wasn't that way. We actually got in a bit of an argument today about it all...he said that he's not 100% happy because he really wants to be in a relationship with a girl and get married some day (we are both in our mid 20's) and he said that I (me) am perfectly happy because I don't really have a desire to be with a girl and would be happy being with him the rest of my life (cause I joke with him and say stuff like "I wish we could be together forever"). This is all true, I have finally come to terms with the fact that I know I would be the happiest guy in the world if I could be with him the rest of my life. The bottom line is (and this is where the confusion sets in), he says all the time that he isn't that way and wants to get married some day. However, he does things constantly that makes me think he could potentially feel the same way about me but is too proud/embarassed to show it (he is an extremely proud person). For example (this has all happened even after I told him that I was bi and loved him more than a friend)...if we are reading something on the couch on the computer he will sometimes let me put my head on his shoulder and let me keep it there for quite a while...he touches me a lot on my stomach and always tries to tickle me and play around...we hug each other a lot and sometimes he will let me put my head on his shoulder longer than normal...when I hug him from time to time I will even kiss him on his head and he lets me do that...he will randomly tell me that he loves me a lot and I will almost always tell him I love him when we are talking on the phone before we hang up...like tonight he called me and was like hey when are you getting home from work...I wanna hang out and put a fire in the fireplace and watch a movie together. What's even more weird is that he will do things sometimes to incinuate stuff, like he will put a water bottle by mouth and move it up and down...sometimes I will grab his hand and he will hold it longer than normal and he'll say jokingly "ur gay". Sometimes he will let me give him a back massage for like 20 minutes and I will touch him all over his back/neck/face/etc. There's a lot of other things similar to what I mentioned that he does that makes me think he may be kind of bi...but he insists he isn't...it's just hard for me to believe. I almost think he may be but just to proud to admit it (and probably ashamed too). I love him more than anything else in the world (true genuine love) and I know he loves me a lot too...We are both completely straight acting guys (you probably could never tell I am bi). I just don't know if he's hiding his true feelings or what! I almost think that even if he did want to be with me he would fight it to the end and try to be straight... It's just so hard for me because I love him unconditionally, I love everything about him...even his faults...what do I do??? Any suggestions????
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): just to add to AvgGuy1's point, i would like to say that if this is the case then don't be offended if he does come out to someone else before you, as it seems you would expect him to start a relationship with you as soon as he stuck his toe out of the closet (i dont blame you cos i would be the same)... he may want to talk to a friend rather than a "crushee" if thats a word :P who won't instantly make a move on him... and tbh even if you're not like that he might misjudge you to be through general sterotype.... also, even though its like a ten times more hurtful scenario, be prepared to face that if he is gay and he comes out... he might not feel for you like that because he loves you as too much of a brother... but then a dude is a dude, gay or straight and ultimately dick comes first (excuse the pun) so this would be highly unlikey :P
A
male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (21 December 2010):
 Given what you wrote in your response... I would say that your friend is at LEAST bi... if not fully gay. Remember, coming out is an extremely difficult process. It sounds like he hasn't even accepted the fact himself - let alone being able to come out to someone else - even you.
Give him time. I think he'll come around.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your feedback!
I would like to make one thing clear (in response to a post), this is definitely not all about me and there is no girl involved right now...he is single. I do appreciate your feed back though!
This is just one of the hardest things I have ever gone through!! It's just ridiculously confusing! I understand that some people do things to get a reaction...but he approaches me soo many times and just does things that makes me think he may be bi/gay. When I told him two weeks ago that I was bi and in love with him he was kind of emotional about it...the way he reacts makes it seem that he does feel the same way about me. The only catch is that he would be the type of person that would deny the fact the he is gay/bi to the end...that's just how he is.
I, in NO WAY want to force him or persuade him to be this way if that's not who he truly is. However, if he does truly feel this way about me too, I wish he would admit it. I always tell him the reason I feel that way about him is because "you love who you love", (regardless if your a male/female).
Seriously, in addition to all the things I mentioned in my first post...what 100% straight guy would you do those things?? Even tonight, we went to dinner and he let me put my head on his shoulder while he was driving...I just don't get it!!!
Our relationship feels soooo genuine and true and again I love him more than anything in the world and he tells me all the time how much I mean to him and how much he loves and cares about me...all the components are there except for him admitting he's bi/gay. I am not trying to imagine this but I really don't think he is being true to himself. I have mentioned this to him in the past and he's usually the type that will snap right back if I am saying something about him that isn't true but every time I tell him that I don't think he is being true to himself...he doesn't say anything.
At any rate, while I would give up almost anything to be with him, I do feel like I am in a win/win situation. If he truly isn't bi/gay (even thought it would be hard for me to accept) then I still have my best friend in the world who completely understands me and accepts me for who I am. From reading some of these posts on other questions, I feel very lucky to have a best friend like him in my life. I couldn't ask for anything more.
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A
male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (20 December 2010):
Boonridge has nailed it pretty fairly on the head of the nail.
Your friend... MIGHT be bi, but it doesn't sound like he's interested in having a physical relationship with you... other than the usual platonic hugging kind of thing that lots of guys do. My best friend from college - whom I'm STILL very close to - would let me touch him, massage him, hug, kiss on cheek/forehead even cuddle him - just no touching the crotch area. He is straight... just very accepting. You friend might be the same.
If you truly LOVE your friend. Just keep leave it at that. If you do, you'll most likely have a friend FOR LIFE who you can talk to, cry on (when someone else breaks your heart), etc. Pressing him for more than what you currently have will most likely cause such a rift as to completely shatter your relationship with him altogether.
I know it's really hard but you're just gonna have to find someone who you KNOW is gay to have a full-on relationship with.
Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (18 December 2010):
 this is going nowhere, he loves the attention and you will be sucked into this forever unless either A. he makes a move which seems unlikely as you are the one giving him physical attention as well as the fact he said he isn't interested in you or B. he finds a girl and your heart is broken.
i had a friend i was in love with for years that always said he had no interest in being with me yet was always trying to play me for attention e.g. one time he put his feet up on my lap and i got a boner and then he put a cushion on it and then put his feet back on top teasing me, other instances were standing way to close to me (people had often asked were we a couple) and always puting his crotch in my face unnecessarily. anyway at some point i just realised i had to move on. when he got a girlfriend while in a foreign country. broke my heart but its better it happend sooner rather than later as since i have broken his hold on me i have never been happier (i've been in love with him since i was 14, and i'm 25 now).
people who play you for attention are doing you more harm than good because even if they like you they have no intentions of turning their desire into action, in my experience anyway.
i understand how mindblowingly frustrating this is for you. best thing you can do is redefine the boundaries of your friendship and make an effort to meet gay men who ARE willing to have a relationship with you.
its hard and i know it isn't what you want to hear but this is how i have found things to be for me at least...
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