A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and myself have been together for 3 and a half years, lived together for 3 and have two little girls. His family is scattered all over the world. he has a brother, a half brother, 2 sisters and a step sister. When we met, his sister, who's two years younger than him, was on a different continent, they never spoke and I only saw a couple of pictures of her. When we moved in together she moved back to SA and she was very unfriendly towards me. She told me I've taken her brother away from them, etc etc. But my fiacne was always completely different towards me ibn front of her, normal in front of his other sister, but in front of this one... he never put his arm around me or looked at me, basically pretended I wasn't around. he would stare at her even if she was talking to someone else on the opposite side of a room and completely disregard me, who was standing next to him. She moved away again after a year or so, with her new boyfriend and my relationhsip with my fiance has been on a steady track whilst she's been gone. he was affectionate and caring. Now she's arrived back here, two weeks ago. And she always asking him favours and he jumps and runs, he never did it for his other siblings. He will take nothing she offers him in return and completely ditched me and his children to do her favours, like transporting stuff around for her. Last night we went to a braai that she was invited to as well and my fiance never touched me, never put his arm around me, seemed completely infatuated with her.He never even sat next to me once and when i tried to get his attention for him to come sit by me for a little while, he ignored me and stayed by her. Our sex was dull when we got home, it felt like he was doing it because he felt forced and there was no passion. When I've tried to ask what the hell happens around her he tells me that insinuating he has feelings for his sister is disgusting and immature. Even if I just say, why didn't you come near me, he immediately gets insulted.Am I going crazy or do you think there is something I should worry about?Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you anonymous
When they were younger, they were close. they had the same interestd, shared the same friends. he actually dated quite a few of her friends. But three years before we met she moved to Australia and they could have kept contact but didn't. They could have e-mail, smsed, phoned, whatever... they had the means, but they didn't. And then a few months into my relaitonhsip with my fiance she came back and i've already said what happened then. I've been to lunch with her before, a few times, by myself whilst my fiance's been at work and she's told me a lot about her past, and most of it had nothing to do with my fiance and she also shared a lot of information that he doesn't know about, like past her relationships and their paretns relationship. The lunches were quite uncomfortable, and I did make the effort.
We're getting married next year October. I know his family thinks i trapped him but it wasn't an accidental pregnancy. It was something we both wanted and something I hacve not regreted for one second of the last 3 years. My fiance is 24 and when he had his babies and when he's with them, I've never seen him happier and I think his family see's this too. but his whole family abandoned him at some point in his life and he's told me this before. His dad, his mom, his siblings, He has always felt alone.
the time he spends doing favours for her isn't alone time, her boyfriend is ALWAYS with her. But I can't be becasue of our girls and my fiance generally using his bakkie to do the favours. She is very spoilt though so you are right about her needing to get her way.
"Maybe he knows she has a grudge with you and so doesn't act affectionate toward you around her because of that. If that is the case then that is not acceptable. You are his girl and the mom of his kids. They might not be happy with the way things happened but it is what it is. And he needs to treat you with respect in front of or not in front of his family/sister, especially since he made the choice to be with you and raise the family together. " i completey agree with.
How much more time do they need to accept this? it's been three years already...
A
female
reader, Anna.mika  +, writes (20 December 2010):
i would just like to add another point of view to the situation. i don't mean to offend you or anything this is just my opinion and there's a huge chance that i'm wrong. from your post i think your problem might have something to do with you doubting that your fiance has feelings for his sister and him ignoring you around her
if its the former then there is a chance that he might have actually feeling for her, it is a common psycological trait that if two siblings who haven't shared their childhood or teen years with eachother, especially the age when you start puberty till it ends but meet later in life can be attracted to eachother. it happens because of genetic similarities, normally people get over it quickly and the relationship develops into a normal healthy brother-sister relationship, but on rare occassions it leads to infatuations and obssession
for the latter part the reason is either the one stated above or it might be like you said that she isn't too fond of you, maybe that affects your fiance alot more than you might know. maybe her opinion matters alot to her and that's why he distances himself from you when he's around you to show her that he's still this old self. maybe he goes lengths to please her so that she sees how nice he is when he's with you. maybe this is all an attempt to get her to start liking you alot. maybe he's just torn between the two women in his life
but there's just one way of figuring it out, that is by discussing it with him but you'll have to be tactful coz as you said he gets insulted easily. try to talk to him very calmly and if he doesn't wanna talk about it just back out of it but tell him that you do wanna discuss this sometime, being calm all along
hope everything works out for the better
Everyone please pray that i'm wrong about the first part
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): If what you are insinuating is that they might have feelings for each other, then no I don't think that is what is going on. If anything it sounds like she is jealous and weary of you, just like often happens in many families with siblings. Maybe she is really close to him. She is young so not ready to deal with the fact that he is married and has his own family.
My sister (who I am really close to) recently got married and it is very difficult. She has a husband, a family and things have changed alot. With all these new responsibilites she can't be there for me in the same way as before. I wish she would take more time for me.
You are very young...Are you both married? Maybe his family feels spited that you fell pregnant so early in the relationship. Was this a planned pregnancy? How old is he? Maybe they had other plans for their son and feel like he got trapped into something he didn't really want and are now kinda weary of you. You know how families can be...they see their own kids in a great light and often put the blame on the spouse or the "outsider."
Maybe his sister feels especially strongly about it and he feels the need to compensate by "doing her favors" which maybe really is just spending alone time with her (which ALL sibings need sometimes, just alone family time.) And it sounds like it is all being pressured on him by his own family. She is probably kind of spoiled and always gets her way. In the meantime you are being slighted. Maybe he knows she has a grudge with you and so doesn't act affectionate toward you around her because of that. If that is the case then that is not acceptable. You are his girl and the mom of his kids. They might not be happy with the way things happened but it is what it is. And he needs to treat you with respect in front of or not in front of his family/sister, especially since he made the choice to be with you and raise the family together.
Time will make the family accept you more. And perhaps with time his sister will realise what a jerk she has been and even apologize. And maybe at the moment to keep the peace, your hubby is trying to make everybody happy. Even so you need to let him know that no matter what his family thinks, he needs to treat you with respect and affection.
And above all always take the high road, be the bigger person. It sounds like his family is quite a trip. Unplanned pregnancy's at a young age, however, often cause alot of discord and judgment within families. Try to do your part to be understanding about their feelings/disillusion and if you have to work extra hard to gain their approval, then do it. Show them you are not a bad guy. I gotta say though protective families are a tough act to follow...If you see this turning into a lose lose and no matter what you do, you get the short end of everything, and your boyfriend will not show you and the kids the most importance and the proper respect/attention, then maybe you should consider raising the baby on your own...
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank your and rescuer for your posts.@anonymous... If you go around basing whether a story is true or not on one contradiction, all people will be liars. But fine, you caught me. She never told me. The first time she arrived here she spent a lot of time wih us but she wasn't happy having me around and so shortly aftr my fiance receieved an e-mail from his mother and other sister, claiming I've removed him from their family and that he should go out with just her and leave me at home. It did affect my life, my fiance was extremely upset about it. "Running after like a dog" I stick to that. She asks, he runs. It's not for her protection, in fact she has a very kind, loyal and helpful boyfriend who could do the same things. Unfriendly... When I first met her, she was sitting in my house. I was out, came home, and there she was. She turned to look at me, said hi and carried on with her conversation with someone else. She would never have a conversation with me, when I tried to inlcude nyself in a group one, she blatantly ignored what I said. I do have e-mails in which she calls me a stupid bitch. but it is a bit better now that she has a boyfriend and he's a really awesome guy.I don't thik he's doing anything with her, I don't think they've discussed anything to do with what implying. my question was "Am I going crazy or do you think there is something I should worry about?" is there the possibilty he may be feelig what i think he's feelig?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): With all due respect, the reason I am skeptical is because you seem very emotional and somewhat quick to judge without giving proper insight and explanation: "He doesn't protect her, he runs after her like a dog!"
When people are emotional they often aren't thinking rationally.
Your whole post does not seem objective but just very black and white. Basically, he's a bad guy, she's a bad guy, and their in love, peppered and held together with a bunch of blanket statements. "She was very unfriendly" --you never explained how so or why this points to them having an affair? "She told me I'm taking the brother away," which then turned into "She told the family, not me!" ... not that it matters but if you read your post you will see you DID say she told YOU that you took him away from his fam. And now you changed that...now this is something she told the fam and you heard through the grapevine?? Your story is very inconsistent. And if you heard it through the grapevine why do you care?? How is that affecting your life?? What's to say it is even true?
I mean if something was going on don't you think you would have found emails? Phone calls? Letters? Some hard evidence?
The only "evidence" you provide is that you seem to think he was staring at her across the room. You seem to think he was more aloof towards you in her presence. And you think that your sex life was terrible the day he saw her. If he was so inlove with her, how did he even manage to get it up?! If he was obsessing about her so badly why did he even have sex with you? He could've called it a night and turned you down...I have been paranoid too before...it sounds more like paranoia than your man about to leave you for his sister.
No I don't believe you. I'm sorry.
What seems likely is that your husband is senstive about you bringing this up because it is so ludicrous and perhaps he is tired of it. Another thing that sounds more likely than them having an affair is that perhaps, in a protective way towards her brother, she is not too fond of you...and seeing how you are so emotional and have such an active imagination it is not surprising if that is what is really going on.
Take anonymous's advice and see if your friends notice what you are talking about...
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (18 December 2010):
 Tell him, I'm not accusing you, but if we are going to remain together then ............... needs to happen. Begin it where you tell him you need to get this off your chest. He is to sit, and not interrupt when your talking or try to justify what you have to say. Tell him what you see, but also how what you see makes you feel. Let him know that there needs to be a change in this behavior or you might have to make a change in your relationship. You don't deserve this treatment, so when you talk, be firm. If he verbally attacks, tell him to shut the f**k up and listen, because it's your turn to talk.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): can you invite some of your friends over when he and his sister are also around and have your friends observe his behavior and give you their input?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers :)@ rcn-I try talking nicely, making subtle comments about him not coming near me, talking about his behaviour, saying that actions speak louder than words. When i do, i get verbally attacked. @ rescuer- my mother and a friend commented on his relationship with his sister the first time she came here, but i defended my fiance, saying he hadn't seen her in a few years and to give them time. She is pretty. I didn't take him away from his family. When I met him, he felt alone. As i said, his family is scattered on different continents. He hit a low (LDR girlfriend of 3 years cheated and left him, bakkie got stolen, job was awful)He was looking into going to Australia, which is where this sister and his mother were at the time. When we met he had started changing his mind and when I fell pregnant he said his place was with me and his child. He and his sister hadn't communicated in a couple of years, they could have, if they wanted to, and when she arrived here she expected him to drop me and everything. We were planning to just hang out with her.@ anonymous- She didn't tell me i took her brother away. She told the rest of their family and it resulted in a big fight. She is more independent than any one of his other siblings. I know she's had a messed up past, but my fiance has never included himself in her problems. All three of his real siblings have worked in bars and restaurants for the last 3 years (also a choice they've made as they have the means and knowledge to study). He doesn't protect her, he runs after her like a dog. Sexually, maybe, I'm looking for something that wasn't there. But it seems to be too big of a coincidence that our sex life has been amazing for the last month. Then all of a sudden last night was awful. He usually initiates kissing and foreplay but it never happened.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): From what you describe I think you might be overreacting. But I can't be sure. It does all sound pretty vague.
You say that she said you took their brother away. Maybe she meant it as a joke. Friends of boyfriends have told me that same thing before. They usually mean it as a compliment. As in, "he's crazy about you. Your taking him away from us." It is not mean spirited.
He does favors for her. Well maybe he sees her as his little sister and feels protective of her. Perhaps she was the type who needed to be looked out for more than the others. Maybe she got into more trouble than all the others. I have always had boyfriends with little sisters and they enjoy doing nice things for them and caring after them. It is not unusual.
I think you might be reading something that is not there. That is his little sister. If you would like you could try asking more questions about what the family was like growing up and maybe you could find out that way why it seems he is more inclined to protecting her more.
The fact that you seem to think he is not as affectionate with you or the sex wasn't as good...hate to say this but you might be looking into something that is not there and missing what is actually going on. I don't know.
But, sincerely, I don't think any of this sounds unusual or anything for you to worry about.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 December 2010):
I believe actions speak louder than words. I don't know and won't make accusations about the relationship that he has between him and his sister, only to say that the way he treats you when he's around her is wrong, immature and disrespectful.
I would be worried, only because his behavior shows signs that there is something to worry about. When you bring it up, he jumps to attack you for making accusations, which is also a sign inside itself. I would ask him. Tell him you're not accusing him of anything, but you want to know why you're ignored when she is around. Give examples of this different treatment, and ask him to explain or what you should think about this different behavior. Let him know that behavior is an unspoken language, and shows truth where often words do not.
I hope this helps.
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