A
female
age
41-50,
*oveyDoveyBear
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 months, we both have trust issues since our exes cheated on us. We have our little fights here and there but we usually apologize and make up afterward. I have been in a handful of relationships that didn't work out and i'm so tired of it. I broke up with my ex about a year ago and I met my now bf, besides the things I just mentioned above everything else seemed fine and he treats me better than any other bf I've had but there is something I feel that he is hiding and I confronted him about it, he explained to me that he is in some trouble but that he's not cheating or anything similar to that and told me he will tell me later on. My bf wanted to move closer to work to save on gas..so I helped him pack and move his stuff to his new place..while packing at his old apt I found an envelope that had some documents in it and saw the envelope is from a law office, I read the letter dated back 4 months and it said that his dissolution petition was filed to the Court..I'm so shocked I don't know what to do he didn't tell me he was married and going through a divorce...all this time I thought he just had an ex gf that cheated on him. I fell for him head over heels and I just don't know what to do, should I wait til he is ready to tell me about this or should I be confronting him about this? I don't want to confront him with it and then just have it end right here...I'm not totally sure but I feel that his feelings are sincere towards me....but what should I do in this situation? I've said to myself before that I would not get involved with a man that has been married and has a child, and now I'm faced with this that I can't even believe it...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): It's sad when a woman learn the hard way about a man's secrets. Always, always do a background check on the man you are dating. Find out as much history as you can about them. There are too many weirdos out there. Dig deep. I don't care if you have to snoop and go through their financial records, if you have access to them. Paper trails don't lie.He lied to you about being married and going through a divorce. That is a MAJOR LIE.He lied about his situation and took advantage of you to get you for sex.I never fully trust anyone. I always have my guard up.I would not be wasting my time and I would have dumped him right then and there.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 February 2013):
 I strongly disagree with the anon reader, sex unspecified : no, for all intents and purposes he is still married until his divorce becomes final. Besides,your marital status is something that should be crystal clear from the very beginning , so that the other person may make an informed decision if they want to date someone who is separated, divorced, has kids etc... , it's not a minor detail that can be left for later on. He LIED , by omission. Probablyt he knew or imagined that you weren't enthusiastic about men with " baggage " and that was his way to manouvre around theobstacle. coward and manipulative.
In view of that, and since anyway it's barely two months you date and already you have fights " here and there " , I would disadvise you from continuing the relationship, because that's the way he'll deal with you in future, the same way as he started :by pulling the wool over your eyes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): Hi, I dont think he lied, he may not have been forth coming with his situation. How did he lie? He is for all intense purposes single, you have no reason to believe he has been unfaithful. It also depends on what you told him about yourself that he felt he could not yet tell you he was getting a divorce. Look at it from his persepctive, he probably was scared that if he told you , he would lose you, he also said he will tell you in time whats going on. I believe that he would have told you if you did not have have trust issues. I would not confront him, but give him a chance, especially if I love him and he has treated me well also he has not given you any reason to believe he was unfaithful.Also some people are private and just want to deal with certain things on their own. If you love him and believe him then give him the time to come to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2013): "We have our little fights here and there but we usually apologize and make up afterward."If you're already having fights after only two months, then this relationship is just as unhealthy and dysfunctional and doomed as your previous failures. "should I wait til he is ready to tell me about this or should I be confronting him about this?"Neither. He'll never tell you on his own and if you confront him then he'll just lie and blame you for not respecting his privacy. "I'm not totally sure but I feel that his feelings are sincere towards me...."If he's been lying from the start, then his feelings aren't sincere, no matter how much he strokes your ego and fluffs your vanity by telling you exactly what you want to hear."but what should I do in this situation? I've said to myself before that I would not get involved with a man that has been married and has a child, and now I'm faced with this that I can't even believe it..."You should have already trusted your good judgment and common sense and therefore dumped this loser the instant you knew he was still legally married and had been lying about it from the start . . ."and now I'm faced with this that I can't even believe it...". . . but since your ego and vanity want to believe that he "treats [you] better than any other bf [you've] had" you're overriding your brains and backbone by going into denial about what a lying scumbag he really is.There's a reason you jump from one disastrous relationship to another, and until you understand what unresolved issues are motivating and driving your behavior then you'll continue to allow men to use you as a doormat. I suggest you seek counselling so you can resolve and overcome whatever issues you may have.
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