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female
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anonymous
writes: I am in love with my best friend's boyfriend. I am 24 years old and married and I am deeply in love with my best friend's boyfriend. They have been together for a little over a year, and we have had a sexual relationship, for just about as long. Before he and I got into our sexual relationship, we had a conversation about not falling in love with each other, because of that conversation I don't want to tell him how I feel. I also have no idea how he feels about me. I know that when we get together whether we are alone or not, we spend most of the time talking to each other, and when we are alone, we can't keep our hands off of each other, but we don't just have sex either, we talk, we laugh. He always says he feels guilty afterwards, because of my best friend, and because my husband completely trusts him. I don't feel guilty because I know I love him....What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2006): Well, dear--the last time I checked the definition of sociopathy, it read like this. It involves a personality disorder with some of the following traits: No sense of responsibility, inability to control impulses, lack of moral sense, emotional immaturity, lack of guilt and self-centeredness. Do you not see what we see here, hun? If you feel you are 'not' a sociopath in the technical sense, you certainly sure are displaying some borderline traits here, especially with how you have 'chosen and made the clear cut decision' to live your life without a conscience. So when Malyce states that 'your lack of remorse is troubling'...I must say I totally concur. Your 'infidelity' problem started long before this affair, and it involves what you forgot to bring into your marriage with your husband. When two people have that ultimate love which everyone craves, they never forget who they are married to. Whatever your reasons were for marrying your husband, they were not sufficient to sustain a happy, solid marriage. So now you know you have never loved your husband in the way he truely deserves. Because if you truly loved your husband, you could never have done this.
You say you have no way out of this marriage for financial reasons. You are hanging onto your marriage because you have no way out. Why not do the hard work of becoming a self-reliant, independent and strong woman and regain back your self-respect. I have heard heartbreaking stories of single Moms with babies in tow, that have left miserable marriages, with only the clothes on their back, no money, no family and they managed to make a better, more happier life. So why can't you? Find a way and get your integrity back, once again. Divorce your husband and make your own life, for yourself. Stop being so dependent on everyone else to give you that life. That simply is 'using' others so you don't have to face up to the harsh realities of 'doing it all on your your own'. Before you dao all this, you do owe your husband an explanation. You may want to tell him you deceived yourself about your feelings for him. He has done nothing wrong, the least you can do is to tell him that.
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (9 August 2006):
 As an academic, you are all the more susceptible to rationalizing away your behaviour. Furthermore you don't yet realize that your academic training imbues you with an arrogance that blinds you to what we mere mortals plainly see. Are we supposed to be impressed that you are working on a psychology degree? How does this help the agony aunts inform your behaviour in this mess?
If you really want to prove to us your academic mettle, then try this common academic technique: Poke holes in your own arguments so that you can validate their strength. It's easy to see your own side of a debate. It's a much more difficult exercise to defend your argument by arguing against your premises.
I suggest you start with the most recent response you gave that begins "To Malyce_Synn72". I'll be interested to see what you come up with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Malyce_Synn72
For 1 I would not say that I was a "sociopath" based soley on the fact that I am having an affair. my "boyfriend" and I did show restraint in the begging of whatever it is that we have started. Eventually though our bearings ran down. I never stated that he would not leave his GIRLFRIEND (not wife) for me, for the fact of the matter is, I have never asked him to. I know that I chose to pursue a sexual relationship with this man, and I thought that I could keep it just that, regardless of how I know I felt, even before he was taken. I thought I could be strong. I knew that my husband didn't do the things for me that I felt I needed,. He didn't say the things I needed to hear, and this man did. He made me feel beautiful, and regardless of what you may beleive, NO ONE has ever made me feel like that. But that my dear, also does not make me a sociopath. As of currently, I am working on my masters degree in psychology, and I realise that everything I have said here, probably denotes that I should be in therepy myself, but....upon thourough studying, and speaking with my professor about a matter such as this (of coarse names and such changed) I do not see a correlation between me, and your "definition" of a sociopath. The only excuse I made, was that I was in love with him from the start, regardless if I made the mistake of getting married young, and choosing the wrong man for my destiny. People make those mistakes everyday, 89% of people get divorced anymore, and I am not condoning that, but alot of people make the same mistake I did....does that make them all sociopath's too? I do love my husband, but not as a wife. I love him as my best friend, I do not wish to see him hurt. Marrying him was a foolish thing to do, But without him I have nothing. Through the course of our marriage, he has not allowed me to work. Therefore I have nothing of my own, the car, the house, the bills, they are all in his name. When I leave him, I have no where to go, that is what binds me to him. I have no job, therefore, I can not get a home of my own, I live in a rural part of the country, without a car, I have no way to get to work. So I feel I am stuck where I am, I have no family to lean on, and quite frankly my 3 best friends in this world, the only 3 people I have, are in this web that I (admittedly) have spun. So you suggest I tell my husband, who will tell my best friend, and leave me to hopefully rely on the fact the my "boyfriend" loves me like I love him, and he'll take care of me....I think not. He should have to grow like I will have to grow, I don't want to depend on him, I want to make it on my own before I have his shoulder to lean on. But that will take my power to do so. And beleive me I am trying.
Regardless, Thank you for your advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2006): For everyone.
A current book I am reading is titled "The Sociopath Next Door" by, Martha Stout Ph.D.
She lists the "Thirteen Rules of Dealing With Sociopaths In Everyday Life":
1. The first rule involves dealing with the bitter pill that some people literally have no conscience.
These people do not often look like Charles Manson or Ferengi Bartender. They look like us.
2. In a contest between yoru instincts and what is implied by the role a person has taken on-educator, doctor,leader,animal lover, humanist, parent-go with your instincts.
3. When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the the Rule of Threes regarding claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilitites he or she has. Make the Rule of Threes your personal policy.
One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding insteand. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you're dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behaviour. Cut your losses and get out soonsd you can. Leaving though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly.
4. Question Authority.
On this, it is a lengthy explanation. She speaks of most politicians are sociopaths as they have no guilt or remorse in waging war on others and killing innocent people. She also quotes from Stanley Milgram's study and his drawn conclusions that 6 out of 10 people will blindly obey to the bitter end an official looking authority in their midst.
5. Suspect flattery.
Compliments are lovely, especially when they are sincere. In contrast, flattery is extreme and appeals to our egoes in unrealistic ways. It is the material counterfeit charm, and nearly always involves an intent to manipulate.
...Just as an individual pumped on on the flattery of a manipulator is likely to behave in foolish ways, exaggerated patriotism that is flattery-fueled is a dangerous thing.
6. If necessary, redefine your concept of self respect.
Too often we mistake fear for respect, and the more fearful we are of someone, the more we view him or her as deseriving respect.
7. Do not join the game.
Intrigue is a sociopath's tool. Resist the temptations to compete with a seductive sociopath, to outsmart him, psychoanalyze, or even banter with him/her. In addition to reduceing yourself to his level, you would be distracting yourself from what is really important, which is to protect yourself.
8. The best way to protect yourself from a sociopath is to avoid him, to refuse any kind of contact or communication.
The only truly effective method in dealing with a sociopath you have identified is to disallow him/her from your life altogether.
Sociopaths live completely outside of the social contract, and therefore to include them in relationships or other social arrangements is perilous.
You will not hurt anyone's feelings. Strange as it seems, and though they may try to pretend otherwise, sociopaths do not have any such feelings of hurt.
If total avoidance is impossible; make plans to come as close as you can to the goal of total avoidance.
9. Question yoru tendency to pity too easily.
Respect should be reserved for the kind and the morally courageous. Pity is another socially valueable response, and it should be reserved for innocent people who are in genuine pain or who have fallen on misfortune. If, instead, you find yourself often pitying someone who consisitenly hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to 100 percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.
...Do not be afraid to be unsmiling and clamly to the point.
10. Do not try to redeem the undredeemable.
Second (third, fourth, fifth) chances are for people who possess conscience.
...At some point, most of us need to learn the important, if disappointing, life lesson that, no matter how good our intentions, we cannot control the behaviour-let alone the character structures-of other people. Learn this fact of human life, and avoid the irony of gettting caught up in the same ambition he/she has-to control.
Sociopaths do not want help; save your need to help for those who can be and want to be helped.
11. never agree, out of pity or for any other reason, to help sociopath conceal his or her true charater.
"please don't tell" often spoken tearfully and with great gnashing of teeth, is the trademark plea of thieves, child abusers-and sociopaths.
If someone without conscience insists that you "owe" him or her, recall what yoau re bout to read here: "Yu owe me" has been the standard line of sociopaths for thousands of years, quite literally and is stil so.
Also ignore the "you are just like me" ; you are not.
12. Defend your psyche.
do not allow someone without conscience, or even a string of such people, to convince you that humanity is a failure. Most human beings DO possess conscience. Most human beings ARE able to love.
13. LIving well is the best revenge.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2006): The feelings that occur when you are sexually active with another does in fact create a bond and with that, the trust will grow as will the seeds of love.
The lack of remorse is troubling.
You could you not show some restraint and re-evaluate you commitments to another?
Love doesn't make you do things you wouldn't have done otherwise...you chose to do it. Make no excuses.
I have more respect for someone who doesn't make excuses and can own up to when they have done something wrong and you have.
You are a booty call. And I have to question why you would agree to such a thing in the first place?
You either end it with the "boyfriend" and confess to your hubby
OR
You inform your husband and leave him.
No where in this equations does it at all tell you that said bf will leave his wife and chose you. He told you that he wouldn't and that is why you are his booty call girl.
Please get some self respect and make a choice.
It isn't healthy or right to lust after another man while with your husband. Jealousy? Lady, you have no cause to feel this, that man was not yours...you didn't chose him...you chose your husband.
I feel for you husband.
Morals are not lost in the everyday hustle and bustle of life...you chose to lose them so don't feed me that line; still sounds like excuses to absolved you of any responsibility. Still doesn't make it right.
And I must say, that Sociopaths use that cock and bull story of NO One has every loved me...treated me like this... THE WARNING BELLS are going off on this one.
Sociopaths are wolf in sheeps clothing and will do what they want, when they want and have absolute no remorse whatsoever.
It is apparent you do not love your husband or want to be with him so regardless of what "keep" you in the home with some man you do not love...just own up and leave.
There is not point in still continuing having sexual relations with another taken man. NONE.
Give your husband the love and respect he deserves by leaving him. This is in keeping with this newfound outlook and perspective of life; that whole grown up bit you spewed out.
Most of this is built up in your head because if the BF was all that, he would be with you, commited to you. Doesn't sound grown up to me.
My say. You probably don't like it but hey, I am not here for popularity reasons.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI received alot of negetive feedback on my situation, and I completely understand that and I was prepared for it. Though I did leave some details from my question, to make it shortetr and to the point. I loved him from the moment I met him. But being married, I didn't pursue it. My best friend became attracted to this man, and my husband set them up, without my knowledge...and the pangs of jealousy shot through me. I know that I should feel some sort of guilt, but the guilt I feel, is for sleeping with my husband, not for sleeping with my lover. A few of you sent me reassuring messages of hope, and I am deeply thankful for you looking at things from the other side of the fence, and not just judging me on a moral standard. Morals in today's society are lost in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, our wants and desires have taken the place of our conscionses, I do truly love him, and as wromng as that may be, I can't change the way I feel, we can't help who we love, and I can't help that my heart aches for him every second of every day. As for the woman who is so closley in the same boat as I, you completely understand where I am coming from. No man has ever touched you or said the things he says to you before. He makes you feel like the only woman, he pleases you in every way. He knows what to say and when to say it. He makes you feel like the woman you want to be, like the woman you have never been before. He makes you want to grow up and change. Not be so jeuvenile and trivial, and just live life for every moment, and live it for the 2 of you. He make syou not worry about anything , for as long as the two of you are together, nothing could go wrong. (well we all know that things could go wrong,) but this man, he makes you feel safe, and wanted and appreciated, and you want to do nothing more but to make him even feel a quarter of what you feel for him. Give him if just half of the pleasure that he gives you. He makes you beleive in love again, when the world has gotton so dark, and so meanicing, that you thought it was never possible to feel true love again. And there is nothing you can say or do to take it where you want to take it, you don't want to scare him away, you don't want to lose the little bit of him that you get, even when the rumors start flying, and everyone is questioning you, your mind clouds over and all you think of is him.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (8 August 2006):
 Ha ha ha you certainly know how to push the aunts' buttons! Go pedal your wares some place else before Martini blows a synapse!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2006): HI, I totally understand what you are going through. I am going through the same thing and it hurts really bad because of the confusion. I am married and in love with my friends husband. A few months ago they were having problems she had an affair and he found out about it. (now to this day I don't know how he can forgive her but that's another story) I was the only one who knew and the only one he could talk to about it. In that time we got really close and over weeks we did get physical several times. Now I have fallen in love with him and don't know what to do. I think about him all the time. You can't help your feeling and it is very hard to change them. Mine feels guilty after too because of my friendship with his wife but like you I don't because I know I love him and want to be with him when ever I can. If I had to choose him or my friendship with his wife I would totally choose him. Like you when we are all together he is all ways hanging out by me. Sometimes he gets distant because of the guilt I let him go and he all ways calls. I know he has feelings for me too but it's just hard to act on them some times. I know a lot of people are going to tell you to stop and it's not right but I'm not. I know how you feel you didn't ask for that to happen BELEIVE me I didn't want this to happen to me either it just did nothing you can do. What I am doing is just taking it day by day. Taking it for what it is. I know he cares about me and I think yours does too because it's not just sex and he wouldn't feel guilty if he didn't care. Remember your married and that must scare him too some. I wish you luck and remember one day at a time and take it for what it is now I guess. Find the right time to tell him because if you do it may scare him for a while at least. And If it does don't pressure him, he will be back. And if you do tell him and he feels the same way are you prepaired to change your current situation? I know I would in a heart beat.
Take Care!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2006): First off I am not going to judge you like the other person. It's easy to take the moral high ground when you have never been in the situation yourself. You can't help your feelings and love makes you do things you would'nt normally do. I think you have no choice but to tell the guy of your feelings and see if he feels the same way about you. If he does then you have to tell the other people involved and go off and live your lives together and take the crap you will get. If hes just playing around then think long and hard about the type of person he is and can you really be happy with someone that can so easily deceive his girlfriend. If you did get together then would'nt you always be worried that he was doing the same to you? Please think long and hard about this. I wish you the best of luck and hope things work in your favour. X
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female
reader, uniquebeauty4life +, writes (25 July 2006):
 How can you even call her your "bestfriend" after what you have done? Do you have no conscience at all? How can you do such a thing to your husband and your so called best friends? It is not moral when you go out with your friend's ex but to actually sleep with him while he's still with her plus you're also married, this behaviour is disgusting. I do not care if you realise you love the guy, what about the people you are hurting right now because believe me, they must know something is up, when you come home late at night and you keep telling your husband that you're tired everytime.My advice is to just end everything with your boyfriend, husband and bestfriend and move to another continent.
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female
reader, snowbird +, writes (22 July 2006):
 I so agree with the others on this one - here's some sharp advice - hold hands with lover-boy and go jump to hell - how you have the brass nerve to ask for advice leaves me - and other decent folk - REELING!!!
I do try to be non-judgemental and see things from every perspective, but this just about beats the band!!
Try something new, why don't you, and put yourself in the position of the unsuspecting, trusting, innocents in this picture..no, you can't, can you? You are way too selfish to even think about them, are'nt you?
I might JUST about begin to sympathise if you were in love at the BEGINNING, as sometimes your heart takes you to places you should'nt - and don't really want - to go, but you went into this mess with your eyes WIDE open and without even considering your husband and your BEST friend. You, lady (and I use the word judiciously) deserve all that is coming to you, you made your bed(!!!) - now go and lie in it..And to add to Martini's comment - HOLY MOTHER OF BUDDHA - ON A BIKE WITH BELLS ON!!!
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reader, Lostandalone +, writes (21 July 2006):
 First of all Martini WELL DONE OLD CHAP!!! I agree 100% with Martini. For God's sake why would you do this and then to feel no guilt whatsoever!!! I can't even begin to feel sympathy for you and I know Martini can be harsh but in this case I am with him. You don't deserve the people who love you. Remember how you got him is how you will lose him and we all reap what we sow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2006): Sign up for the Jerry Springer show. I believe, that is the best way...
However, since I made a 'promise' to behave, I guess I should at least give some sort of advice... [sigh]
Obvious Negatives: 1) you're married, 2) you had sex with your best friend's boyfriend, 3) you betrayed your best friend, 4) you cheated on your husband, 5) you feel absolutely no guilt or have any common sense
Obvious positives: 1)
Right.
So aside from being 1) immoral, 2) immoral, 3) immoral, 4) immoral, and don't forget 5) immoral, you feel 1) no guilt, 2) you have fallen in love with someone but didn't take the action to break up with your husband and 3) backstabbed your bestfriend.
If you live in the continent of North America, I have to say that I am so sickened with this, that it makes me feel like I must move out of Canada and into Asia or somewhere else.
Fantastic job Ms. Anon. Fantastic indeed. Hey Aunts and Uncles, I behaved. No cursing, and belittling? Come on, she deserves it. Where's the firing squad?
What should YOU DO??!?!?!?!? ARE U SO [insert vulgar words here], that you DO NOT know the [insert more vulgar words here] OBVIOUS SOLUTION?!?!?!
HOLY MOTHER OF BUDDHA! Ahhh!
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