A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, i'm in a bit of a sticky situation hopefully you guys have some good advice for me.Okay so here the deal, i'm in love with this guy (not puppy love), but he is a close family friend. He is the son of my dad's best friend, but even though our parents are the same age we are not, he is 13 years older than me which makes me 18 and him 31. Now i've always found him good looking but i've never really had feeling for him until both our families went on a holiday about 4 month ago where we spent two weeks together in the same house. I'm not going to sum up everything that happened but there where definitely some occasions where it looked like feelings where mutual, but of course i can't be sure of this because he is of nature a very loving and flirty type, but like i said some occasions where very obvious.Just so i don't cause any confusion i'm not saying i want to marry him and have his kids right away, but if the opportunity were to present itself of perhaps a relationship i certainly wouldn't turn it down, but as you can imagine the age gap comes with a lot of disadvantages. These are the ones i worry about, at times i think it shouldn't matter since we didn't choose to be born at different times but other days i feel so foolish for even considering it. And i can already tell you now, that this business of "how about just telling him how you feel" it's not going to happen, that's just not the kind of person i am, not in a bad way but there is just too much at stake.we might be in different stages in our lives but we have very similar thought concerning the future as for family and kids and settling down as this has always been something i've wanted to do early like my mum also did at 25 (my parents are 15 years apart) .Now hopefully i didn't bore you guys too death because i would love to hear your opinions about it.thatnkyou for reading.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI definitely think something will have changed when im 25 and hes 37, at that age our lives won't be so different and chances of a potential relationship would be a lot higher due to less complications.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 April 2013):
 I understand that his age is not what’s attractive to you… I am NOT at all attracted to my husband’s age.
Your concern that he will ‘meet someone else in the meantime” makes no sense. What do you mean? Do you think when you are 25 and he is 37 that anything will have changed?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do want to date someone my own age or at least closer too but and it wasn't really his age that attracted me to him. And if i'm being completely honest i know it's not appropriate to date him now and chances of anything happening are close to zero but i'm just worried that he''l meet someone else in the meantime. It's so frustrating.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is though that ofcourse i WANT to tell him but i feel i can't, do you guys honestly think (from an outsiders perspective) that telling him would be appropriate?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionReply to So_Very_Confused, wow you've really put things into perspective. I know that i'm not a grown up yet even though i'm 18, and i also know that it's probably not "pure true adult love" but on the other i don't think i should ignore it just because of age.The way you were talking about just relying on the hints and quips does seem ridiculous when you put it like that, but i think one of the reasons that i don't want tell him is that somewhere i know how it is going to turn out and there is just so much more loss then gain, it's just hard to be honest with yourself sometimes.
And the similar thoughts on family and kids thing i know because we've had several conversations were it has come up.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 April 2013):
What opinions do you want? You are 18 to his 31 and have known him pretty much you’re whole life huh? And now, after a two week vacation you are in love with him. But it’s not puppy love, and it’s neither infatuation nor limerence right? It’s pure true adult love right? Tell me more about this love you have for him… why do you love him? And yes I want you to think about this and make a list for yourself (at minimum) and figure this out.
When my husband turned 18 I was 31 but I can assure you that at 31 I would not have found his 18 yr old persona attractive enough to want to date him. 18 may FEEL mature but it’s not really grown up yet.
Here’s a rub for you, if he’s known you for more than a year or two, he may see you very much as a kid. For example when you were 10 and still in need of a baby sitter he was 23 and old enough to date, marry and father children. And he may have you stuck in that mode “the kid of my parent’s best friends” and he may not see you as anything else. IF you have seen each other frequently over the years, he may be friendly and flirty but not truly interested in you as a long term romantic partner. And since you have what currently amounts to a mad crush on him, your interpretations of his actions, his words and even the way he looks at you are going to be skewed.
IF you are not going to talk to him about how you feel and rather depend on hints and quips and HOPE that you are getting your point across I fear you will be very frustrated. I can tell you as the OLDER partner I fought getting involved with my partner. HIS commitment to our relationship and to me was pivotal in our getting serious. I often think that an age gap relationship working out is more pressure on the younger partner to reassure the older partner that they are not “too old”.
You say you have similar thoughts on family and kids and settling down and you know this how?
Since you refuse to tell him how you feel, what would you like us to help you with?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): My friend is currently 18 and she has been in a relationshop with a family friend who is also 31 for the past 5 months. Their relationship is going well and her family are happy to see them together because they already knew the chap.
As your mom and dad have a big age gap I don't think that they could really be negative towards it.
So I would say if the chance comes along go for it. If it doesnt work at least you tried its better than wondering what if all you life :)
All the best!
Jem x
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