A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:*OP's own title* I consider myself to be a great catch. Cute, educated, fun, kind, caring, etc. I have not had luck finding a lasting relationship, and about two years ago, I went on a website where prisoners post ads for pen-pals. I wrote to a few men, mostly as a way to cure my loneliness and hopefully feel emotionally connected to someone. Well, one of these men turned out to be the man of my dreams, except for his one major flaw: He's serving 15 years to life in prison (1200 miles away) for a murder he committed when he was 18 years old. (He is now 34). I didn't start writing to him in the hopes of finding love; it just happened. After a year and a half of writing and talking on the phone, I went to visit him 3 months ago, and just went again last week. I love this man, and I want a future with him. I believe that we are perfect for each other. He is up for parole this year, but he admits that his chances of him getting out are slim, and that it could be months or even years until he is released. In my mind, he's the perfect candidate for parole: he comes from a good home, has a supportive family, he stays out of trouble, participates in rehabilitation programs, and even completed his college degree in prison through Boston University. The crime he committed was gang-related, and he was so young when it happened... I just can't imagine him remaining incarcerated for more than a few more years. He's currently in his 15th year of incarceration. Am I crazy for wanting to be with him? Is something wrong with me? I don't think I am putting my life on hold by waiting for him, but in reality, I am. My friends think I'm crazy, and my family knows nothing about any of this. What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): Pretend to ne another woman and write to him and see if he says he's single
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): He killed someone and must therefore suffer the consequences. Fifteen years is not enough time behind bars; I'm sorry.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (1 April 2010):
 It maybe your destiny. It is hard to run away from your destiny.
We should not have stereotype thinking of those people who did wrong when they were very young. He has paid his dues and we should not brand him for life.
Just because he killed somebody in the past ,does not mean that he will kill again. That is a wrong assumption.Everyone is a potential killer if we want to judge him.
There will be more obstacles in your relationship in the society because there are stereotype people and those who are bias and prejudiced about ex felons.
If you love him , you should be able to overcome those obstacles and ease his return to normal life in the society.
All the best to you .
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 April 2010):
Your bad experience with men before are leading you to choose men who are in no way suitable. You're putting yourself in a situation where you will either get physically hurt, or you'll end up being used for money. You're a great catch, so don't settle or something where you will end up hurt.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2010): If your love can reform him, then why mistrust him. He did not hurt YOU.
He killed someone else. And I would encourage him to make amends to the family of that person by any means possible.
I would try and discourage him from going near any of the gangs that caused the stupid situation.
Above all, make sure that if he is a monster inside, you are not its next victim.
No one is above redemption, but it takes a lot of work. A lot.
Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2010): Murder may be his initial cause for being in prison, and indeed he may have been a reckless and ill-informed teenager when he lost self-control and in a fit of passion did the deed that took someone's precious life but he has had fifteen years of the prison lifestyle were the inmates learn about crime and such things. Just as you are molded by your free environment were you live his psyche has been shaped by the confines, rules and regulations, bad vocabulary, anger, drugs and other minutae that affect inmates. You will be living with what he had had to deal with for the rest of your relationship.
Perhaps, your would-be partner has arisen from such bad influences and has truly reformed, but to know for sure you must do a great deal of research now about him, his life, influences and how he is now psychologically and emotionally. You need to get an investigator to check him out in detail, his family, friends, offspring to be able to really know what you are going to have to deal with and what the real truth is about him. Your investigator needs to corroborate everything he has told you up to now so that you know that he can be trusted.
I believe your loneliness has clouded your judgment in this instance and that you really need an impartial person to verify what your prison friend is telling you. The stories of prisoners taking advantage of rescuers are too many to count.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (1 April 2010):
You're NUTS... get away from prisoners. They are artists at learning how to use women. If you want to have proof, log in as a different person and see if he'll take fresh bait when he thinks you're another foolish woman. I bet he hits the opportunity and you get to hear much of the same story a second time.
Get on line and search for horror stories of women who made the same mistake you are... learn from them, before others learn from you.
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A
female
reader, WiseAngela23 +, writes (1 April 2010):
I am not a mean person and Im not trying to be but you are crazy!! I understand that you love this man but if he murdered someone it could be sociologically nerve racking and something may tempt him to rape, injur, or possibly kill you. I am not saying he will but from all murder stories I've known it's something hard to break.
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