A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm really confused about what to do and I need some advice. Thanks in advance. I'm 36 and engaged to my fiance. We have an exceptionally loving, caring, and loyal relationship. There's no issue there or question about that. Well about a year ago, I had a freak incident regarding my health. I had a stroke. I spent a week in the hospital and had what most would consider a full recovery. I physically remain unchanged on outside appearances. I regained my full ability to walk, talk, and do everything I used to do before. If you just met me, you would have no idea I'd had a stroke. However, I don't feel as though I've made a full recovery mentally. I struggle with depression that I'd never had before. And mental fatigue. It takes everything out of me just to get up and go to work most days. Let alone anything else. That being said, I am currently a full-time bartender at a busy beach resort. I temporarily paused my career as a lawyer after my health issue occurred because I was worried I wouldn't be able to take care of my cases adequately enough. My current job involves being on my feet 12 to 14 hours a day, constantly running around in the heat and talking to a thousand people a day. I find that by the time I get home, I am so emotionally and mentally tapped out that all I want to do is unwind and try to regroup mentally before I have to wake up and do it all over again. I don't hate my job. I actually love it. But when you are depressed, it takes everything out of you to have to force yourself to be that social. I find that by the time I get home, I have no energy for sex and it seems like an impossible hill to climb. It's not because I don't love her or find her attractive and want to share that bond with her. It's because I'm so emotionally worn out that I have nothing left to give. She's gotten to the point where she's incredibly frustrated and I understand her frustration. I know she feels rejected and unwanted. I've constantly tried to reassure her that this is just something I'm going through and a part of my healing process from the stroke but I know it doesn't make her feel any better in the moment. I guess I just don't know what a solution is. I don't know how to make my depression go away and to make my job make me feel less overwhelmed. I constantly feel pressure to have sex even when I just don't have the emotional energy and it makes me feel frustrated and resentful also. Are there any ways that we can both feel satisfied?
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female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (23 February 2020):
 You have done so well to recover from your stroke and you made a career change to reduce the pressure on yourself, while you heal. To me, it sounds like you are still recovering and need to take it easy a bit more. While bar work may be less pressure in some respects, than law work, the long hours and physical aspects must be taking a toll on you physically and emotionally. Is there any way that you can either reduce your hours, or find a job less demanding. Even if it us just for a year, while you give yourself time to fully recover. Your health mental and physical is more important than money.
Your relationships are also important for your recovery, and more important than money. It is no wonder that you have no libido when your body is recovering from a stroke, while you work 14 hour days. If you found a less phyically taxing job, and worked less hours, you may find that your libido returns gradually.
I also agree with Honeypie, that talking to this with your doctor might help.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2020): Sounds to me like the easiest thing to change is your job.
Honeypie has a good point that talking to your doctor is a good idea too, but if they can't find anything physical, maybe you should get a less taxing job?
You could always go back to bartending in the future, no?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2020): Do you face difficulty to achieve full erection when your body is fully rested? Did suffer from erectile dysfunction ED before the stroke incident? The blood vessels supplying blood to the penis are the most prone to blockage therefore any cardiovascular issues in a person are most manifested in this part of the body and lead to ED. I strongly advise you to see a specialist. Also if you are taking any medication post the stroke then that can be a cause too for feeling conteniously tired. TBH it is good that you have a strenious job that entail a lot of moving because that is the best way to keep a healthy heart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2020): A friend of mine had a stroke and she has recovered very well, but it's left her absolutely totally knackered. She cant do very much at all and she has to sleep every afternoon. Making the body tired is its way of getting you to lie down and switch off because the body needs all its energy to keep healing you. My friend's stroke was about two years ago and she's very tired. It's what happens after something like this. That's what's up.
Sadly for your girlfriend it's one of those 'in sickness and in health' situations where you've been very poorly and she needs to understand that you just can't be like you were. Not yet anyway. It's only been a year. Your girlfriend needs to realise that your health has to come first. And that you won't be this way forever. This is where true love has to come to the fore. What if you'd broken your back? And your physical injuries were very apparent? Would she be so impatient then?
Is there any way you can cut your working hours? Your job sounds stressful, although enjoyable. But just because you enjoy it, it doesn't mean that it's not doing you harm. If you're running around like you say, it's sounds as if it's taking too much out of you at the moment.
Not only your girlfriend, but YOU have to consider what's happened to you and perhaps change your expectations about what you can do. At least for the time being. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 February 2020):
 1. go see your doctor.
Tell him how you feel, physically and emotionally. Maybe your hormones are a bit wacky at the moment and you need to adjust them. It might be you need a slight anti-depressant to move you forward.
Tell your partner what your doctor tells you. fill her in the loop here. She might not understand what you underwent but if she knows YOU are working on it and maybe knows more of what really is going on, she can better support you.
You understand HER frustration, but have no energy to make her sexually satisfied, which is a little unfair, don't you think? Not saying you should do it no matter how YOU feel, but it might feel a bit more like a dispassionate relationship more like friends than two people COMMITTED to eventually MARRY.
Pressuring you, is not good though. I think THAT is unfair too.
So I'd start with a doctor visit, see what's up and go from there.
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