A
female
age
36-40,
*exie_kingsley
writes:Dear Cupid,I have one little problem - I want to get rid of my in-laws. Not in the physical meaning, of course, but I'm just so sick and tired of their constant every day visits! Especially my mom-in-law - god, she comes literally every day! She is the nicest woman, thank you very much, but WHY? Why can't she come sometimes, and let me know in advance that she's gonna come? No, she opens the door with her own key, comes in and makes herself at home. It used to be my husband and his brother's flat, but when we got married (last year) I moved in. But nobody seems to care about it, and I'm afraid to open my mouth in front of the in-laws, cuz they're the sweetest people and I don't want them to think I don't like them. But I just want them to change a little - to come not so often and to let me know about it, so that I weren't walking around the flat naked. I just want to feel at home, but because of this - I can't. I don't know what to do... How to let them know I don't like their frequent visits without offending?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): I understand perfectly that it's their house and everybody in their family doesn't care, but I just want them to start thinking about me as well. Yes, we're talking about a new apartment for only 2 of us, I believe the in-laws won't go there so often, but still to buy a flat isn't easy. I just don't like the fact that instead of going home after work I prefer to stay in the office longer and go home only when I know there're no 'guests'. It's not normal. But my husband either doesn't hear me or doesn't know how we could tell his parents about it.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 April 2011):
 Did they usually come around that often before you moved in? If so you should have been prepared for this to continue. The woman has her own key, that should tell you enough. Why would she call in advance if neither your husband or his brother ever cared, they even gave her a key so she COULD lock herself in. Why did you think this would change after you moved in?
You move in to THEIR place in effect. This isn't your place, your home. It's their, and the old rules still stand. In order to change this you need to sit yourself down with the former "owners" of the shack and talk about new rules for a new household.
Either talk to the brothers and get them to agree with you on making new rules as the living situation is now changed, or move with your husband to your very own place.
The in laws don't see a difference you know. They used to come around, and now there's just one more person in the house, but why should that change their routine?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): You sound like a sweetheart and your desire not to hurt anyone but to set some boundaries is really laudable. Constant visiting like this is a real pain - even though it comes from a well-intentioned place, it is actually very rude and disrespectful to your time! Sometimes it can be very hard for parents to let go (especially mothers with sons). It's important that your mother in law doesn't feel that you're trying to take her boy away from her. You need to speak to your partner about this and figure out a strategy.Try a softly-softly approach at first. Next time they drop around, pretend like you have some place to be or something to do. Say something like 'It's such a shame, if only you'd texted me to let me know you were coming over, I could have rearranged'. Hopefully the message that you expect a text and an informal arrangement to be made will be taken on board! However, if that doesn't work, you will have to confront this head on. Sit your in laws down and explain that you would like their permission to raise a subject that you find difficult. When they grant it, tell them that you've really grown fond of them and that it's an embarrassing subject because you desperately don't want to hurt their feelings. Then explain that it would really help you out if they could just give you a ring or a text when they were thinking of dropping over because sometimes you're taking a nap/you have places you need to be/you're just really tired and don't feel like seeing anyone. Annalisa's advice about the nudity bit is really good - if you're open about this, they will knock!
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A
female
reader, Red HaT Ninja  +, writes (7 April 2011):
 Hi, I know how you feel, i had problems with my mother in law,and i did'nt say anything until it was all building up and then bang what an explosion,thankfully we have sorted it all out.So please do not just sit back and say nothing.Speak to her on your own explain that you don't feel comfortable or at home in your own house as other family members keep turning up unannounced and you don't know how to handle it,as you do not want to offend anyone,but your not happy,and your asking her advice on how to tackle it.Hopefully she will help and in doing so will realise she also does it and will back off.It is all about tact,make her think you need her advice,your not being mean, sneaky or unkind,you are just looking out for her feelings as well. good luck
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