A
male
age
36-40,
*eeker360
writes:Hi guys. Glad to be sharing my first post here with you - hopefully you can offer some perspective on what has been an incredibly difficult week... Apologies for how long this is likely to be - I want to make sure that I get as much detail in as possible to give you some context.So, I met a girl online just over 4 months ago and our first date was just perfect - you know when you're sitting cuddled up together and it feels like you've known each other forever? Where there's no awkwardness or trying to put on a front or anything, because you just click? Well, it was that.We entered into a relationship immediately after and, over the next 4 months, spent practically every weekend together with me getting the bus and train to her house. As time went on, I started staying throughout the week and was staying at times for almost 4-5 days at a time. We were so perfectly harmonious - truly best friends, and not once did we argue or get fed up of each others' company or anything. She gradually seemed to get a bit less affectionate, though she only really seemed affectionate with me, so I didn't make too much of it. And she stated that it was just because she had become comfortable in the relationship and comfortable with me.She invited me to friends' weddings, work nights out, family birthdays...I met loads of her friends and family and really felt like I had been accepted into her world. It was an amazing feeling.Our relationship had been a whirlwind from the start - some might say we had "rushed things" or "gone too fast", but neither of us were forcing it, we just went along with the natural pace of everything and it was going so well. We decided that, as I was spending most of some weeks staying with her, I should move in, and so I got the keys cut and started preparing for the move which we decided would be the 28th December. A week before Christmas, she talked to me about setting up joint accounts for the bills, plans for the future and potential names for our future children (we had discussed kids quite a bit, though agreed that we wouldn't start trying for any for another 1-2 years)...She spent Xmas with her family and I spent it with mine. The last time I was with her at her house, everything was fine. She was affectionate, told me how she couldn't wait for me to move in and how excited she was, and that being apart for 7 days would be tough but we could make it, we had been apart for longer in the past...Xmas Eve and Xmas Day I get messages from her on whatsapp about how she'd found out her grandad's middle name and "that could be our boy's name"... "just think, in 365 days we will be able to wake up together on Xmas Eve"... all manner of sweet messages about how much she loved me. Everything was normal - better than normal maybe. Less than 24 days later, on the 26th, I got a message while I was packing boxes for the move on the 28th. I can remember it word for word: "Hey, I think we need to meet up and talk. I'm having doubts about us and about us moving in together. I think if you were to move in and then I was to tell you about my doubts, it wouldn't be fair. I'm really sorry. We could meet tomorrow to talk about this if you like xx"Hit me like a bolt out of the blue. There was no warning, no red flags, everything had been perfect between us. Naturally I wanted to know what was going on, to which she replied:"I don't know! I've just been thinking and I do love you, I just don't know if it's enough. I feel really bad about it."So I phoned her and she explained that she had been looking at her parents on Xmas Eve and she felt that they had something she didn't (I couldn't get her to see that she was comparing us to a couple who had been together for over 30 years and gone through their share of challenges)... She basically gave no explanation beyond "I love you, but I don't think it's enough to continue the relationship"... She also said that she had never felt about anyone the way she felt about me, and that the last 4 months had been the best of her life....which begs the question, if it was all so good, why pull the trigger on it?The next day, I was totally confused, having been given no real explanation from her. The whole 'I sat down on xmas eve, realised how I felt and still sent those messages on xmas eve and xmas day about our kids and the future etc, before breaking up with you a day later' didn't make sense or sit with me at all! I asked her what had changed...how, in the space of 2 days, she had gone from being excited at our future together and even talking about our children's names, to this... Her response was colder than I'd ever known her to be:"Like I said, I am sorry, but we are over."She then said we needed to meet so I could give her the keys I'd got cut less than a week before and she could give me my stuff. She was stone-faced through the whole exchange and offered no further information or explanation of what had happened. At the end, as she walked away, I got a little choked up and she gave me a look I will never forget - to me it looked like disgust and surprise. As she walked very slowly away with a "Ok, well...see you around", she kept her eyes on me like I was about to explode, before eventually just walking away.Since then, I've heard nothing from her. I did wonder if she would maybe message me on New Years Day for some reason (we had plans to go to her sister's house) but naturally, it didn't happen.In one day, she went from me being the centre of her universe (her words) to cutting me out of it entirely like I didn't exist and neither did her feelings for me...I had genuinely done nothing in the relationship but make her feel special and loved and appreciated. I couldn't have done or offered any more, and for the longest time, she reciprocated that and we were so happy. There were no red flags or major changes to the relationship; sexually, we were a great match as well. I guess my question (and believe me I have a lot) is how can someone do that - fall out of love and become so cold to someone in such a short period of time? How can they just cut you out of a life you were building together with no clear reason or catalyst?Hopefully that all makes sense. Thank you for reading through it all - I just wanted you to have the most context for any advice or input you could give. Thanks again :)
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best friend, christmas, move on, period, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 January 2017):
 I feel for you, such a terrible thing to happen. I get how you are feeling, it leaves you in almost a state of shock. She is not a nice person. If she was she would have explained face to face. She took the cowards way out. My guess is that her family or her friends have told her it was to soon, put doubt in her mind. She may have decided she doesn't love you as much as she should. Maybe family and friends scared her warning her how fast things where moving. Either way you need to remember it is her loss not yours. Yes it is difficult and yes it will take time to get over her but you will and you will move on to find miss right.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2017): Hey there, I just want to say, I think you are handling this really difficult situation in a really great way (talking it out here).
Yeah, it seems she was just infatuated and then panicked (maybe scared herself with all that kid talk). Maybe she realized there wasn't enough [passion, stability, ....whatever] for what she wanted long term as she was talking it out. But it does seem like she played with your feelings.
Seems like she is quite a cold person. I would definitely think someone else might have caught her eye. Maybe she never closed her online dating profile?
Who knows, it's anyone's guess why she is such a light-switch.
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A
male
reader, Seeker360 +, writes (4 January 2017):
Seeker360 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply so far - I really do appreciate it :)I did initially think that it was all a matter of her getting cold feet, or that she had happily gone along with the natural pace of things and once this big moment was actually about to happen, she ground to a halt.She has lived in her own place for 2 years and has always been clear how much she's become used to living on her own and how big an adjustment living together would be, but she always made out that it was an adjustment she was keen and willing to make.When I spoke to her on the phone that day, I reassured her that if it was that she had panicked (it sounded like a definite possibility), then we could cancel the move for the time being, even try and slow things down if she felt they were moving too fast. But she was adamant all the same that she loved me, "just not enough to continue a relationship."I can't be sure of anything right now, but I don't think there was an ex or a new interest involved. I got the impression she didn't have a very storied relationship history and neither her nor anyone else around her even so much as hinted at any of her past relationships being a concern - they didn't talk about them at all, in fact, though I suppose this isn't particularly odd.It's just bizarre that, taken at face value, someone can go from apparently being besotted by you to being able to so ruthlessly and emotionlessly cut you out of their life without a second glance. It casts all of the happy and wonderful memories we have into doubt now - I can't be sure that she actually cared for me like she said she did at any point in time. I expressed as much to her in person, and she didn't have a response. Equally, when I asked her if she's sent the messages just a day before (about "our boy" having her grandad's middle name, waking up together next year on xmas eve and how much she loved me and couldn't wait for us to be living together) because she felt it was what she should have said, she maintained that she sent them because it was what she thought she felt at the time. When I reminded her that those messages had been sent less than 24 hours after she'd ended the relationship the way she had, she again had no response.I honestly don't know what to make of the situation except for confusion, frustration and disappointment for being so wrong about the person I was potentially about to spend my future with. I agree that it's better to know now than to have moved in, built new commitments as a couple and then been even more blindsided - or worse still, had her lie about her feelings for who knows how much longer...Still, that someone who seemed so level-headed and mature can have such a "light switch personality" (love that term by the way!) really does confuse me more than anything else...
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (4 January 2017):
 Pretty heartless little lady. Sounds like people may have been getting in her ear OR an old flame has resurfaced perhaps? Could be she is just a game player who enjoyed living the dream until it was becoming a reality. What about your past, do you have a vengeful ex who may have been in contact with her? Whatever her reason, she has responded cruelly. I would expect her coldness towards you is to build a wall to protect herself from being responsible for giving any logical explanation. My advice, don't punish yourself by trying to go over where or what you felt you may have done wrong along they way. You sound like a decent guy so try not do that to yourself. Keep your dignity by doing your darnedest to not be in contact trying to seek answers. Worry about and stay focused on who you are and not worry about her motives. It doesn't change anything and thats answer enough IMHO. If you are going to think about anything, instead remind yourself the positives of dodging a bullet by not moving in with someone with a light switch personality. Next time, try not get too caught up in things, let things unfold at a steady pace and try not to let this leave a bitter taste in your mouth for your next relationship because not all girls will be this one. Good luck with things :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2017): This is pure speculation, so please keep that in mind. It seems as though the only difference between when she left and when she came back was time spent with her family. I'm wondering if her family shared reservations with her, that after days spent with them, she came to believe and accept. I'm not sure what you could at this point, if this were the case. It's clear she has made a decision. Sometimes when then man moves in with the woman, it comes across as weak and financially unstable. I bring this up because these are things in which the family would definitely take issue with. You never said what your position was, so forgive me. I'm just trying to think of reasons you may not have considered.
So sorry for the circumstances.
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (3 January 2017):
I read this and was so shocked at how a person can be so convincing and deceitful; because certIanly she was hoodwinking you her " you are the love of her life " ..." I love you but can't be with you " makes no sense and when that didn't work .it wasn't enough to satisfy you like a puppy . She turned .
I do agree with the other uncle this has been a ploy for some other reasons and your emotions have been well and truly played and used .
I think she should feel disgusted at herself ..something wicked this way did come .
You are going to feel a mixture of emotions .. much like grieve really .. my advice is you've had a lucky escape ..I want to tell you what she felt was real but I'm sorry I can't as I don't think any of it was . Not for her ..
My advice let yours be angry sad hurt .. cry if you want to even men do .. doesn't make you any less a guy in my eyes .
Spend time with friends and family and keep yourself busy ..delete and block her from ever being able to contact you in any shape way or form
How ending with the disgusted look is enough in my book ..says it all .
Take care and come back and let's know how you are ..
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A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (3 January 2017):
 Where is her Ex? Who is he? You could have been a ploy for her to get he Ex back, and once she did you no longer mattered. Which means you never mattered to her from the get go. I agree with you, this is a hard one to take, after being led on line that. Hopefully your life hasn't been disrupted by her delusioned behavior.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2017): I would say its due to pressure from her family but just incase you got all loved up and went ahead and gave her your bank details make an emergency call to the bank changing all cards and pin numbers she had access to.
Also cancel that joint account and any other financial obligations you promised her, that way you will sleep easier at night!
Worry about emotional issues later after you protect yourself financially.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2017): I'm sorry for what you're going through
Nothing suggests any red flags and the only thing I can think of is that she got cold feet when reality arrived. It may be a fear of commitment. She wants what her folks have and is scared of making a mistake.
You must be completely heartbroken and I'm so sorry for the time of year and when you had begun packing for your future and now its all lost.
Go no contact and allow yourself time to grieve and heal from this very sad situation.
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