A
female
age
51-59,
*ovelygal
writes:Ok so let me start from the beginning. I am a good person who until recently has never cheated on another man in my life. I am very unhappily in a verbally and somewhat physically abusive marriage of nearly 10 years. We have an 8 year old together. I have been miserable for a very long time. About 3 months ago I found my first love on face book and just said hi. He immediately answered me and we started chatting. The face book messages soon turned to text messages and then the text messages turned into long phone calls and then the phone call turned into him getting on a bus for 13 hours to come to see me. We had an instant reconnection. He grabbed a hold of me and kissed me as soon as he got off the bus. It was as though the last 20 years never happened. He was always the one who got away. We had a very passionate night in a hotel and said goodbye. I love him so much and will do anything for him. He has backed off lately and I am not sure what to do. My gay best friend (a man)messaged him via facebook and told him how stupid he would be to let me go and that he was so lucky to have me and that he would give his right arm for me and that he has what he has wanted for a long time. Then my lover had some legal problems which I helped him out financially for about $350. Then my gay friend messaged a friend of my lovers and basically said he was a loser who screwed me over and was just using me for my money. I know I went to my friend when I shouldn't have and involved him in my relationship which I had no business doing. Now it seems like the only time my lover calls me is to complain about my friend. They are both big black men and I am white so they do have similarites and they are both very jealous of each other. I no longer trust my gay friend for trying to destroy my relationship with the other man. I am working on leaving my husband and moving in with a friend until I can get on my own feet. We have not even slept in the same bed in over 2 months. I a completely and totally in love with my ex. Any advice on how to repair this relationship would be greatly appreciated. My gay best friend always reminded me of my ex which I am very ashamed to admit. He was not always gay. He has 3 children. I no longer lean on him like I did. How do I get my ex back. He feels bad and blames himself for the end of my marriage when I have been miserable for years. I have never been a fan of drama and this is all way too much for me to handle.
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female
reader, lovelygal +, writes (31 March 2011):
lovelygal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have decided just to let things be. If you love someone let them go...if they come back to you they are yours forever and if they don't they were never yours to begin with. I love this man with all my heart but a long distance relationship is so much harder that what I thought it would be. We both need time to get our lives situated. I made a huge mistake in letting this happen before we both figured that out. It all happened too fast and what looks too good to be true more than likely is. Thank you for your advice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): My first piece of advice is to at least WAIT until finalizing leaving your husband before saying I love you OR having any kind of sex with this other man. You are still married and even though the love is gone, it would be in poor taste and unethical to get into bed or tell another person you love them while you are still under the same roof living with your spouse.My advice is to not go on dates or have sex or say I love you to someone else until you are no longer living with your spouse and you are working on a divorce. IT might sound difficult when you have strong feelings for this other guy, but this is my advice and it's the way I would handle it. Besides, you don't want to jump into something serious like sex and love when you don't know just what your old love really wants. He may not want a relationship and you might just end up getting hurt yourself. HE most likely has moved on and had exes in his closet, too. You don't know if any of them are deel loves of his. Maybe some day one of those ones who got away might resurface. Where does that leave YOU?Just saying - think ahead and be respectful.If you don't respect your husband anymore, at least respect what marriage is, and respect yourself when you look in the mirror. I guess some marriages cannot be resolved and if so, then it's a good idea to move on if you have both REALLY tried your best and there is no more love between you. I am sorry if that is what happened with you.I don't know why there is verbal or emotional abuse going on, but perhaps there might have even been something behind it like a mental condition such as bipolar or something. Believe it or not, THOSE things can cause BIG troubles in any relationship where a person will become verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, argumentative, accusatory, and a host of other damaging and seriuosly annoying kinds of behavior destined to prevent harmony in a marriage.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (25 March 2011):
 You are already doing it by leaving your husband first before trying to contact this man again and getting your own life back. Not sharing your love life with your other friend is also a good idea. After that it is up to your lover. You have taken all the steps you can to free yourself up to be with him. The next move is up to him.
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A
male
reader, Tecno258  +, writes (24 March 2011):
 "He has backed off lately and I am not sure what to do". You should make sure he is still interested in you ask him does he still like you."He feels bad and blames himself for the end of my marriage when I have been miserable for years". Maybe is is part of the reason he backed of? Explain clearly to him that it is not his fault and that you wanted to get out of that marriage for a long time.
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