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male
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writes: Hi.. I am a 27 years guy from India. I am an Engineer working with a US based MNC. I got married 5 months ago and mine was an arranged married.I am not convinced by the way my wife looks and does not carry her like the way I anticipated. This is bringing in a lot of demotivation in me. Many my friends have said that I look better then her and so on..On the other side she is a very nice person and has a lot of love and respect for me and my parents which I appreciate..I try my hardest to not let this frustation bother me, but it comes on my face.Please suggest as I am totally pissed off and not able to focus on my work and have lost the passion of living life after marriage..Also consulted a psychiatrist but didn't help and not finding answers to why didn't I took the right decision.Please help me .. maybe a word of suggestion might change life for me...Awaiting your reply/answers/suggestion.. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2005): So you are disenchanted with your new bride because "you are not convinced by the way she looks and the way she carries herself"?? It's obvious from these words..you do not have strong feelings for her-the feelings it takes to keep a marriage together. Arranged marriages can work but in your case, your marriage sounds like it may be in trouble. What are your options? If you cannot divorce her...then you must learn to appreciate, love and care for her and that will take a radical "change of thinking" on your part.
Usually arranged marriages will work, simply because the primary emphasis is not on love, sex, and physical beauty but because the spouses get to know one another on a practical level first, looking beyond trivial issues such as beauty or lack thereof. However this does not seem to be the case for you.
You need to remember, your new bride is likely a "stranger" to you and you are to her. You both need to build a relationship based on friendship and respect and then go from there. You have not been afforded the time to "know her" based on her character and personality. This process will take time. Sit and talk to her..communicate..find out her thoughts, feelings, opinions on "everything". You are judging her based on a few shallow, insincere, cruel comments made by your so-called friends. Friends support and encourage..they do not do what your friends are doing. You are an intelligent man...be proud of her but try hard to get to know her. Let her know she can relax and just be herself...who knows-she may really surprise you.
If all else fails and you can't get by the "looks" thing..then you better think of a way to let her go and perhaps find someone who will really appreciate her. I wish you luck.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (12 July 2005):
 This is a big problem with arranged marriages as I'm sure you know; you don't have the ability to exactly select what you really want. However, choosing and being with a woman isn't like buying a bunch of flowers! You don't or at least shouldn't select a lady on the basis of her appearance.
The way your wife looks seems to be a problem with you and your friends aren't helping matters with the comments that they are making.
You could be married to a beautiful woman but who doesn't show you love and respect like your wife does. It all depends on what is important to you.
However, when there isn't any physical attraction, it can put a huge strain on the marriage. You cannot alter the way your wife looks (unless of course she was very overweight, then perhaps she could do something about that if she wished to).
You have two choices available to you and neither of them are ideal.
1. You could try to develop your marriage on the basis of what you have. You say your wife is loving and respectful. You could attempt to give some of this back to her as she does deserve this. You could spend more time together and find common interests. You may not be giving your marriage a chance to develop and you need to put a bit more effort into it in which to reap the rewards.
2. If you feel you can't do this because you don't feel enough for your wife, then you will have to consider a separation, otherwise you will always be unhappy. I understand how this could have serious repercussions but you need to weigh up the pros and cons. If you genuinely feel that the thought of spending the rest of your life with this woman feels you with dread, then you may not have much choice.
You need to seriously think about these choices.
Perhaps spending some time with your wife and putting effort into your relationship may be your first step and seeing how you feel then.
Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2005): Dear Friend,I completely understand this emotion as I am from a similar background. However, I met partner at University and know exactly what he looks like. The only advice I can give you is to TALK TO HER!You should be thankful that she is a nice person because you can not change her personality, but if its only about looks, why not take her shopping and buy her things that you would like to see her wear. Tell her how you like her hair, take her out for a meal and ask to dress up (and dress up yourself too), if she doesnt make an effort then sit down before you go out and say "it would mean a lot to me if you would dress up a bit as we are going to a fancy restaurant" or something... but seriously do not worry because these things can be changed whereas personality can not. Take care.
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