A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m in a huge dilemma. I am in a relationship with a man I’m not supposed to. I want to end this.First off, let me say that throughout my whole life, I have been very insecure and I lacked a huge amount of confidence. I was very vulnerable to any male influence, so when this guy came into my life and begun to inspire me in every way possible, I couldn’t stop seeing him. He was nice to me like no one ever was. My mother neglected me and told me several times she hated me, so I turned to him . My father is in Thailand and fathered another child. (He was also very abusive.) So this guy helped me realize my potential to be someone greater and led me from the destructive path towards working at a shit job to finally working on a college education towards my dream job. It was because of him that I turned away from trying to become a “pretty” girl and begun to work towards what I wanted to do. He helped me a lot. We are also in a sexual relationship. You can also guess that he was also a lot older than me… he’s 41 and I’m 20. He is not married, but I do live on the same property with him. I rent out a garage in the backyard. But what makes this relationship so bad is that he has a kid with my his girlfriend and we all live on the same property. She has no idea about our relationship. She just thinks that we get along really well. And I also know that I will never get involved with him like a gf/bf kind of relationship with this man, because I don’t feel that way towards him. I don’t love him like a girlfriend loves her boyfriend—I have never kissed him for I refuse to do so (ref. Pretty Woman). And all he did was teach me, guide me, and then he’ll tell me he needs to relieve some stress and we have sex. I felt really guilty when this first started, but he calmed me down and said it was okay. He told me no one will ever found out. And no one has for 2 years already. But even after all that time I still feel terrible! And ever since, I have been discussing that he and I need to stop doing this, but he refuses to end it. He reminds me that without this property, I will be in terrible financial debt and that what we are doing is for the best. I am in my 2nd year of college right now (started a bit late) and I can’t take a job right now or rent out a place near my college. So to move out will be very devastating to my finance. I constantly refuse to do any sexual activities with him, but he persuades me and then he gets it. I really need advice on how to end this. Or I can neglect the debt and move out... just disappear from his life without a trace...
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female
reader, Happy_Heart5  +, writes (2 January 2012):
Oh dear sweetie.
You are in a bad situation here. You aren't at all happy with this guy. It's now time for you to put your happiness first. You've spent your time giving him happiness by giving him his satisfaction. Get yourself out of this, you deserve your happiness that you've been deprived of.
I was in a similar scenario to you, I was with an older man & he just wanted me for one thing. In order for me to breakaway from him I just had to cut contact. He didn't make any effort to get back in touch with me, which showed me that he didn't care about me.
I understand why you turned to him. It was a confidence boost for you. But what you have to understand is that there are other ways of getting confidence for yourself. College for example will give you a sense of achievement & success which will give you a good confidence boost :)
He may have seemed 'caring' at first, but all he cared about was getting sex from you. As horrible as this may seem, he doesn't care about YOU. He's selfish & has no respect for you or your feelings. He messed with them from the start by coming across as a 'nice' person. Is abusing your wishes nice? Nope. You've seen his true colours!
Don't be persuaded by him...
You've got to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything.
You are finally starting to make a stand, as you're not giving into him.
Just walk away. Don't let him know where you're moving to. Cut off contact with him.
You want trust, someone respectful, caring, loving, & undemanding. You're not going to get any of this from that guy.
When you get yourself out of the situation, you will learn to believe in yourself. You will be dignified. You will be stronger. You can achieve all of your dreams & in time someone will come along who will LOVE & RESPECT you.
There will be light at the end of the tunnel.
All the best & good luck
Be strong x
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 January 2012):
 I "see" one brief paragraph with a REAL question within it...... then two protracted paragraphs with lots of words within them.... and with the obvious intent of validation of continuing in the ill-fated situation where you now find yourself....
Get back to the first paragraph and say to yourself: "The way to end this "relationship" is to walk away and never look back."
IF/when you CAN and DO do that, then your "problem" will be solved....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 January 2012):
 So he is using you sexually against your will, he holds you basically hostage in his house... It might have started out nice and he helped you out, but now it's more like you walked out of the ashes and into the fire. He doesn't care for you, if he genuinely cared he wouldn't be using you for sex. If he genuinely wanted what was best for you he'd help you get out of where you live now as you don't want to stay there. Take what he taught you at first, to follow your dreams and work with what you've got. Take back your self respect, the one he gave you but has now been slowly taking away from you by basically treating you as his house pet. If you will be in debt if you move, YOU know that best. You know your own financial situation best. And I don't see how you'll be worse off if you move, whatever debt you have you'll still have, it wont go up or down regardless of where you live. You might have to pay a higher rent at a new place, but look at it this way.. you only get to stay for cheap where you currently are because you are paying with favours of the natural kind. You are paying your rent in sex. Rather you pay a bit more MONEY to a decent landlord who isn't taking sexual advantage of you.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (2 January 2012):
 Listen to what you have written, he is basically forcing you to have sex with him against your will!!! You need to end this, i appreciate the difficulty you are in because you would struggle to move out. Is there not someone at your college who you could live with? A friend?
This guy is having his cake and eating it, it's not fair on you or his girlfriend. I suggest you tell him that it's either going to end between you two, or you'll tell his gf what's been going on (effectively ending it between him and her) - His call.
See if any of the neighbours have a room/garage to rent out for similar price, or look around for other places in your price range.
Good luck, be strong, don't be his sex toy for another moment...
:)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): What he is doing is abusive in itself. He helped you and is now demanding that you sleep with him because he helped you. he isn't a nice man at all, he is using you and is abusive in what he is doing. I suggest that you go to your university and see if they have a counselor that you can speak to so you can get out of this situation. They may be able to help you find somewhere to stay and help you get out of this situation. Wjatever you do, you must get out of this situation as soon as possible. Good Luck.
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