A
female
age
36-40,
*alditah01
writes:Hi everyone. I'm a confused, single woman, no kids, and living independently. But i am in a relationship with a married man for more than a year now. it's not like what most people think of when they hear of this type of relationship. we are not just for sex and i am not up for his money (i have mine). He is 4 yrs married with 2 kids. I met him at work, we became really good friends, no hidden motives whatsoever. Then after almost 2 yrs of being really close friends, we just found ourselves falling in love. At first, i thought it'll just pass (like the usual sex-based relationships we know with married men), but i was wrong. We became we, when his wife was pregnant with his 2nd child. His wife was then living in a different city far from where we were working. He only comes to see her twice every month during paydays. Believe it or not, we really love each other. he's not a cheater all his life. i know him and he has never cheated with his wife before he met me. It's all unexpected. We have been living together for more than a year as well. ironically, we live more as husband and wife than they do. But im just not sure where this is going. im so confused and in pain as well,knowing he's not entirely mine.
View related questions:
at work, married man, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): I cant understand how you can sit back and write this message defending yours and your lovers actions, what you are both doing is WRONG... You only know what he is telling you, for all you know he can be very cosy when hes at home with his WIFE and telling you what you want to hear because he wants his cake and eat it. What kind of man will bring another child into the world knowing that his relationship with his wife is doomed for failure?? A SELFISH ONE!!! Why did you get involved with a married man in the first place, its not that hard to resist when you have morals and when you treat people the way you would want to be treated. the fact of the matter is affairs like this happen because girls like you are too willing to be the other woman and then you write in feeling sorry for yourself because you don't want to be the other woman blah blah, Think about how them poor children are gonna feel when the affair is exposed and their family is torn apart the two of you should be ashamed of yourself's. he's living the dream while your wearing your rose tinted glasse's wake up and smell the coffee girl he's using you...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): You have been given excellent advice yet you still appear to be so simplistic. You have had an excuse for everything. Your immaturity is very apparent and I firmly believe that the Aunts are now wasting their energies here. Bottom line: you WILL NOT leave this womans hb and you will always remain second best. Why7v bec it is the choice you have made.
BTW I know of someone who was never late from work, had the same friends as his wife, both went to work together YET he managed to still have a mistress. So although you believe your affair is different and your cheating man is different, wake up and smell the coffee. You are stealing someone else husband and you have settled as second best.
If this man is so deceitful and lies to his wife and kids, what is stopping him from doing the same to you. As for your common friends whom have betrayed his wife (revealing her sms and lieing to her) they are just as bad as you and the cheater.
I have learnt in life: cheaters never prosper they always pay the price. Simple words but effective.
LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, MarnieW  +, writes (18 May 2011):
I'm writing from the position of someone who was a mistress for 9 years. Ike you I made my own money owned my own place etc. I saw him every week day and some weekends. Everyone knew about us, his wife knew about me as his ex but she had suspicions which he would of course deny. I was ok about the sharing in the beginning but I fell I. Love with him. I had been hurt in the past so kept my feelings to myself until one day when he said 'i know you love me' bit arrogant but I smiled. From there we were committed. We spoke about him leaving her. I'd heard the old sayings like you and was in exactly the same place as you are now.Guess what I did, started dating other guys. Nothing serious but I thought i mvht meet someone who is free to love me. I had a daughter from a previous relationship but was sick of being alone. He then realised he could risk losing me and on my 40th birthday asked me whether I would live with him. It took a year for his divorce to come thru. I helped with the finance and legal issues, but im no fool, he bought me a car. That was two years ago.
The moral of my story is that you need to set yourself a timeline in which you say to yourself. 'if he hasnt or doesnt look as tho he will leave his wife by X, I will move on' . Share it with him. Tell him u want to settle down. Do you want to be in the same situation 2 or 3 years down the line? U deserve to b happy. If he loves u he will do the decent thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (18 May 2011):
 its not about starting a fight with him, hell you have every right to ask someone what their true intentions are when they are holding your heart in their hands the way he is. all you are asking for is an honest discussion and get this matter resolved one way or another, coz like i said; the only winner in this is HIM and that ain't fair! if he takes offence and it becomes an argument then i would make a mental note of that and see it as another one of his bad qualities. you said you two could talk about your problems - well, i think this comes within that category, don't you?
x
...............................
A
female
reader, malditah01 +, writes (18 May 2011):
malditah01 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks, angelDlite. You really hit the spot. I am here posting, wanting to know the opinions and thoughts of people I dont personally know because it is easier sometimes to be unanimous and talk to people you dont really know because you can talk more freely and you dont need to worry about how it's gonna be after this and seeing those people around right after. I honestly want to ask him about it, but i'm not sure how. i dont want to start a fight with him, and i'm not really sure if i am ready to hear what his answer could be. I'm somehow thinking as well that I don't want to ask him to leave his wife. if he would leave her, i want him to do it bec. he wanted to,and not just because I wanted him to. Im not sure how long im gonna wait for this to happen. i heard some stories that it does happen, on different time spans. Although i know that most stories like this dont end happily. :(
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): I ain't sure where this ship is going but it's a slow boat with a fast leak.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (18 May 2011):
 He's not entirely yours. He's not making you the official "his." That pretty well says that you are the mistress and that is what you will stay. Sorry for all your hopes and dreams but the reality is that you are the mistress."i know what it's like to be used by guys just to get in the sack and leave right after. And he's not one of them." He doesn't leave right after because he doesn't have to. You let him stick around even though he is married.Where is this going, you asked. Sadly, nowhere beyond what you have. The pain you feel is self-induced. When it hits the intolerable level, well, maybe you'll open your eyes. Right now, you are spending an enormous amount of energy rationalizing his continued bond and tie to the woman he chose as his wife, and the mother of his children. The real test will be a year from now, when you are in exactly the same position and he has another child by his wife. What will you do then, I wonder. Perhaps it won't be so confusing then, what your true status in his eyes is.Sad, very sad. To lay your future in a married man's hands. Ah well, you're still young. Maybe you'll figure it out before your choices make you even sadder and more confused and more hurt. I wish you strength and clarity.
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (18 May 2011):
so his wife knows there is something going on but she just can't prove it?? well that is just disgustingly cruel of him that he must be lying to her face and covering up his affair. if the marriage is really so 'over' as you seem to think it is then why not just be honest with her and tell her he has met the love of his life so he's leaving? maybe because he doesn't want to. i'm sorry but this perfect relationship you think you are in, really isn't. you live together sometimes, share problems, love each other - i don't dispute this, but if he wanted you and wanted to be yours exclusively he would do this.put him to the test if you want to know what the outcome of this situation will be - tell him to leave her and come to you. see what he does. you have come here to ask strangers where this relationship is heading when the one person you should really be asking is him.as it stands he is indeed having the best of both worlds and you are permitting this so why do you expect that he would want to make any changes. he is keeping you in limbo and i could just cry for his poor wife! put yourself in her shoes for a minute - if you had a husband and small children and your husband doesn't touch you any more (if this is true) and you can feel that he is having an affair but he looks into your eyes while promising he isn't and then you start to think you are paranoid, and the sick feeling you get every time you try to call him and get no answer, that sinking dread you feel, all your doubts that he soothed while he was home come back when he is away from home.think about these feelings, have some empathy for her coz one day you could find yourself living the very same nightmare if you stick with him
...............................
A
female
reader, malditah01 +, writes (18 May 2011):
malditah01 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who replied to my post. I am reading and analyzing them one by one. But let me comment on each of your responses.Dreamland - yea, it's tough,totally. But if he has other lovers, I would definitely know. We are working in the same company,and in the same office. We go to work together,go on lunch together, and wait for each other after our working hours so we can go home together. If we go out during weekends, we'r also together. He leaves his phone with me and his friends are my friends as well (remember, we have the same group of friends for 2 years before we started going out). I know it sounds stupid, but we created our own small world. So there's no way for me not to know if he's doing something else. Honeypie - he doesnt do it with his wife anymore ( for sure you'll say it's one of his lies again). he promised me that, and one of his close guy friends who the wife is friends with as well, showed me one of the girl's text messages hoping to change my mind. it says that her husband is not the same anymore, that he has never touched her after she gave birth. He never initiated any type of physical contact with her (not even held her hand,unless she holds his) and that she knows something's going on,but she just cant prove it. The friend was covering for my bf through the course of his text conversation with my bf's wife. I am also not just dating, sleeping, and flirting with him. We support each other in every situation. I cry on his shoulder, and he cries on mine. I know his fears and his happiness, and he knows mine. The main reason why I'm staying with him is because I found someone who really loves me. ive been in and out of relationships, and i know what it's like to be used by guys just to get in the sack and leave right after. And he's not one of them. ironman777 - i do not want him to desert his kids. I want him to be there for them and support them. But i just dont understand why he cant leave the girl. Please dont take my honesty as a b*tchiness. Im just saying that i'm okay with him having kids, but not with a wife. I am staying with him bec. I am honestly hoping he will have the courage to leave her at one point. To the anonymous reader/writer who says "It is about lust, orgasms, sex and more sex.". check my responses above. thanks.To the female anonymous reader who says "Your affair is no different than the next mistress' story.". I know it's hard to understand, and i cannot blame you if you stereotype every "3rd party" relationship. I, myself, had a hard time believing it at first. But he has proven his love and care for me (except he hasnt left his wife yet) time and time again. I can go on and on with a list of what he has done and what he has sacrificed for me. I am not blinding myself, and i am actually looking at it straight. If I didnt see anything worth holding on, i'll be long gone.Grymlocke666 - you make a lot of sense. i just hope i have the courage and the will to actually just leave. But you said he could have been married to me if it is me that he loves. That's actually what he told me.He knew the girl first before he actually met me. They met when they were still in high school. They became a couple for almost 10 years before they got married. Less than 2 years of being married to her, was the time we met. In the Philippines, we dont have divorce. At one point, he said he made a promise to take care of them that's why he's not leaving the girl. and he said he's going to lose his kids if he leaves her just like that. the process is a lot more difficult and complicated here in our country, as compared (I guess) in the US. However, you're right, even if he doesnt love the girl anymore, she's still the wife, not me. This is so sad, believe me. im saying this from the heart.So_Very_Confused - I really wish he has the courage to do what you did at a short span of time. Im not sure if im waiting for something or for nothing with him. i am hoping that at some point, he will have the same drive to leave. The Filipinos' typical way of thinking is very different from those from the west. They are more conservative and traditional in nature. I am a Filipina, but I just dont think that way. If i were him, I could have left already, just like what you did. But most of us here, would rather suffer, and live a somehow hopeless life day by day for the sake of what most people believe. Sad truth.
...............................
A
male
reader, Dreamland  +, writes (17 May 2011):
Wow!.....you're in a tough predicament. Why are you living with the guy? Just do your thing and have fun, but falling in love with a married person with the expectation that he's going to leave his wife for you?? A leopard doesn't lose its spots, so don't be surprised if he has other lovers too.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 May 2011):
 I don't see this relationship going anywhere.. He was sleeping with you and supposedly LOVEING you... yet he managed to knock his wife up too....
Sorry, dating, sleeping,flirting... with a married man is a disaster waiting to happen, and morally repugnant.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011):
I'll tell you where this is going:
This is ending with him staying with his wife and you left out in the cold. That's how it usually works.
...............................
A
male
reader, ironman777  +, writes (17 May 2011):
Sorry - have to agree and I cheated on my wife just before we broke up - step back and look at this situation - would you stay with any man that fathers a child and then deserts them while in another relationship? kids bring couples together - there is nothing more special than holding your child as they are born and it makes you very protective of the wee thing - this man is trash.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): "...it's not like what most people think of when they hear of this type of relationship. we are not just for sex and i am not up for his money (i have mine). "
This is the first inconsistency. Honey what else is your affair about? Your affair is no different than the next mistress' story. Realise this and accept this.
All the other Aunts have given you excellent advice. Whether you choose to wake up and smell the sh1t you are in, is up to you. Your cheater has the best of both worlds. He is having sex with you and his wife and this suits him. And fool that you are, you believe all his lies.
LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (17 May 2011):
the only winner in this rotten situation is him. you're hurting, his wife is being hurt (although she doesn't realise this yet) and he gets the security of being married and having someone to have children with, plus a girlfriend to share his bed while he is living away from home. why do you feel you don't deserve better? if he loved you as much as you think he does he would not be able to bear being married to someone else and going to see them on his time off from work and playing the part of a faithful husband (which,sorry, but probably includes sex)
i don't condone what you are doing by the way, but i know you will not want to dump him so what i would suggest is that its time for an honest talk with him. ask him why no divorce yet and give him the ultimatum - he's had his foot in both camps for long enough now - time to decide and stop pissing you about. if he won't leave her that will give you your answer.
if he DOES leave her and come to you, will you be able to trust him, knowing what lies and deceit he is seemingly remorselessly capable of?
don't be so sure that you are the only one he has had an affair with. you only know that coz he has TOLD you, and even i can see that he is not an honest person or else he wouldn't be living his life this way! so be careful to not take everything he says as the gospel truth!
x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): Hi it doesnt sound as if he had much time to cheat on his wife with others before he met you. Because you were really 'close friends' with him for two years and you have been living with him for over a year. By my math that means he has been emotionally/physically cheating with you virtually from the start of his marriage. During which time, he has also fathered at least one child with his hapless wife. It is difficult to say where this is going but he obviously isnt 100% involved with you if he is fathering a child with his wife and presumably still seeing her at certain times of the month.
The best thing to do is to sit down with him and ask him to make a decision because what he is doing is wrong. His wife needs to know that he is not being faithful or loyal to her, not least because she may wish to cease having children with him as he is not committed to her.
Once she knows her situation it is then up to the two of them to decide if they want to repair their marriage or not. If they decide to try, you will just have to accept their decision and move on. On the other hand, they might decide their marriage can not be repaired. Should that happen, you will then be able to build a proper relationship with him. But until he is prepared to speak to his wife, im afraid you will either have to live with him as you do. Or make your own decision to leave him until he has cleared up the mess he has gotten himself into. And made a decision one way or the other about which woman he is going to be faithful to. At the moment he isnt being faithful to either of you and that will continue until he can muster up the courage to speak honestly to his wife.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 May 2011):
 it's going nowhere darling.
IF he was going to leave his wife he would have.
as a woman who left her husband for someone I can assure you that it would have happened already. I was 4 months in with my man when my husband moved out...
if after a year he still sees her and she does not know about you then you are his dirty little secret.
it's not going to change.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): Nowhere and very fast I need to add. You are just wasting your time.
...............................
|
