A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:About 7 months ago I went through terrible breakup with my 'first love/relationship'. About 2 months later I met the girl that is my current girlfriend. We dated for 3 months before making things official (The only thing I regret is having sex with her soo early(like the 3rd day we hung out), because I really hadn't gotten to know her and put much effort into building a relationship or respect.) We are now 2 months into our relationship, but feel troubled by one aspect of it...This girl is probably the sweetest person I have ever met and has what I believe to be every quality that I would look for in a woman, but I just don't feel that spark that I did with my first love and sometimes feel like I could have someone that is even prettier(Yes, I know it is not all about looks because she is very pretty, but I always feel like once I get something, I can one up it by something better).I don't miss my ex or anything about her as my new girlfriend dwarfs her in comparison, but I just don't feel the way I did in my past relationship(which was very rocky, and came to realize more so filled with infatuation). The main difference other than how they both act is that I spent over a year chasing my ex before getting her and got my current girlfriend in pretty much 3 days, which to my understanding affects allot of things.I don't want to spend every living second with her like I did my ex. I don't feel over-the-top in-love/infatuated with her like I did my ex. I think i'm just really hesitant to open up to her because I was hurt so much in this past relationship.. now, I just don't know what to do? Is this normal for a relationship following a first love/relationship? Is this something that takes time to get past or the root of a future problem in my current relationship?I love being around her and could see myself marrying this girl one day, but I know this(these) confusion/thoughts will have to diminish or be cleared up before taking any more steps in that direction. Thank you in advance for your help!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2014): What you are experiencing is the "rebound-effect." You only broke up with your ex seven months ago. You headed for the quickest pain-killer you could find; and immediately started a new relationship. You rushed out to find a quick replacement for your ex. You thought it would shorten your period of suffering. Numb the pain.
You're not a villain, but you are being dishonest.
Never make comparisons between women, and past relationships.
Each new person in your life brings something different and unique to the table. You are dealing with a different personality; so do not compare behavior and reactions between individuals. It's unfair, and even more proof that you're not over your ex-girlfriend. You are looking for similarities; instead of appreciating the differences.
Now you feel guilty; and claim there is no spark. You think you had sex too soon? Not only did you have sex too soon; you started a relationship too soon as well.
You thought you were ready, and you believed starting a whirlwind relationship would cure all your emotional ills leftover from the breakup. You're human. You have feelings.
You felt pain, and that's okay. You just want the pain to go away. We all understand and relate to that.
Only time heals,and there may be relapses in-between,and residual pain from the breakup. There are emotional triggers that may bring back feelings of grief and sadness. Good days and bad days. Seven months is hardly enough time. You can date, but forming a new commitment may be premature.
By no means can you say on the one-hand there is no spark, no desire to be with her every moment; and on the other, claim you could see yourself marrying this women someday. You and I both know that isn't so. You're trying to divert any assumption that she is just your rebound girl. I don't know about the other aunts and uncles; but you don't fool me. Nor yourself, for that matter. She is the only one being fooled here.
You're in denial and claiming you're over your ex. Your entire post is solid evidence that you're not.
Your dilemma is, what do you do with this woman you've only formed a relationship only two months ago? You're realizing your feelings aren't as strong as you lead her to believe.
I don't believe you will ever marry her, and I don't believe your feelings will really become any stronger for her. That doesn't make her any less of a good catch; just that you created a complication for her by pulling her into your life when you weren't ready.
You owe her the truth, She deserves to be set free before you cause her a lot of emotional pain. Man up and let this poor woman go. You'll only play her along and mislead her to believe you love her. If there is no spark, there is no love. She doesn't deserve to be lead on.
It has only been two months; so don't you dare let another several months go by before you end up dumping her. If you feel you've made a mistake, now is the best time to correct it.
A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (21 January 2014):
 Some of your problem seems to stem around the fact that you both had sex with eachother to early, and maybe even got together to early. Like you said with your first girlfriend, you spent a year chasing her, and I bet when you finally got together it was worth the wait. Men like the chase, they like the temptation and the fun of just waiting for things to happen, if a women or a man moves things forward to early or decides to have sex to early, it ruins the anticipation and can sometimes get rid of the spark or lead to a relationship based around physical attraction. It was a mistake on your part and hers, and yes you are very correct it unfortunately does affect a lot of things. It makes it harder because these days not many couples get time to know eachother before they get together, you didn't spend very long dating/seeing her and i'm sure with your ex you probably spent a lot longer getting to know her before things were 100% offical. Of course you may be hesitant to open up to her due to being hurt in the past, and things have moved forward between you two so quickly that you don't know her as well as you would maybe like to. And yes, these problems such as trust are very hard to solve when you may of been hurt by someone in the past but of course thats something you can work on. And think about it, you've known/dated this girl for all in all 5 months, maybe you need to more time with her in order to open up, I wouldn't open up completely to someone i'd been with for a mere five months because it would be far too soon. I think you should take some time to enjoy your time with her and maybe talk about a few of your trust issues, with her or even a friend? Getting to the root of the problem and over-coming it will take time, being hurt by a loved one doesn't disapear over night so yes its going to take time. Despite your confusion from what I see I think you might be a good match for her, and i'm gald you realize the problem and you are honest, and you might be able to get a prettier girl but would she have all the qaulities of this one? No she wouldn't. I think you should just take it slow and try your best to kind of let your love build up like you did with your ex, and if you feel things are still the same in a couple of months then maybe its simple that you aren't ready for another relationship atm. Things have all moved very fast for you, with this girlfriend and the heartbreak you endured with your ex, so slow down, take one day at a time, work on your trust issues or talk about them with a friend and keep your feet on the ground. Good Luck :) x
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