A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend takes a very long time (or not at all) to have an orgasm through a hand job or a blow job. It's like he gets so close but just can't seem to tip over the edge. He has guided me, told me what he likes but it is as if he is desensitized and he said his penis can feel a little numb. Yet in intercourse, he can come within minutes! I have felt many times as if I am doing something wrong but he assures me it isn't me. However, I do worry. He says he really wants to come and we do have a fantastic sex life with the connection that we have. Unfortunately though, I can't tease him through foreplay with this type of stimulation like he can me and he doesn't want it to be like this. He said it hasn't ever happened to him before but it was a number of years ago that he was having regular sex before me. He is now 48. Help!
View related questions:
blow-job, foreplay, hand-job, orgasm, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, RosyTulip +, writes (21 January 2014):
I think what is really missed out here is the fun of foreplay. Just because an orgasm can be achieved via intercourse doesn't make everything alright. Many couples love to indulge in tantalizing and caressing one another and it is a shame if that doesn't work, plus when a period comes along, this could mean nothing happens at all. I really think a bit of understanding is needed with this problem.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2014): I think Tish1 makes very good points.
I got some PMs and would like to express the following in response:
If this is such a big problem for him, why didn't he write and tell how he feels about it?
We're getting second-hand information from the OP; and don't know at all how HE feels about it. OP you are quite angry and confrontational. Perhaps I touched some sore spots. I don't know you. I call it as I see it, and I shoot from the hip. I don't always spoon-feed people with sugar-coated answers. However; I get them to think and face the realities of life.
I have a lot of experience and my intentions are to help people. The vast majority of my readers appreciate it, and don't hesitate to tell me. They come back.
It's nobody's "fault," if he can't get off on a blow job and or a hand job. Fault isn't a factor. However the search for blame is causing angst. If he was younger, I'd take all this more seriously.
He's talking about what he "used to do."
Well, he could do a lot of things when he was younger. He's older now. I guess he has to deal with that issue as well.
As Tish1 powerfully put it, he did make an issue of the fact he could do it in the past. This may be his way of dodging any question, why he can't do it now. Age may be the main factor, and the fact it is now a "couple issue" adds to the performance anxiety. It isn't the OP's fault at all. She is concerned only because he is, and may feel somehow it is her fault. She wants to please him.
Removing this element from your sex-life will no doubt solve the problem.
If he otherwise functions normally through intercourse; and he can't ejaculate by any other form of penile manipulation; then enjoy what is good and dependable. He can always seek therapy. Sex is supposed to be fun.
Just taking this all in stride may alleviate some of the pressure. It takes longer, or it just doesn't happen. It's a hell of a lot better than not being about to perform intercourse. Or having PE! Wouldn't you say OP?
As the joke goes:
Patient: "Doctor, it hurts when I do this!"
Doctor: "Then don't do that!"
If he can't ejaculate by blow job or hand job. Then don't do it. Continue to enjoy doing what he can do! Experiment with something else.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 January 2014):
 Something about this excerpt "he doesn't want it to be like this. He said it hasn't ever happened to him before but it was a number of years ago that he was having regular sex before me" makes it sound like he IS blaming this on you.We get lots of posts from women and sometimes their partners who are upset that they can't reach orgasm through intercourse. They are perfectly able to do so via oral or manual partnered sex or via solo masturbation.The thing that strikes me in those posts is that we know it's not a matter of not being able to orgasm. The problem lies in the value judgment placed on the origin of the orgasm itself. They physiologically are in the majority of women who do not achieve orgasm through penetration alone. They need the clitoral stimulation, but somehow, somewhere, someone decided that an orgasm reached through only manual or oral stimulation isn't 'enough,' that she SHOULD be able to reach orgasm through intercourse alone. It's a load of bullcrap.Freud has a lot to answer for, saying that there are two types of orgasms and that only the vaginal one has any 'value.' *pffffft* what an idiot. It's caused so much angst for women who happily have all sorts of orgasms, just not the "right" one.I think he is doing kind of the same thing. He's placing a 'value' on how he gets there, and because his penis/physiology/brain dictates an extended stimulation via oral or manual, it's somehow a failure. He's perfectly capable of reaching orgasm through intercourse.Relax. You both enjoy sex, you enjoy all aspects of it, so, stop placing a value on the orgasm's origin.Add some different safe-for-oral-sex lubricants to manual sex and oral sex. Have him show you how he reaches orgasm. Play! Enjoy! I would suggest that he lay off watching porn for now as it may confuse him, thinking that something is 'wrong' that it takes him longer to orgasm, when, physiologically, he just does. Watching some pornos where it takes a minute or two isn't going to help him at all.And lay off the value judgements. Come back in 3 months time and report on how things are going then.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2014): To: RosyTulip
This isn't a matter of delayed ejaculation. It's about what works to get him off, and what doesn't. No one is minimizing the issue; we are diminishing the anxiety about it. If he can otherwise have normal and successful intercourse, how is this a matter of delayed ejaculation?
This is too much ado about nothing.
to OP:
He is still responding to you. The man is 48 years old. You don't have to suggest to me about delayed ejaculation. I know a thing or two. I also happen to be a male.
If it is before sex, then perhaps he is afraid if he ejaculates too soon, he will not be able to perform full intercourse.
You're not talking to a fool here. He only considers this a problem; because he is worrying about what you might think about it. It is still no big deal. If he thinks it is, then it's still more his problem than yours.
In fact, there is no reason to be upset about if he can otherwise perform normally; and you have a good sex life.
That's where there is a big contradiction. I read the whole post. Some things work for a guy, and some don't. If you can normally perform sexually, but certain things don't work. You don't get all bent out of shape. Pardon the pun!
Apparently that doesn't work for him. It isn't a sexual malfunction; and I believe you're the one who might benefit from doing more reading on the subject.
...............................
A
female
reader, RosyTulip +, writes (21 January 2014):
Why has no one said anything about delayed ejaculation? That is a common sexual problem and how about when a woman is having a period? Intercourse isn't always possible then, is it? There are also many men out there that love to have a blow job and to cum in their partner's mouth and are perfectly capable of it! So I think the answers are actually minimising this problem quite a lot.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 January 2014):
 It's pretty normal.
Hubby can last 45 min(sore jaws, I tell you) on a BJ and 2-10 min on "regular intercourse".
Men enjoy it whether they come or not, so don't see it as a "failure" from your side if he doesn't orgasm.
Mix it up. And don't focus on orgasm as the ONLY goal.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2014): I'm the original poster responding to WiseOwlE...excuse me?! I don't think you quite understand I'm afraid. Let me quote what you said: 'After rigorous intercourse and a lot of manipulation; the penis needs a rest period'. Of course it does...this is BEFORE intercourse! Let me please tell you, my other half considers this to be a problem. He wants to be able to have an orgasm this way; he wants to be teased and tantalised to the point of almost no return through foreplay. He is disappointed that it can't happen. He isn't used to his body not responding in this way. Have you not heard of delayed ejaculation? It is very important to couples...look it up! What do you mean if it doesn't happen it doesn't matter?! Of course it does, my poor other half is left feeling incredibly frustrated! Of course it matters to have satisfaction! How would you like to be incredibly aroused and then left without an orgasm? I love my other half very much and fortunately, with intercourse, he has no problem at all, so that would never be the case and he has said that if the roles were reversed, he'd do all he could to make certain I'd had an orgasm or he'd feel awful. I'm not expecting him to 'perform'...I'm wanting him to enjoy the experience. I'm not making a big deal out of nothing! That's certainly not how he sees it! Your response was very harsh; I think perhaps you've had a few bad experiences to make you reply in such a way and need to look at yourself!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2014): That's normal OP and nothing to do with you. Not only is age a factor but mentally it's a completely different experience to intercourse. Knowing that you feel it's important isn't helping at all by the way, it's very hard to get in the zone when you're feeling under pressure to orgasm from a hand job and of course it does go numb after a little while of doing it.
I'm not a woman but I can only assume mentally getting head is different for a woman because usually men take a controlling role in intercourse too, it is a different experience to be laying back and letting your partner take control of your pleasure for us guys. It makes focussing on our pleasure a little tougher than when we're in control.
OP hand jobs and blow jobs are to most men what intercourse is to most women in the sense that they're amazing regardless of whether you have an orgasm or not. Frankly doing it for a long time is pointless, all that friction will make it go numb eventually and also makes it more of a chore for you than is necessary. You'll quickly grow tired of having to spend that long trying to get him off that way.
My advice would be to just form different habits and switch things around a little, and most importantly stop putting you making him orgasm that way on such a pedestal.
Next time you give him either, let him finish himself off into your mouth or onto you. Maybe even lie there together and let him masturbate with you there so you can see what he does. Other things you can do is to keep it as foreplay, do it as a warm up then hop on and finish off that way.
OP it's only important that he can get there some way with you, it doesn't matter how and in fact intercourse is the best way anyway. OP sex is about fun, where's the fun in feeling this way about a minor act such as a hand job. It's fun whether you finish him or he takes over and finishes himself. There's no place for pressure, stress or feeling like a failure in the bedroom, just enjoy it. When the expectations leave then he'll find it much easier to relax. Once you take the focus away from you having to make it happen it'll most likely just start happening "accidentally" as part of your sex life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2014): Stop making it an issue. Your "reaction" is causing the problem. You come across as disappointed.
By doing so, you're creating tension about it. You're embarrassing him. HE'S 48, NOT 28!!!
After rigorous intercourse and a lot of manipulation; the penis needs a rest period. How long can you take something in and out of your body; before you need to take a time out?
Why are you so worried about it? It's HIS penis. You're creating performance anxiety by behaving like there is something wrong; and he knows the next thing is to constantly reassure you that it's not your fault.
Then if it's not your fault; that must mean there is something wrong with him?
Neither is true. You may be too rough, and you're expecting him to pop on demand. Is there some deadline or timeline he must meet? Do you set a timer?
If it takes time, or doesn't happen. So what???
How about leaving it alone, and just let things happen naturally. Do you orgasm each and every-time you are
"expected" to?
Here's some advice.
Men interpret your complaints to mean he is inadequate in some way.
Many women have body image issues. They feel that it is unfair when men force them to compete or compare themselves to the sexy images of porn actresses, or younger shapelier women. It makes them feel self-conscious and inadequate.
The equivalent is a woman acting like there is something wrong; if she can't make you perform and respond on queue like a robot or a machine. A penis is a body part, and performs according signals from his brain.
You're placing obstacles in his brain by killing the mood, and making a big deal out of nothing.
STOP IT!!!
...............................
|
