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*lackberry123
writes:I am married to a good person. We actually get along well and try to take care of each other on a day to day basis. In many ways I feel as if I am married to my sister or to a favorite aunt who also happens to be a workaholic and who has virtually no interest in sex. There is no hostility between us, good friendship, but no passion and relatively few shared interests. (I suspect she may have been abused in her childhood, but she's never wanted to talk about this).For 10 of the 11 years of our marriage I told myself that this was good enough, that love of any kind is a good thing--even if there are significant challenges.Then, without looking for it, I met someone online via a facebook recommendation, and my life got turned on its head. We began to write--and write--and write. Feelings I didn't know existed came pouring out of me. We absolutely fell for each other. And thus began a wonderful but challenging relationship that lasted about a year and a half.She lives out of state, but we met a couple of times, and it was magical. However, she felt uncomfortable in the role of the "other woman," and I felt that I couldn't throw my wife under the bus.We tried all sorts of ways to deal with the issue over the course of a year and a half but in the end, we couldn't resolve it. Seeing that my friend was in pain over this--and being in pain myself, I finally did the difficult thing: I ended it. Our last words to each other were "I'll always love you."That's not a bad way to conclude a relationship, and I don't think going back is the answer. I'm planning to ask my wife to join me in marriage counseling to see if we can make things work, but the truth is I miss my friend terribly--and I know I will for a long time.So, after all this--does anyone have any advice? Has anyone experience anything like this? Have they been able to make their marriage better?Thanks for your thoughts.
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reader, micha  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 what i can say for not always in you life follow your hear because your heart will not thin right as mush as you brain so always tihink very well before doing you move
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): I feel your pain. I am in the same kind of marriage and, to those of you who answered "why did you marry this person in the first place?", we all have reasons for what we do and they make sense at the time, but were maybe not the best decision for us. It is called a "mistake" and people make them. You can't conjure up feelings for someone that simply do not exist, whether through counseling or any other means. I understand not wanting to hurt the person who truly does love you and depends on you who you promised to be with forever, but at some point I think that your personal happiness has to become the most important thing. To go through an entire lifetime without ever feeling that wondrous experience of being "in love" with someone is a sad thing. I say LOVE YOURSELF and do what is right for you while handling the relationship with your wife as delicately as possible. She deserves to be loved by someone who is "in love" with her as well. I am working on this in my life right now and wish you all the best.
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reader, smile(: +, writes (13 August 2010):
I can't say I have any experience with this, so don't take my comments for more than they're worth. First let's cut all the expectations and examine all the options.
You say you and your wife take care of each. That's more than a lot of marriages I can think of. In which ways do you care for each other. I mean there is more than just physically taking care of each other. You mention no shared interests and a lack of romantic love. To be blunt it sounds like a marriage of convenience. Why did you marry her in the first place? Not that it is necessarily bad, and most marriages end up that way after the initial spark dies anyways.
That you have been married for 11 years and your wife has not opened up to you enough to tell you about her past completely is not a good sign, but then most people won't admit their whole past to themselves anyways, take it with a grain of salt. That you are reportedly 51-59 old and never fallen in love ("Feelings I didn't know existed came pouring out of me") further complicates the issue. Falling in love and having your heart broken a few times give valuable experience.
Just because you have fallen in love with this other person does not mean they necessarily have the other traits that make for a good companion. Can you make the same spark that happened with this other person happen with your wife?
That this other person is uncomfortable with the role of "the 'other woman,'" is good as is your unwillingness to throw your wife under the bus.
How does your wife respond when you bring up the issue that you would like more from your marriage? If she is unwilling to have a romantic relationship with you would she care if you had one with someone else as long as her position with you was not threatened? Would she be ok with you keeping in contact with this other person just as a friend?
Personally I think the best solution is if you can make your marriage with your wife have the romantic qualities you want. It takes an element of just knowing how to make it happen that comes with experience. I would read, stuff like http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Girl-to-Fall-for-You (this is written more for a high school scene but still). I seriously doubt counciling will be able to make it happen. The next best solution and next in difficulty is to tell you wife about this other person and what happened and see what she says/thinks. If you can't do those then simply accept that you will not have resolution to this and move on to enjoy the good things that are in your life.
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