A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Someone please help. I have been dating this girl on and off for almost 6 years now. At one point, we dated for 2 years. Right now, we are dating again, and have been for 2 months. She is fine, she is head-over-heels for me. But about a year and a half ago, when we weren't dating, but had a mutual agreement to be close friends, maybe even with benefits, she did something horrible. She had a relationship with my closest most trusted friend. They always used to talk to each other on the phone late at night, even right in front of me. I always asked why but she just claimed she "needed someone to talk to other than me". I pleaded with them and made clear that it would absolutely kill me if they had some kind of relationship, and begged my "best friend" to stay away from her because it was morally wrong for him to be with her if he knew she and I were still complicated. Months later, she got back together with me and finally admitted to having sex with him several times after both promised me that it wasn't true over and over for months and lied behind my back. Most of the time, I am too nice to let it hurt, and so I forgave both, we are dating, and I am still sort of friends with the other guy. But from time to time I just get destroyed by the thought of it, and it keeps me up at night and makes me want to never speak to either of them again because I am so disgusted. I feel like my priveledge of being her boyfriend has been violated by someone whom I layed all my trust in. All I want to know is, is there any way I can get this feeling of absolute disgust and destroyed trust towards my old friend, and partly towards my girlfriend, for what they did? Is there something I can do to mentally get this out of my mind so I can sleep at night? Please, someone just offer some kind of advice, even if minor. I need to hear something from someone other than the two of them. Anything you can say is greatly appreciated. Thanks so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell Hannah really hit the problem right on the head. Thanks a lot, it was really nice to hear from a third party some kind of options for a way to get over this and possibly move on - someone that didn't involve the circle of friends to which the problem occurs. Hannah you are great thanks.
To the other people who commented, Pete, I see where you're coming from, and I wish it was that easy to just get rid of her, but it wasn't that they didn't do anything wrong. As I said, she and I had been on and off for many years. This was a time when we were still kind of "together" but taking a break. We are in a circle of friends who all knew how I felt about the situation as it began to unfold, and saw it happening. Everyone agreed and sat down with my good friend without me and said to him to just stay away from her because of how it would affect all of us, especially me. Imagine your best friend doing something that would completely wreck you, and not even caring about its effects on you or both of your groups of friends. What kind of friend is that? A careless one. But honestly thanks for the advice.
I'm glad I found this place I kept finding places online that are like live counseling chats for 80 bucks an hour and all I needed was a place to vent haha.
And to the anonymous replier: No offense, but I'll take your advice when you learn how to spell, which would indicate to me that you have some kind of relationship experience. Age 14 doesn't really qualify you to give relationship, advice in my opinion.
Thanks all, keep answering if you'd like, I'm still listening!
A
female
reader, Heyhannah  +, writes (23 January 2007):
 The exact thing happened to me a few years ago. It really tears you up inside . There are two options to solving this problem , number one is you can end it with this girl , start afresh and forget all about this relationship but i suspect that this won't be a good idea for you as i feel you really love her ( it takes true love to forgive somone of breaking you're heart) so the only other option is to let go of these bad feelings, you can only look forward and with every day that goes by the pain will ease a little, just think about how distrort you were when you first heard the news and how far you've come . I believe you to be very brave, i no how hard it is to go back to someone with everyone else telling you you're crazy , these people dont understand that going back to this person is all you can do . keep strong and focus on the now . you are with her now , you have you're future ahead of you and the worst of this is over let all of these things keep you posative. good luck.Hannah
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): Well despite her not having done anything wrong, I can understand the pain you are going through. If you had no contact with either of these, I'd advice you that the pain will get easier over time, but seeing as he is still your mate and you are actually going out with this girl, well I can only guess that it will take a considerably longer time to "get over".
I think you need to face facts: There is nothing you can forgive these two for; they did nothing wrong. You have to stop seeing yourself as some poor victim who has had his heart crushed by the two closest people he trusted and either accept the past, or move on. What happened, happened. It is not their fault and she owes nothing to fix things - it is your problem.
Perhaps an element of this, which you are unwilling to admit, is that you are jealous. You feel like your mate went "there" when you see your girlfriend as yours. Perhaps that feeling will go away with time, perhaps it will never. What i'm trying to say is, those images that are tormenting you will go when you uncover the real reasons for why you feel them.
If you don't think things are getting easier - can i ask why you are putting yourself through such misery? I guess it is because you may be inexperienced at relationships, perhaps you have not had other meaningful relationships to see that you can love more than one person. And, the truth is, if someone hurts you in a way that changes things in your head, there will always be someone else out there that you can fall in love with. Someone without the graphic past that plagues your mind. Probably not comforting advice, sorry.
Whatever happens though - I believe everything is OK in the end and if it's not OK, it's not the end.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): dude no offense, but i think you shuld just get away 4rm ur gf cuz dat thing will alwaiz b in ur head..n the person you trusted had the chance 4 u to trust but she just waisted it..dat thing kind of happened to me already, but if you still want to saty w/ ur gf just b sure dat she n ur fwen r not dat close..
-how to probli solve this is don't care too mch or think mch of wat happened in the passed b/c u will get used to thinking of those..just tri 2 mke up w/ her as close as u can and mke sme kind of deal or promise,that will not b done agen, for this type of thing not to happen again
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A
male
reader, Peterk5699 +, writes (23 January 2007):
 Hi.
I don't mean for this to sound the wrong way or anything but maybe you could try a couple of counciling sessions? Just let all your feelings out to him/her and it will be kept confidential.
Good luck.
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