A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys was wondering if I could have an objective view on this as it is really worrying me…please bare with me as it will be long cos I feel I need to give as much info as poss.Me and my guy have been seeing each other for almost a year. I have been the happiest I have been for a long, long time (having been single on and off for many years) and thought I’d finally me “the One”. Now I’m not so sure….To start with, we both have bad insecurities. He is very paranoid about me maybe fancying other people, or going off him etc and I’m very insecure about those things as well. I would say that probably I am more vocal about it cause I find it hard to comfort myself sometimes. He also can be vocal about it but it never has bothered me, in fact it kind of makes me feel secure and like I have met the right one because he understands how I am feeling. Infact, this is probably the first relationship where I have been able to talk honestly (without arguing) about insecurities and jealousy. I believe that half of this is because I have grown up a lot over the years (am 32) and he has been in a relationship prior to me for 8 years (he’s the same age) and he has learnt a lesson or two from his last relationship. So we quite often have “talks” about what is wrong, what we can do to solve it etc, etc.My fella hardly ever goes out if I’m honest. Since I have been with him, he has been out ONCE with his friend and he wanted me to meet him. The reason for this is the fact that he doesn’t have many friends cause he never really kept in touch when he was with his ex. The other reason is that he is not really a drinker. He could find people to go out with I guess if he really wanted to. He has always maintained that he didn’t feel the need to go out (except every once in a while) cos he was happy as he was and would rather spend his money doing something nice with me – after guys that would put beer and mates before me I wondered which plant this guy had landed from and was so happy!!!Well I know I am a pain in the arse. I analyse everything and worry so much it’s a wonder I don’t have a hernia. He is insecure but doesn’t really worry too much. Unfortunately sometimes I cause unnecessary tensions cause I will read into something that’s not even there and make my bloke on edge. For example if he doesn’t give me a cuddle before leaving the bed I will go quiet and sulky and then he will have to ask whats wrong and then when I tell him he says why don’t I go over to him if I’m feeling that way. Friday I was feeling particularly insecure and I noticed he didn’t say “I Love You” bfore leaving the house for work – normally he does – so my brain is set in motion. Then I email him at work asking how he is, and he emails me back but still with no “I Love You” (which he had been doing for the past week or so); so because I am feeling particularly insecure because I know he is out that evening for his work’s xmas do (no partners invited) and that there are women he works with out, my insecurities burn a knot into my stomach and almost make me feel ill, that I email him and “have a dig” about him not telling me he loves me. Pathetic I know. He is apologetic, saying please babe, I don’t want to argue with you over something so silly. We make it up and that is that.Later that evening he goes out for his works do. He had been out since 7, I thought he might come home earliesh since when I go out I get bored easily (I’m tired of the nightclub and bar scene) and would rather be with him. So I am sat there winding myself up wondering who he is flirting with, when he is going to come home etc, etc. earlier on in the day he said he wouldn’t be any later than 1 am he didn’t think, because he was going out so earlier. Well sitting there getting more and more anxious (so anxious my hands are shaking), I hear his key in the lock and he seems in a good mood. I am so strung up by now I ask him “Did you see (name of woman I think fancies him)?” “No, I didn’t see anyone I knew out” me: “was it a good night then?” him:”yes I had a good laugh dancing etc” and then he told me he got into a row with a doorman and that he was angry about it. The thing is my boyfriend is so argumentative when he’s had a drink, normally I leave anything I want to say to him until morning, but I’d had too much chance to wind myself up so I ask again “Did you dance with any girls” and I could tell he was mega p*ssed off. With that he said he was going home and got up to go, I stopped him in the doorway and he started shouting at me so loudly. He was saying how my insecurities do his head in and it’s all about “me, me me, me” and I’m opinionated. He was saying all I care about is how I feel and my insecurities etc, and that I didn’t want him to have a good night unless it was with me. I was trying to defend myself by saying “Look Matt, actually you can be as bad when it comes to insecurities” but this just made him even ANGRIER and he was denying he had ever hardly been insecure. And I have never felt so intimidated with him. He is normally a soft person (although can be firey just like me) and so understanding of my insecurities).I started to cry but he didn’t care. He carried on for over an hour and a half ranting and raving at me and actually looked like he was getting a big confidence boost from having a go at me. In the end I didn’t bother to defend myself and I just sat there hoping he’d soon run out of steam. I was crying but it didn’t seem to affect him.I have my own place (that I have brought and tried the best I can to make nice) and he hasn’t, as he was living with his ex and then had to move in with his Dad, but he was saying to me “I have a fantastic night with my friends and then I come back to this sh*t hole to see THAT face”…”You can’t just be happy I’ve had a good night can you?? No all you care about is YOU! And that you don’t want me to have a good time unless it’s with YOU!” He was acting like a big bully.The next day, he was remorseful and took back a lot of what he said, but I felt so so gutted. We are supposed to be planning to move in with each other soon, but I am so scared of it not working. He did say that he admits he does have the insecurities too, and that he loves me and was just being an a*se hole cos of drinking far too much. But something is niggling in my mind……he must have meant all those things as they say “sober thoughts are drunken words…..” and I know my insecurities are bad, but SO ARE HIS!!! On Friday night he completely denied this saying “I’m no way near as bad as you” and “I may have had a little bit of insecurity in the beginning but I’m not as bad as you” and it was like he liked having the upper hand. As I said, next day he takes all this back and admits that his insecurities can get bad.I’m worried this relationship is doomed……..what can I do to sort things out once and for all?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): Original Poster here...
I just want to thank you both for the advice.
I have made an appointment to see a Relate counsellor thurs of this week. I am tired of feeling this way.
I am not very hopeful though as I saw a counsellor for close to a year and a half and she didn't change one single thing.
I constantly read up on the internet about techniques to quash jealousy insecurity etc, and the advice sounds good until it comes to putting it into practice and it's like my emotions take over and I can't calm myself down/comfort myself.
VicTastico, what you said about being self-involved being due to low self-esteem could be very true for me as I have never had a healthy self-esteem. I have tried to help it but i understand why it is low - so-called friends that are bitchy and use me (I need them though otherwise I would be stuck home when not with boyfriend), bad relationship experiences etc, etc. I have taken up a nightcourse, done exercise and it seems like nothing raises my self-esteem.
I feel like I'm doomed to mess up every single relationship i have and end up an old spinster with horrible using friends and no life!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): You both need to get a handle on your insecurities. By acting so paranoid and distrustful you are denying yourself a loving relationship filled with trust and long term happiness.
And if you do not get a handle on it you may destroy the budding relationship before it can flower into something more wonderful.
Get some urgent couples counselling. And talk about your jealousy, mistrust and paranoia issues.
Intending marriage couples get that counselling. You need it too before you can move forward together.
Not saying he loves you? You were way over the top. If he says it once a day or more or less than that each month, then what does it matter, if at least he says once every month.
Surely you Know he loves you?
If you KNOW he loves you how many times a week does he have to say it to prove he loves you. Way too insecure to need that multiple times a day..
Understand the need to act with more empathy.
Certainly he can't drink too much or he becomes a monster. Offset by fact that he goes out rarely. Next time he goes out he should not drink as often as he did this time. He did drink far too much and then he was abusive when he got back. Drink makes people behave badly,
He does not go out very often. Surely he is entitled to go to his work show? Without undue drama? But not drink too much. You have a right to be cross at his abusive talk. But digging and goading by you did not help matters.
You trusted he would not drink excessively and he let you down.
Buy you should have shown more empathy when he got home. And some of the remarks you made to each other just made things worse. It would ruin the night to come home to that fight.
Counselling is a must.
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