A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating a girl for over four years now. we started going out right when she was graduating high school, and now we're getting close to finishing college. We both plan to go on for a further degree at the same school that we're already at though.I live in a mid-sized town, and she originally lived in a farm town (read: one of those 300 person towns). The problem for her was that this meant she had no privacy thanks to the gossip chain. Definitely a situation where she had to live up to her family's expectations which were directly influenced by the community's views.The background is that when she was a young teenager, she went to a summer camp in a different city a few states away. You might say it was her first real experience with not having a town full of gossipy people on her back. She had told me before that she occasionally thought about moving to the other, larger, further away town, but she was thinking it may just be exactly because it was her first experience being on her own. She decided to take an internship there, to "find out" what those feelings meant. Sounded fair enough.However, now she's told me that she's discovered that it wasn't just childhood feelings and that it's "definitely" the place she wants to live. In turn, she's said it has caused her to develop a dislike for where we live now, because she's comparing the two and focusing on what the other city has that we don't. She comes back in a couple weeks to start classes again, but it feels like she's doing it begrudgingly. She said when she gets back we need to have a discussion about the situation. I'm always open for an honest discussion, but it just feels like she's already made this decision based on emotion and I wonder if there's even a point to a "discussion"... "It's not you, I do love you, and I really want to be with you, but I've just realized that I can't stand it there," she says. "I think I only liked it there because I didn't know any better. Now I do know better and I can't stand the thought of being there much longer than I have to. I just wish you weren't stuck so tight that you can't come with."What's bothering me is that she has no career prospects there, no family, only a couple of not-so-close friends she made at work, etc. This decision of hers seems purely emotional with little to no practical thought. Admittedly, she doesn't have much to lose - her family is very naggy and clingy and also judgmental and most of her friends have moved away. On the other hand, I do have a good family, friends, activities, and I'm even lucky enough to own a house. Also, we do have career prospects here - both of us. I'm afraid that this emotional decision is going to cause her to reject career opportunities where we live now, and that she'll end up expecting me to do the same to move with her. I think it's fair to wait till she gets back and see what happens, and part of me is just hoping this is an in-the-moment feeling that may pass once we actually start our careers (assuming she even accepts jobs locally), but another part of me is worried that she's acting purely emotionally with little regard to her future, our future, or our relationship...Thoughts and advice? Thanks...
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2015): OP reply
It's fair to ask that I check out the town she's talking about - and I intend to, if she is still interested in us visiting there during Christmas break. However, my issue isn't that I don't want to move, it's that I have serious job opportunities here that in a way would be foolish to give up. She, on the other hand, doesn't have any opportunities at all in the other town, but she does here. I'd be totally fine with it being a "when and if it works out we move" thing, but that's not what she's saying. If she's that adamant on moving, she might, say, reject job opportunities she already has here. Do I give up what I have and go into a situation where NEITHER of us has anything in terms of stability?
Maybe I am being selfish. Maybe I am not putting her needs into consideration. On the other hand, it just seems like there's little logic in her idea...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2015): you are expressing your feelings about her liking for another town but i wonder if you have actually ever visited it yourself as you have nothing much to say about it..is it lively, or pretty or full of clean air and young people? Surely you should have made the effort to visit so whilst lacking this information i feel you have closed your mind to it and just decided that she is making an emotional and irrational decision.You are fortunate enough to own your own home but you sound a little controlling as if you expect your girlfriend to slot into what you want her to be and frankly you seem to be rather smugly looking down on her background.Why would a man not even visit the town but just write to express their concern and distaste in this way..
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