A
female
 ,
*isztoria
writes:I met a hot guy four years ago on vacation. He was 21 and I was 25 and we lived states away from each other so we decided to hook up during our respective vacations. We knew the distance would mean we couldn't be together so it was supposed to end there. We exchanged numbers and kept in touch over the years. A year later he moved to CO (I'm in NJ) and he now had a girlfriend. I was happy for him and we continued to talk via different social media platforms. A year ago, he messaged me to tell me he had just broken up with her an hour prior to reaching out to me, after two years together and told me he "thought about me all the time" and I was "the most beautiful woman he'd ever known." Now I'm a skeptical single mother, I was 28 by this time with a slew of bad relationships behind me, so I didn't think much of it. He had said he wanted to come out to NJ to see me, but knowing he just came out of a relationship, I said I was busy with grad school, which was true. We still talked, but I didn't entertain him coming out to see me because I figured it would be a sex-cation and I wasn't mentally in the head space to have a purely physical relationship.Fast forward to my graduation party that happened 3 weeks ago (now it's been 4 years that we've known each other). He was in MD where his family lives so I drove down to see him because it was only a couple hours from where I live. He ended up coming back with me to attend my graduation party as my date. Now I had never seen him as a romantic partner, especially when we first met. I was always just physically attracted to him and that was it, but after spending four days with him at my house, I started to feel a closeness to him and feelings I've never had for anyone before surfaced. He was kind, attentive and loving toward me. He catered to my every need by helping with the party, making sure I was grounded (a friend of mine let me down by not having my decorations ready for the party) and just being a supportive ear that listened to what I needed. He would reach out and massage me, hold me and kiss me when I needed comfort. My coworkers, bosses, family and friends all loved him and told me how happy we looked together and if I was going to try and pursue a relationship with him.Now I've been single for 8 years and had dated guys that didn't treat me well so this was different for me. The problem is I suffer from co-dependency issues so I can easily mistake good intentions for romantic affection and I romanticize situations easily. His actions screamed romantic to me, but some things he said gave me pause. For instance, he said he was still somewhat distraught from his previous relationship because it was so toxic. He also mentioned having a crush on some girl back home that had a boyfriend. Now this was all said as we were in bed talking for hours. This became something we did over the 4 nights together. We did discuss him staying at my house longer because we were enjoying each other's company, but I had to get back to work, finish school and of course, raise my son and not play house. So we extended his flight one more day, but it only made things harder. We were intimate the first 3 nights, but not the last because we stayed up and talked about whether we could make things work. Again, I didn't know what to do because of my codependency issues so I basically made the decision for him to go home. Lastly, we had planned a trip prior to him coming to my grad party to go to the Bahamas, which is booked and paid for. My question is, what the heck am I doing? Do I give this a try or do I continue just being friends with benefits with him? He's 26 and I'll be 30 the day of the cruise. I feel like my life is on a completely different track than his. He works seasonal jobs and is currently living out of his camper (he's basically a hippy, which I always found intriguing). I just finished my masters, I own a house and have a ten year old. I have feelings for him now, which we explored, but I didn't think he'd be happy living my regimented lifestyle when he's use to being free to do as he pleases. I'm so confused and I'm worried my feelings will only grow stronger once we go away on vacation together. We've been emailing back and forth since he left and he asks how my son is doing and we share helpful information with each other from podcasts on optimal living. I've been working on my codependency issues by not dating and working on myself. I go to sex and love addiction and codependency meetings, but I can't pose this question there because the first thing everyone does is denounce my feelings because I'm a codependent so no matter what I talk about, it's about me being alone right now to work on my issues. So any advice from here will help me see my situation more objectively. Thanks!
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male
reader, Indiglorex +, writes (28 May 2019):
I think you answered your own question on the last paragraph.
You two are on very different paths. Your life is also pretty stable right now, you have a house and a son to take care of. He's living an "in the moment" kind of lifestyle that I don't think would be very compatible with yours in the long term. I feel you would be the one doing all the financial work to support the family.
If you want to keep him around for physical comfort, that's fine. But I do think if you keep seeing him for longer periods of time it's eventually going to hurt you more than make you happy because I honestly think you know that there isn't any real future here except eventual heartache.
Trust yourself on this one.
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