A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Ealier today my girlfriend and I took our daughters swimming. One of the girls is mine, one hers. Things have been confusing to me because a couple of months ago we broke up (we were engaged) and she moved out. We got back together, but do not live together. I was excited to see her as I haven't in a couple of weeks due to work schedules and that we live about thirty miles apart. Anyway, when I got there she didn't seem particularly excited and that didn't change all afternoon. We spent a couple of hours at the pool with the girls, grabbed some food, and headed back to her place. On the way, she made a comment about how she was gaining weight. She's like 125 lbs and looks great and I told her (I know she knows she's hot, she has always been like this). Anyway, I made a comment regarding that it sucks that I am got sunburnt on my back. She said, "I didn't notice," and I asked her how could she not, afterall it is RED and I was with her without a shirt for like two hours. She said something along the lines of, "Was I suppose to be looking?" Shortly after, I mentioned that I was down to 220 lbs (I'm 6'5") because I was seeing if she was even going to complement how lean I have gotten since, for over a month now, I have been running 5-8 miles everyother day on top of my other workouts. She ignored me. I know that may come across conceited, but I was looking for any type of kind or nice comment from her because she seemed so disinterested. Finally at her house, I sat on one couch then she sat on another while the kids were playing. We both had gotten up to check on the girls in the other room and when we returned I sat on the couch she originally sat on then she sat on the chair. Before I even came over I assummed we would end up having sex after we got back to her house and the kids fell asleep,being that we haden't even seen each other in a while, but we didn't even kiss once today. Yet she still told me she loves me multiple times today on the phone before I even came, but the whole time I was there she seemed indifferent. With all the strange behavior from her these past couple months I don't know what to think. Should I just end it for good and move on? Why is she being this way? I know if I ask her she will just say that either she is tired (which she was, but come on) or that nothing is wrong. I am confused again, and tired of it. I get hit on/flirted with often and even have the wife of a friend offering to hook me up with a girl she knows that she thinks I would like because everyone I know that has met my current girl thinks she treats me badly and doesn't understand why I ever got involved. But I truly do love my girlfriend, I am worried that I am the only one in the relationship that really feels this way. Advice is greatly appreciated, especially on why she was ignoring me so much.
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female
reader, noonespecial2  +, writes (2 July 2009):
Firstly, why did you break up?
Not being particularly excited could be a range of things. It could be nerves, some unfinished business on her mind about your relationship. She could also be wary about getting hurt again. I don't think it's useful to jump to conclusions as they may be so far from the truth.
In regards to her comment of how she is gaining weight, some women have the wrong perspective about their size and feel very unattractive when they have gained weight. It doesn't matter how they look or what people say, if they are unahppy about it and feel unattractive that's how they feel.
When you said to her that "it sucks that I got sunburnt on my back", I wonder if she was feeling that you were blaming her for not making you aware.
Your comment about how you had lost weight and the expectation of a compliment, it can be hard to compliment someone when you're not feeling so good yourself particularly when you have gained weight.
The sitting on the couch thing could mean that she was wanting more of an emotional attachment, wanting to talk and facing someone on a different lounge can be a better position for this to happen. An emotional connection first is the key to some woman wanting loving from her mate. I just wished Men understood this. If some women are emotionally neglected that stops any loving feelings. If she is nurtured emotionally then look out...
She told you she loves you several times, has spent the day with you, this is an indicator that there is still some interest, she may just be being cautious.
I don't know if people can assume so quickly that she has no interest in you and is afraid to hurt you. If this is the case then she would not tell you she loves you and be with you, she would make excuses not to see you.
What I don't understand is why you don't ask her what's going on. Why you don't discuss with her how you are feeling. Why you don't clarify with her your confusion. She is the one who can give you clarity.
Are you telling her what your needs are? did you say to her, I want you to sit near me, I was hoping we'd make love, I am excited to see you, I want us to work, what can we do to make things work? I want you? these are the things I love about you and these are the reasons I want to be in a relationship with you... Did you say that you are feeling that she is being distant and would she like to talk about that?
Please don't assume the worst. When people are having trouble in their relationship, they can be sensitive and read things into someone's behaviour and sadly they can be so wrong and it may actually be quite the opposite to what is really going on.
I would say that the strange behaviour means that something is going on with her, talk to her, find out what's going on. If you were about to be engaged aren't you suppose to be mates too. She may need your support and understanding.
You don't know what to think because you're not communicating with her and asking her.
No, I don't think you should just end it, find out what's going on. From what you write there has been no major betrayals. I think this could be too risky to just end it because of the subtle things that you may be placing incorrect interpretations on.
Only she can tell you why she is being this way.
If you do ask her and she says she is tired, then tell her how you feel. You feel neglected, confused, needing to understand, that you'd like more contact, you'd like to be closer to her or whatever it is that you are feeling. If you start the conversation by expressing your feelings, concerns and fears, it will make her feel safer and more comfortable to open up to you.
Why do other people in your life think she treats you so badly?
Feeling ignored is not nice and needs to be bought to her attention.
It sounds to me that both of you still have feelings for each other but are trying to sus each other out. Possibly both fearful of rejection and being hurt again.
Communication is the best tool when there is confusion. You obviously care for her and I wonder if you are assuming the worst. If you're not, and she is feeling sorry for you or is having doubts, communication will resolve it either way. If she tells you she doesn't want to see you anymore, then the confusion is over, you know where you stand and can get direction again.
If you end it with this confusion without communication you may always be wondering.
Rejection isn't that bad, to risk being rejected and to be vulnerable and tell her what she means to you and what you hope for in the relationship could just be the thing that breaks your relationship through to a closer level. I know you said that you feel that you are the only one in the relationship that has love, please don't let your fear of this stop you from telling her that. You may be so far off the mark and telling her this is vital. She may be feeling the same way and feel so overjoyed to hear this from you. She may be feeling as you do, that she loves you more than you love her? You won't know until you discuss it. If she doesn't love you the same back, at least you will know, and the courage you would have displayed in telling her your true feelings although will make you feel vulnerable, will leave you with a feeling of strength and power too as you have been true to yourself.
I hope this has helped and would be keen to hear how you go.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009): Having been in a similar situation I can tell you that she does not love you but does not want to tell you because she does not want to hurt you. I think some people have a problem being honest with themselves and others. If I were you I would just go away and leave her be. Whatever her problem is only bringing you down and life is too short for these crazy little mind games. I wish you the best of luck, but I know what I am telling you.
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A
female
reader, Renee okc +, writes (2 July 2009):
you need to move on she is basically ingnoring you period she didnt even comment on how good it was to see you after all that time. You need to stop exposing your daughter to this women if you ask me she probably realizes that you are a great guy and would prefer to stay with you and doesnt want anyone have you i would just cut my loses if she cant even bother to pay attention you can do better there are plenty of nice women of all races looking for a great guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009): You need to sit down and tell her how you feel instead of fishing around for compliments. My goodness you were engaged to be married is this the reason that things didnt work out forst time around? A total lack of communication?
It seems that there is a total lack of passion on her behalf. You need to tell her that even though she says she loves you actions speak louder than words.
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