A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 30 years old and I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He says he wants us to be together forever, but he is an anti-establishment type and he doesn't care about having a marriage. He feels that we are in love and we will be together forever and we don't need the government to sanction our relationship.I really want to get married. He knows this and has decided that he will do it since I want him to. However, ith as been a year now and there has been no proposal. We talk about it all the time and now he has finally agreed to ask me within the next month. He also now says that he really wants to do it. The problem is that since we have talked about it and fought about it so many times, and because he knows I will not stay with someone who won't marry me, I am afraid that he is just asking me because I am giving him an ultimatum. Basically I am forcing him to either marry me or lose me.I ddon't feel bad about wanting a marriage - this is something that is really important to me and I don't think wanting a family is wrong. But I am afraid that even though we are so in love, it is wrong to stay with someone and force him to marry me. He begs me not to break up with him, but I am afraid that it is the write thing to do rather than force him to marry me. We love each other very very much and we go perfectly together except for this one issue.What do you think I should do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2008): There is a lot of wonderful advice below, and I have found it helpful to read myself, as I face this same situation.
I am a 24 year old girl having the same thoughts as you. I am young, and some might say too young to be thinking about marriage, but I have to think about it.
My boyfriend of almost 6 years, like yours, does not really see marriage as importnat - more as an expencive piece of paper. I on the other hand have always dreamt about marrying the right man, and living a long and happy marriage. I too feel like I am pressuring him. But I have backed off a wee bit over the past few months to try to let him really make up his own mind, without my input or influence. This has helped greatly. He has now started to think about it from his own point of views, and can also now understand mine.
I too have often wondered if I could stay with him and not get married. To be completely honest, I don't think I could for life. I would always feel that little bit unforfilled. I love him to bits, as he does me. He wants children in a few years but now understands how strongly I feel about having kids and not being married. I'm not against it at all, but my heart would not be settled if I was not married myself when I had a family.
I guess my advice is to just hang in there. He sounds like he is definately worth living your life with, and trying to work through this with. Try to make him understand your true values, and the true reasons why you believe in marriage. Then give him time to process his thoughts. If he is anything like my man, he may still not be jumping at the chance to marry. But in time, it may become something that he wants too. He may see that is makes you unhappy, and this may be something he wants to change.
Best of luck. It is such a tricky situation. My guy is 10 years older than me so it's not an age thing. I still don't know what I will do in my situation, but I think the advice from these other readers is pretty darn good.
Wishing you much happiness, what ever path you choose.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2008): Smiles brought up a very good point. I'm not really sure of the laws in the USA and they do vary by state, but I think that you could end up in a situation like she did.
My wife once brought up marriage many years ago when we were living together and I remember that I was not ready for that. She never brought it up again. I just asked her about it and, although she doesn't remember her feelings such a long time ago, she remembers that getting married wasn't that important to her, as she was happy with our arrangement. The reason that we decided to get married was because we made a life decision that would have left her without health insurance. We didn't feel any different after the marriage than before the marriage. Since neither one of us wanted children, we saw no real reason to get married, as our income taxes were considerably lower being single.
You said, “I really want to get married. He knows this and has decided that he will do it since I want him to. However, ith as been a year now and there has been no proposal.”
If my wife and I recall correctly, there was no formal proposal from me. We just decided what we were going to do in a series of conversations. Not exactly romantic, but it worked fine for us. After all, we were already living together and acting no differently than if we were husband and wife except for keeping separate bank accounts.
Pressuring someone into marriage is a recipe for failure in my opinion. At least one of the partners will probably end up feeling that they were put into a situation against their wishes. At some point in time it will rear it’s ugly head and end up as a problem. You say that you have already fought about marriage. That doesn’t sound like a good start for a happy marriage. Since you have different views on marriage, do you also have different views on having children? Do you both want children or neither of you want children? Have you ever discussed that?
Giving a person an ultimatum is not a good idea. My wife gave me an ultimatum related to our relationship continuing a few months after we started dating and I adhered to that ultimatum for many years and it caused a problem for me at times over the years and a great problem for both of us for many months over the past year or so. Ultimatums are rarely without problems. Coming together on a compromise that both people are happy with is the only solution that will work over a long time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): Dear Poster
I want to share something very personal with you and maybe you can use my experience to your advantage; maybe you can tell him about what I am about to share with you and use that as an example.
I was living with a guy for nearly 6 years; we were very happy; we were soul mates; our relationship was great in all aspects; we were married to each other not by "law" but by mental commitment and the bond between us was very strong; neither of us felt insecure and there was no urgency to legalize our "common law" marriage. We often spoke about it, but due to work and busy lifestyle; I suppose it was just not an urgency to either of us; we travelled lots and once, on the spur of the moment whilst visiting a town, in some tiny chapel without any witnesses we did our vows to each other; that was "magical" and I remember those vows to this day; however, we were together and probably still would have been, but he had a car accident on his way home one night and was killed instantly.
It was very traumatic for me and it was as if my life came to a grinding halt, but the worst nightmare was the winding up of his Estate; because we were not LEGALLY married the was so many complications and the family (although so loving and kind whilst he was a life) caused so many problems; we had a house together and there was even disputes about the furniture and household contents; That my dear poster is the one thing not you or anybody needs in life; when you are suffering the loss of your partner and can barely cope with your hurt, to still get have to deal with disputes of properties and personal stuff; no, believe me, it is HORRIBLE; Yes, if I knew what troubles and problems there would have been, I would have made sure we got married; but I did not think of "death"; I did not prepare for that to happen.
I hope this will help you to explain to your guy that to legalize your BOND is merely a formality but it can save both of you lots of problems should anything happen to either of you; and lets face it....life is not in our hands.
Hope this can be of assistance to you.
Best wishes, keep me posted and let me know when is the BIG DAY.
Lots of hugs and SMILES.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (9 October 2008):
 I was with a man for almost 20 years and from day one he had always said how he didn't feel that marriage was right for him, I was from a very traditional family. My mum and dad ended up being married for almost 55 years until my dad passed away but there was always a strong pro marriage feeling from my family.
On the other hand his parents had divorced when he was a teenager and I think this did affect him deeply, even though he said it hadn't.
There are some people who believe in marriage and others who don't - why don't you take your foot of the gas and tell him that the last thing you want to do is to force him into a marriage that he will always resent you for. Tell him that you want a family and for you marriage bonds you to that believe but you are not going to push him into a decision and a timescale, it really is up to him now. Try to put the control back into his hands and don't pressure him on the subject anymore. Just give it a few months and see how things go, if he does propose and you decide to marry then fine but don't swamp him with a huge wedding that will freak him out, tell him you want to keep things simple and anything he feels would be good on the day is good for you to.
Men I believe need to feel like they are the ones who are the surprise proposers and not the fact that their girlfriend is putting on the pressure due to the time you have been in a relationship together.
If on the other hand a few months pass and you do not feel like you can sit around and wait any longer then you need to cut the ties and walk away. It would only carry on in this vane for maybe years to come and if you cannot live with a man who is not married to you and you do not want children out of wedlock then decide what is truly important to you and follow your heart no matter what the consequences are as it is not fair to either of you.
Keep us posted eh!
Take care.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): Yes you may be pushing him a bit but you gave him a choice, and he decided to keep you by saying yes. If your feeling guilty, ask him if he's really ready to get married too you and if deep down he wants to spend his life with you. If a guy really loves you, marriage will come up in the relationship. Your both at that age now, it's been four years. My parents waited 2 before they got married.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): Wow.. can I relate to this! Its tough, isn't it? I have been dating the same man for almost 7 years now, after 6 years of long distance, we are living together, and our relationship is fantastic, until the "M" word comes up. We're not young, we're both in our 40's, both been married, and divorced. I really want to get married, and even though he says he does, I don't think he really does. Didn't work out the first time, and I'm not sure he wants to try again. I really want to be married! I think as women, we just want to feel secure, you know? I'm not sure how to advise you exactly, but I think if you truly feel you are forcing him, don't do it. Its just going to cause possible hard feelings/fights later on. From my own experience, I have just given up. I love him,and I can't imagine life without him, but I just don't ever expect to marry him. I guess it comes down to this: Do you love him enough to stay with him and accept that he maybe really doesn't want to marry? Or do you want to be married so much that perhaps you want to look elsewhere? Men are so strange, and when you force them into something, they might do it..but they never forget it. This is what my guy says happened to him his first marriage, he knew he was financially stable, but he really wasn't ready, but his whole family, friends, girlfriend sort of "pushed" him into it. He was 29. So that's what I am dealing with. He didn't want to do it the first time, and now I think he REALLY doesn't want to do it! I hope this gives you a little insight? Search your heart. Good luck.
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