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female
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anonymous
writes: i was with someone for over 3 years and he was my first serious boyfriend, the first guy i loved, first guy i was with. And he was about 9 years older too.I know he loved me. But i think i was young with some things didn't know how to be in a relationship or when to let things go and realize its not a big deal. I think i was a bit too controlling and picked stupid fights. And now i regret it more than ever. He tried to it end once or twice before and i think me telling him but we can compromise on this or do this and it changed his mind b/c he knew i really loved himOne night we had a silly spat and he broke it off that night on the phone and i was very upset. He said he doesn't want to focus on anyone else right now and that he is tired...(probably from driving to see me on the weekends, stupid arguments etc) I told him i love him so much and it will be better. He didn't change his mind. I wrote him a text the next day apologizing for my actions and said i just felt sad and that maybe the trip he would be taking soon will be good for you and afterwards things will be a lot better.He didn't respond. 2 days later i write to him the things i wish i would have did and regrets i had and that im sorry for making him feel this way etc etc etcHe wrote back saying i don't have anything to be sorry about and that he just isn't happy and can't even explain really. And that he is sorry and just can't keep continue doing this. He wrote he wishes we can still talk even if we are not together. I wrote back saying i wish we can figure something out to make you happier together. It will be too hard to talk to you as a friend. I drove you away and i regret it.He wrote he doesnt think i drove him away and i have a right to feel how i feel and want what i want and so does he but they are just not the same things right now and he wrote he needs to make himself happy before he can make me happy.I feel like all this just equals: I am tired of you.I called saying i hate how this was done over the phone and through messages and i would like to speak to get closure. He texts me saying i got your v-mail before but i am just not up for talking right now. But we will. Im sorry. And he never did anything....My friends and family said he could have communicated with you better in the past rather than jumping to end it. He could have sat you down and said this and this needs to be changed ASAP or else there won't be a relationship to save. It really bothers me and its making me not want to be here and i won't be able to if it continues and then ask if there is something he can be doing for me. They said he had to have had some faults and some things he did or didn't do making you feel a little insecure.It turns out my ex called my friends boyfriend the night before he was leaving for the trip trip(we broke up before i knew specifically the date he was leaving) This happened towards the end of JulyMy ex met my girlfriend and her b/f a few times only...the boyfriend asked for my b/f's number. My friend's boyfriend called him a few times for us to get together etc etc while we were still together..My b/f never called him..he was usually like that with a lot of people--just letting them call him.My boyfriend went on a 2 week trip with a few people..it was a bike trip which i was not so happy about...he spoke to my friend's boyfriend and started talking to him about the trip and that he is leaving this weekend but two guys backed out, its only going to be me and one other guy. The boyfriend never mentioned me and didn't bring me up once...My ex finally said so how is my friend? And the boyfriend said, well his g/f doesn't really tell him everything thats going on with this and then my friend said she's ok..So the boyfriend said she is alright on the phone. After a minute or two they hung up and my friend called me to let me know what happenedshe thought it was a sign of him wanting to get back together but nothing happened afterwards and most people around me thought it was a really weird thing for him to do if he was totally done and meanwhile he never called this person to talk ever so it was obvious he called about me. I truly felt he was reaching out to me without having to reach out to me directly and maybe i should have done something a week or two later...apart of me thinks maybe if he tries to come back on his own---he will just think i can do the same things again.I finally broke down a few days ago..and i texted him saying even though you been missed, i understand you want it over. So and so can pick up my things sometime(in 4 months he never contacted me about it or gave them back)..and he did write back saying you have been missed too and i know i did it but its hard to believe it ended so sharply. And then he did mention my things and how he e-mailed himself photos of me from my old phone to keep and he would return the phone as well. He also hoped things were good for meI didn't respond and the next day i broke down saying the truth--i wrote things are ok but i still love you and know the things that got in the way could have been easily fixed and avoided...he wrote back saying he waited a long time for things to change with me and with him. He said It got to the point that he was wasting my time---which i felt is a saying---its not you, its me but i also felt like he may have been trying to feel me out...I wrote him back basically saying--i know we had talks here and there about it but i think if we had sat down face to face and had a discussion of what had to be changed immediately to save the relationship things would have been different. I also wrote i know certain actions i did drove you to your breaking and i recognize my mistakes etc etc etc and i wrote i still love you....he didn't respond...2 days later i wanted to just have him say to me --this is goodbye---so i wrote i couldn't let you completely go without letting u know the truth about this time apart and did you not respond because you are sure you want to say goodbye?he wrote back saying i don't want to start over, have everything good for a few months and then everything starts changing and go through this all over again. And then he mentioned he is transfering to a job title that will require him to work alot of overtime everyday and he won't have time. He also wrote he doesnt know the last time he went out (maybe he feels a little guilty and wants me to know he isn't partying?) He also wrote this can't be a switch that is just turned on and off.I did push and i wrote saying don't you think time apart has made me view things alot differently? And he said he doesnt know if it has or hasnt but he just wants to work right now and he basically said he can't right now. I'm sorry.I then wrote my goodbye message saying ok. I do truly love you and know it would have been different this time around and i hoped you would have seen me as worth it and believed me. I guess you have let me go and moved on and I guess you are telling me i need to do the same. I also said i have to change my mind about getting my things back. I told him its too difficult and to throw it away or give it away.He writes back an hour later saying "I know you are worth it and its not a matter of being over you or moving on. I'm just not ready to start doing this all over again. Not to mention this is very unexpected. We dont say 2 words to each other for months and then we're supposed to just forget everything and start over. He then mentioned my things being at his place and how he isn't going to throw them away or give them away and that its mine and there is no reason for me to leave it.I feel like he is very confusing....i wrote goodbye to him saying i guess you let go, you moved and i need to do the same and he writes back that is not the case in so many words....he didn't need to reply if i was saying goodbye and he was just totally done---that could have been it..he could have left it at that....and i feel like he is confusing me by saying its not a matter of being over me, he just isn't ready to start over and this is unexpected to him after months of not speakingi don't know what to do? I'm not contacting him again because i have no reason too, i told him the honest truth about recognizing what went wrong and that after this time passing i still love him.......a bigger part believes he isn't over me and maybe he was being sincere and i know i need to let go a little...but is it completely pathetic to think that maybe now he will see 4 months apart has made me recognize alot of things that shouldnt have happened and i have grown from this experience?i wrote him back saying i understand what you are saying about not speaking for months and you are right but i didnt know how else to go about this and time kept passing. It took a lot for me to write the words i wrote but i meant every word and i hoped we would be able to discuss things, learn from mistakes made and start over because we loved each other...i know i have grown in different ways since this happened. I do think you know in your heart you have meant everything to me and still do. You wrote its not a matter of you moving on and i havent moved on--i wish there was a way for u to believe me that things can be different and more grown up. I really can't accept my things back. Its too hard..I know a few months have gone by but i told him the whole truth before walking away and i am hoping he is being sincere saying he just isn't ready and that he isn't over me...i know i need to let go a little and i am hoping maybe he just needs a little time to consider this and we can start over...is this pathetic?...i felt he was contradicting himself b/c i just said it flat out--i guess you have let go, you have moved on and you are telling me to do the same...he could have simply said i'm sorry after that and i would have known ok, thats the case..or better yet---not reply at all.....but its almost like that sort of bothered him alittle with me just saying ok, i guess its time to move on......and he writes that isn't the case, and this is unexpected after months of not speaking but then he mentions my things and how he isn't going to throw it and its mine and there is no reason to leave itMaybe its good i told him the whole truth and let it out that i still genuinly love him even after this time apart.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2008): I read your long- post and I can tell you that I did something very similar with my ex-girlfriend not too long ago. She actually broke up with me about 4-5 months ago saying that we were incapatible and that she needed to figure out her life before we could continue. Bear in mind no one cheated, we didn't fight too often, nothing god-awful happened but I think we just started fading. I think there were things that we both could have done to make the relationship work. Sometimes you take the relationship for granted and let little things go unnoticed. I think we both thought this but I was the only one willing to speak up and mention these things. I tried all sorts of things for 2-3 months to win back her heart. I had a whole outline of things we could do differently and drew up a new list of activiites, restaurants, etc. but in the end, she was changing her mind. It was quite difficult to accept that I was willing to fight for her as much as I was and she was barely responding. It hurts to love someone as much as I loved her and have her not reciprocate or put in as much effort as myself. In the end, after numerous conversations with friends and family, I decided that it just wasn't worth it. I'm still proud of myself for fighting for her as much as I did because otherwise I would have regretted it my entire life. I know love is never easy but it shouldn't always be one person fighting for it and having the other person just casually ignoring you and moving on with their life. It's a difficult process and I'm still getting over it. Not easy but at the end of the day, you'll find that special someone who is willing to fight for you as much as you fought for him. Hang in there...
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