A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, first time posting.Umm.. I do not know where to begin, but I'll try.About a month and a half ago, I met a girl, I knew she was interested in me, but was not sure if she was committed to a relationship. I went on multiple dates with her, everything was going fine. We now are officially together for 3 weeks. But there is a problem.My girlfriend has had a sexual partner before me. I do not. This guy was much older than her, and my friends and I think he used her just for the sex. She doesn't believe this. Well, a couple of days ago, me and girlfriend were out, having a couple of drinks, when her previous sexual partner came in. We didn't see him at first, but when we were about to leave, I, and my girlfriend spotted him. I immediately started getting very aggressive, adrenaline pounding, I felt like I had to break his bones. She asked me if she could say hi. I told her she could. I said yes because I do not want to control her. I have learned from my friends that this could be a killer for a relationship. I left the place, while she stayed inside talking to the guy. I was furious, I wanted to barge in and smash his head in. I controlled myself. My friend, who was inebriated went in, grabbed her and said she had to leave. The guy who she was talking with knew that something was going on, and told her it was fine if she left. During this time I was at a different place. My friend called me, and I met up with him and her. She said she didn't like it that I was controlling. But she also told me she understood my situation. I told her I was sorry and that my friend was drunk and shouldn't have done that. It truly wasn't what I wanted to happen. She then proceeded to say she was going to leave anyway. This was not true, because when my friend asked her if she wanted to leave she said no. She really disliked the fact that I did not want her to talk to the guy. I told her that I don't like if she does it, but I won't do anything if she does it again. I told her I'll respect her privacy and told her sorry for what had happened. In reality I was not sorry at all, I actually wanted to break this guy's face and get angry at my girlfriend as well. This guy was fooling around with her for about 10 months, and I just can't stand the fact that they had sex. I get this image in my head and I go crazy. How do I solve this problem? Was I right in doing what I did? Should I have approached it differently? Should I have let her talk with him? How would I do this in the future?Thank you.
View related questions:
drunk, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2012): I don't think it's normal to be feeling so much hate and aggression toward your significant other's previous partners. I mean, it's not like she cheated on you with him. when she slept with him she didn't even know you, you were not even in the picture. She was a fully willing participant in their relationship. You and your friends think he just used her for the sex. But how do you know? Do you know him personally? Were you around at the time? this guy has done nothing wrong. What right do you have to want to become violent towards him? He has done you no harm and it seems your girlfriend still wants to talk to him so she obviously doesn't feel that he wronged her either.
I think you have a severe sense of insecurity here, your imagination is running wild and your ego feels extremely threatened hence your aggression towards someone who has done no wrong.
I would suggest you seek professional help. Giving vent to such aggression is obviously going to be destructive and inappropriate. But suppressing it and bottling it up wont' make it go away either just make you a ticking time bomb. You need to somehow learn to defuse your excessive insecure jealous rages by changing your thought patterns.
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (17 June 2012):
 First of all, why are you analyzing her past relationships? She is with you now, don't analyze. Like I read on someone else's post, we all have a history. Some of us have short histories, some long. Regardless, you should leave the past in the past. And why in the world are you involving your friends in analyzing whether the last guy she slept with used her? That's not your business or the business of your friends. That's HER business. She has now seen a side of you that is not a positive one. You can't be trusted with intimate information about her, you can't be mature and courteous to her past acquaintances, and you have unrealistic expectations of human beings Remember SHE IS WITH YOU NOW. If you don't realize this soon and stop acting like a jerk, you might lose her. If you want to date someone without a past, then leave this girl alone and start looking for someone else.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2012): As an outsider I think the anger you felt was a bit excessive. Of course you don't want to bump into your parteners now ex but the anger in your post is extraorinary. The fact your friend GRABBED her is completley inapproapriate? He should not lay his hand on her that in itself is inappropriate although I completely understand he done it in your defence was not a reasonable way to do thongs, he should have said let's leave or something along those lines. I don't think you did anything wrong but I think you left through anger. She should have said "hi this is my new parnet 'your name' good to see you have a good night" and left it at that. I think she didn't think under the influence that way. But honestly I would forget about this one incident what are the chances of that happening again? I would explain you are hurt she did not introduce you she made it more uncomfortable than it had to be and next time you want her to introduce you and leave it at that. I know she would have felt awkward she could have behaved better but its done now. Don't stress yourself over it give her an explanation of what you expect. The anger is over the top maybe you should think of whether you need anger management or not only you know that.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 June 2012):
 Did you express your jealousy to your girlfriend to the extent of feeling violent? If she truly understood you she would have left the place with you and not talk to that guy. It's good that intellectually you know that controlling behavior is no good. You can be doing all the right things in your relationship and still your emotions would be a mess. Honestly I think you need to find a girl who would not cause jealousy and that much stress in your life. Your girlfriend would be talking to men every day. You can't blindfold her and keep her at home. I know that your girlfriend will absorb the stress from you as well. I have a colorful past as well and there is no way I would want to walk on eggshells around a jealous man like you.
You have to realize your feelings are more than jealousy. A lot of men have jealousy but most do not share your extreme level of it. The older guy used her but your girlfriend forgave him enough to be willing to talk to him. They are cool and could still act civil with each other. Which means what he did was not like murder or rape. He did what a lot of men do, lead a woman on so he could have sex. This is more common than you think. You have to stop your mind from thinking he is some kind of criminal. It's a free world. It's her choice to hope that it would have turned into a relationship. She is not some meek and mild sheep needing protection from the bigger predators. She used her free will to have sex with him and decided to stop when she couldn't wait for him anymore.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2012): She wasn't raped, was she?
I think you are focusing all your negative feelings on him instead of accepting your GF's part of what happened. She is not a sweet innocent thing, Im sure she fucked him very willingly. Maybe she regrets it now but that is not the same thing as being taken advantage of. If she let him use her then she was using herself too.
And now she is not fucking him anymore. She is fucking you.
...............................
|
