A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband had sex with a prostitute while on a business trip, and once he returned he confessed to me and said he is guity.However, I cannot come to terms with this yet. It's been 2 years, he has been avoiding going to business trips, but now he cannot avoid this time and has to go tomorrow. I am worried and concerned, and I can't seem to trust him. Even though he says he loves me and cares for me, I just can't seem to trust him anymore. I'm feeling insecure that he might just repeat this again and will never tell me. How can I ensure he doesn't do this again.How can I trust?
View related questions:
insecure, prostitute Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): "It was good that he at least admitted his guilt"...
I'm not sure I agree... if he only did this once and was remorseful and determined NOT to ever do it again, it may have been better than he'd never mentioned it and moved on. As it is, he went home, spilled his guts and wounded the very person that he's claiming to love more than anyone else.
This kind of confession can do a lot more harm than good. if, after realizing that he was a sleazeball for doing this, he'd confessed to someone else, and pledged never to do it, his relationship would be in tact and he could be actively enhancing his relationship.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): I travel a lot for business and I want to know where guys like this find the energy. By the time I'm finished with the last client, shop for food, make dinner, prepare for the next day's clients, go shopping for something for the kids, find something wonderful for the wife, ring the kids to kiss them goodnight, write a postcard to the wife then I am totally ready for sleep. If you travel a lot you've really got to get up early to get in an hour's exercise in or you lose your figure (which is also why I make dinner rather than buying it), so it's into bed by 10pm or so.
A few times each year I get in conversation with interesting, and perhaps initially interested, women. I simply mention the wife and kids in glowing terms and how much I miss being away from them near the start of the conversation and that sets correct boundaries and expectations for everyone concerned. Which hasn't stopped me having some wonderful conversations in hotels and making some lifelong women friends.
In my 20 years of travel-intensive work I've probably been seriously hit on four times by women that can't take a hint. The trick in that case is to remember as much as possible, let them down as gently as possible, and use the memories as fuel for fantasy (and when in the mood my wife likes to hear about these incidents, and use them as role play material for our sex life, and so ironically these encounters strengthen our relationship).
Before my wife came with me on a few trips she was rather concerned. And once in a while she still gets worried -- when that happens she will often have rough sex the night before I leave, making sure to mark me as hers with hickeys to the neck. I find this rather cute and loving. Some clients will comment on the bruises, but more as something to break the ice of formality than anything else.
We've tried phone sex with each other a few times, but we both find it impossible not to laugh. Your mileage my vary, I'm told it works.
As for your partner, you've got to decide. Is he a slimebag? Or is he a good bloke who fell off the wagon?
If he's a good bloke the loneliness was probably the cause of the behaviour and for short trips you should make sure he has a good book, etc. For longer trips getting interested in culture, photography and keeping a journal goes a long way to occupying the time and is done by a surprising number of people who travel a lot for work.
If you think he's a slimebag, well prostitutes aren't cheap so there will be a money trail a mile wide.
Internet porn is a lot cheaper is he feels he can't do without satisfaction, but too much of that has bad effects on a relationship as the view of sex of the pornographers is obsessed with showing power through degradation. So it's not recommended.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 Short of going with him, you might try giving him a chance to earn back the trust he tossed away. Just grit your teeth, hope for the best but plan for the worst. You may want to think about some "kinky" favors for when he gets home so in the future he'll know whats waiting for him at home is far better than any crack hoe has to offer.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 The bitter truth here is that you cannot learn to trust him, trust is something he should have been earning from you and if he has not done so already, now is the time to do so. He has a chance now to truly earn your trust by going on this business trip and abstaining from his sins this time. If he can do that and truthfully tell you that nothing happened, would he have earned your trust then?
It was good that he at least admitted his guilt. It shows that he at least takes responsibility but, has he truly shown you his devotion to you and his commitment to this marriage since then? If he has then, you have reason to have faith in him, that does not mean you have to force yourself to trust him, I think you will find that is impossible. Just look at this as the second chance for you both. Tell him that you love him and ask for honesty from him.
I hope that helps.
...............................
|
