A
female
age
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*entleartist
writes:Do I have to keep the lines of communication open if a man is autistic? Im involved with a younger male artist who is prone to depression and has been in abusive relationship. I had known him socially for a few months and after propsitioning me (I refused) he later expressed reservations about being in a relationship with me until we opened a 3rd bottle of wine! He still came round to see me (maybe for just sex?) (we dont live close)and was affectionate and jealous and then suddenly admitted there was someone else in his home town. I was so devatsated that eventually I demanded that he come and see me anyway when it appeared he was single again. I think Ive opened the door to being emtionally abused myself as right through this he has rarely initiated communication and can be quite abrupt Apalling behaviour that I shouldnt have gone along with but he did say he thought he was autistic and I can see many traits.Ive given him the benefit of the doubt, but feeling a lot less for him. I dont want to lower my self esteem by running after him but dont know if he is capable of maintaining even a friendship which I would like as Im a nurturing person. So, do I email/text/call or just wait and see, if he's not neurotypical?
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female
reader, gentleartist +, writes (30 January 2011):
gentleartist is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everybody for your contribtions, you have certainly agreed with my logical side and I think the emotional side may be able to follow it through. I expect Im emotionally immature too and although get a lot of male interest, rarely does any man show any real attraction. Even this guy said I was vulnerable, I think that I was also trying to prove that I'm not.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): The short and factual situation here; you are and have had sex with a man you are not in a relationship with, he lives quite aways away from you, can be abrupt, and only connects with you if and when you contact him.Whether he is Autistic or not, is not really important, as this is about YOU, you are asking the question, not him, and if you feel you being emotionally abused, then you probably are.Does this man really enrich your life, is an equal relationship ( NO) why do you continue with it, I suspect because you feel at your age, options are running out, but really is that any reason to stay in contact with some one who does not treat you as you should be treated? If you make yourself available to men/people who don't treat you well, you will constantly feel insecure, try to break this contact, find a man nearer to you, not easy I know, but giving in to 'making do, and excuses for this man's behaviour will only keep you lacking self-worth even longer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): This guy "THINKS" he has autism? Would he not know this to be a certainty by now? He is an adult and this is a condition one is born with and lives with one's entire life. Autism isn't something you THINK you have. It is a condition that affects every facet of your life and has a huge impact on you and those around you.I feel that he is making excuses to you. He had his fun and now he is not interested anymore. And after he gets what he wants from you, he says, oh, by the way, I think I have autism. I find it completely unacceptable that he is using autism to try and justify his bad behaviour and character flaws which have nothing to do with autism. Sorry to be so blunt but he is trying to get out of this "relationship" and he blamed his behaviour on autism.As a mother with a son who has autism, I can tell you that autistic people are loving and giving and feel for others. They do not have time for all of these complexities in relationships and they certainly are not capable of dwelling on them. They would not and could not go so far as to blame their behaviour on their condition. Doesn't happen that way. There is so much ignorance out there concerning autism and this is just another example. Yes, some people with autism have behaviour issues. But so do most typically functioning people. Most adults with autism are usually past their behaviours because they have had therapy and have learned to deal with them. It sounds like he is independent and able to live on his own. That says a lot right there. He is clearly a responsible adult who can take care of himself. Now that he had put himself in a position where he wants out, he has made a ridiculous excuse. I am curious. Did he tell you he "thought" he had autism before you slept together? Or did he suddenly have this revelation after you slept together? The answer should speak volumes. Either way, it is just an excuse. I am certain of that.People with autism are also very black and white. There is no middle ground. He does not seem this way. He is going out of his way to explain his actions. The fact he is able to do this tells me he does not have autism. My instinct is that he is perfectly typical.I am sure this is not what you wanted to hear but if he was interested in you, he would contact you. Never chase any man under any circumstances, especially in this case. He has not treated you well. It looks like he has used you. You also did say he is younger so I can see the allure he must have had on you as you are a little older than him and maybe feeling lonely? If he cared about you and respected you, he would not have had sex with you and then told you he had someone else. He would not have been so dishonest. He would not be making any excuses.I realize it is difficult and I do empathize because your feelings are involved and it is hard to shut them off. You probably care for him and are feeling hurt. Unfortunately, you are going to have to chalk this one up to a live and learn experience and move on. I dont' want to say leave the ball in his court because he isn't worth it anyway. Even if he did come back, he would just use you again and walk away. You cannot subject yourself to that kind of emotional torture. It would be like a never ending roller coaster ride, where you are up one day and down the next, and I am sure it would destroy you eventually.I would focus all my energy on myself right now. Try to heal yourself from this and distract yourself with things you enjoy doing. TAKE CARE of YOURSELF and let yourself heal. You have to be at a good place with yourself to attract the right type of a person. Remember this. Do not allow someone to use you. You have control over how others treat you. BE STRONG!Relationships that start off with a bottle of wine in my opinion don't have a good chance at being long lasting, anyway. But to use autism as an excuse is ridiculous and an incredible insult to anyone who is living with this debilitating and difficult disorder. If he was going to use autism as an excuse, maybe he should have researched it a lot more!!! Maybe then he would have realized what a fool he was making of himself.He is a selfish, insensitive and uncaring person and this has everything to do with WHO HE IS and nothing to do with autism.Sorry to be so harsh but this is the way I see it.
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A
female
reader, gentleartist +, writes (30 January 2011):
gentleartist is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry Hammyj cursor went over 1 star and I meant 5! I do know people on the spectrum so I am very aware of your last sentence, I dont want to judge him by NT standards. However I don't want to be used either. He always responds if I want to see him but has avoided 'dating'. He could just be narcisstic, an MCP but he does live life to a different drum beat. My instinct is to move away sexually (he says he's competitive in bed - he's not!) and try to maintain friendship as he is a very interesting and talented guy. He's only had 2 relationships before myself and the other woman, but tells me that women run after him. This makes me not want to go there, but I dont want to lose contact just because he doesn't know how to communicate.
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A
female
reader, hammyj  +, writes (30 January 2011):
People with Autism have feelings. But they find it difficult to show their feelings in a conventional manner like those of us who do not have autism. In addition, they are known to have impaired social interaction, mainly because they do not have the same understanding about how others feel and can find it very difficult to read emotions. So if he is, there is a chance that if you get involved you could experience some hurt as a result. But of course he may not be able to help it, and only if you can understand that and learn to cope with that and not take it to heart, should you get involved with him.
On the other hand he may be making excuses, perhaps he is not at all autistic. It might be worthwhile to do some research on autism and see if he identifies as having strong similarities to someone with autism.
I speak as someone who works with people with autism. They do have the ability to love and have feelings. Just be aware that they do it in a different way.
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