A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Me and my boyfriend have been going out for 2 yrs now and we are very happy however he gives me attention and stuff, he has a twin sister and they are both 20 turning 21 soon, so for 20 years they didnt have a younger sibling just the two of them, now their mother is pregnant after 21yrs and my bf loves babies like crazy I couldnt wait to have one with him but I got a lil bit jelous of the unborn baby because it seems when its born my bf won't be paying any attention to me whatsoever, he does not give me attention sometimes esp when he is out with his friends he rings me around 4am when I am dead asleep, when he is chilling with his mum he rings whenever he wants and sometimes he put his friends before me, and when I put my friends first before him he gets upset.He is so excited he can't wait, and was telling me how the baby is going to be so spoilt. Also if the mum didnt get pregnant now my child will be one she never had but I do not know if she is going to pay more attention to my child now, so I wanted to wait and have my own at 26 when their baby sibling is a little bit grown. Also I am worried that we are not going to to have proper time together when he is babysitting, he told me he wouldn't mind to do whatever to help his mum, I would want to help too only if they need me because I do not want to go there and suffocate them, they need time with their baby. So I was thinking I should get busy and stop worrying about it and him, and when the baby is born I will see how it goes if he acts like that, am not going to complain I will just act normal and do my thing, like I won't make him a priority in that time of my life and not ask for attention he wil realise on his own , I will tell him that we not spending tine together anymore when the worst comes, help me... Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, if the baby arrives and there is a change in our relationship I will try to talk to him on a positive note.I wouldn't want to be that girl who says choose your family or me.
A
female
reader, WeCanDoIt +, writes (27 April 2011):
 Have you tried talking to him about this. You could try explaining how you feel. But I would say how you are really excited to or something else positive. I always find that talking is the best way to resolve a situation. But picking the right time is always good as well. You don't want to bring it up when he is in a bad mood because it probably won't end well. I think it is a good idea to wait to have your baby. When the baby comes you could try spending time with the baby together, like you said you don't want to suffacate them but it would be nice to be there as well. Alternatively you could just see this as pratice for when you have a baby. Then when you have your baby it will the best cared for baby possible. I hope this helps! Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh my question wasn't clear it was about how do I cope if he doesn't give me attention at all cause of the new sibling?and ofcourse I wouldn't want to have a baby just to compete,cause I do not like sharing the same spotlight.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe've been wanting to have a baby sinces ages ago but only that we are not married yet, and not stable enough,we have to wait and make the right decision.Time will tell, I will jus help with his baby sibling and watch the baby grow, I think that will be good enough for me at the moment,cause having our own baby will be a much larger step to take especially when we have not experienced life.I mean me being cool and helpful with his family will show how much of a strong person I am. Thanks for the advise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): Good luck to you and your future family.
I have seen people have a baby as in an effort to heal a bad situation in their relationship....to bring a husband closer, get a husband more involved in their lives, or to cement the relationship. I've concluded that this doesn't work...It often makes an existing problem within the relationship even more pronounced.
It's big step becoming a mom and a huge responsibility. It's not one that I'm quite ready to make yet, but you seem to be more brave than me. Again, good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for that, me and my boyfriend had planned to have a baby at about 24or25, but yes I need to be stable to have one, after I graduate and have a job.I also thought being jelous destroys, am nolonger jelous believe me but I was when I first heard she was pregnant even though I was soo happy for them I even thought of going shopping for the baby that's how excited I was.I think I just have to focus on myself and my family more and not depend on his attention and will see how it will go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): You wrote your own gameplan at the end of the post...and it actually seemed like good advice, so I'm not sure where the question is.
OP, I could sympathize with your anxieties if you were your boyfriend's five year old sister, but you're his girlfriend. Does it sound at all a little paranoid to you that you're threatened by an unborn child?
He's known his family and his sisters his whole life, he's only known you for two years...frankly he should be emotionally invested in them and excited about the arrival of his new sibling. They should have some priority in his life.
I think people need different social circles to thrive, a partner/boyfriend/girlfriend is only one of those cirlces. Family makes another. Platonic friends make another. And if you found that he relied only on you, you might discover that it's actually a great burden to have to be somebody's "one and only". I can see two issues that might be going on:
1) Your expectations of your boyfriend's attention are too high
2) Your boyfriend has a double standard for what he's willing to give and what he expects in the way of attention.
The thing is that these are both discreet issues you CAN talk to your boyfriend about. For instance, you CAN have a conversation about him not calling you at 4am. You CAN have a conversation where you tell him you are entitled to spend time with your friends if he gets the same rights.
"so if the mum didnt get pregnant now my child will be one she never had but I do not know if she is going to pay more attention to my child now, so I wanted to wait and have my own at 26 when their baby sibling is a little bit grown. " You are getting way ahead of yourself. Reacting to your jealousy by planning a pregnancy is a terrible idea. Jealousy and a desire for attention are poor reasons to bring a child into the world. Plan your pregnancy when you know your life is stable and you'll be able to take care of it with or without your boyfriend...because at the end of the day, it's the child's life and well being that is at stake. Don't plan your child in expectation of getting your boyfriend or his mother's attention...plan it when you are sure you can be a great mother without it.
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