A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a boyfriend for 3 years now that both me and my family love. We've talked about marriage, we spend alot of time together, he's an overall amazing person. The problem is that I had a relationship "vacation relationship back home in Portugal with this guy for about 5 years off and on whenever I would visit. I was head over heals for this guy! The sex was amazing especially the passion. there are so much emotions there.I still think about this guy nearly every day. I even talked to him a few moths ago because I missed him so much and he wanted to come here to have a real relationship.i honestly don't know what to do anymore. My boyfriend is amazing and I don't know if I can ever be happy again because I'm so depressed with the situation for over a year now.I don't want to make the wrong choice. I know that if I was to go back to the other guy I would be depressed because I left my boyfriend for him. Sometimes I feel like I want to go visit him one more time behind my boyfriends back and just le everything out that I'm feeling. feeling like this has honestly made me just depressed and full of anxiety. My biyfriend and I barely have sex and I know its hurting him but I don't know why I can't feel that sexual desire for him anymore.I just want to fix this. How do I get over this guy? I feel like I will love him until i die but I don't think we could have a real relationship, and I know it would be my fault because I'm so confused.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010): to answer some of your questions.
vacation guy and I were over before I started dating my boyfriend. We would keep in touch when i came back from vacation but then I would stop calling because I wanted to move on.
My boyfriend knows about him, I told him one night that I still think about him and have "what ifs" in my mind.
like what if i cared that much because everytime we would see eachother it would be for 3 months at a time and there wasn't enough time for me to get sick of him, or for us to fight etc... what if its because I didn't have a chance in the relationship to not miss him because we would have too much time apart.
Vacation guy didn't use me, if he did it would make this easy and I could definately move on. I think I almost prefer that, because then there would be nothing else to think about. He wants to build a real relationship and I said no because I was scared. scared that it wouldn't work out. he has no family or friends here except for me and i would feel really guilty making him come here and it ends up not working out.
i agree that its wrong by just having these thoughts. it's so hard I try so hard not to think about him.
I love it in Portugal but i have been in Canada for 19 years, pretty much almost my whole life. moving back is not something I want to do.
It doesnt matter who I date and how strong the feelings are, he is always somewhere in the back of my mind.
Vacation guy is currently upset with me because i stopped taking his calls and I will not call him. he knows I have a boyfriend I am not playing anyone here. I have not cheated and even though I have had a thought or 2 I know that it will only make things much worse and my boyfriend is the last person who deserves that. I do love him but its the sex thats missing, and he's not doing anything wrong its just my mind is messed up right now I can't do it.
I want to stay with my boyfriend, I think he is good for me and he makes me happy but I need to get this other guy out of my mind.
If I never met my boyfriend i would have definately taken a risk by now just to see where the relationship would go.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what i can do to get him out of my mind? I can't even hear portuguese music and thats hard to do considering my backround. Little thins like that make it hard.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 January 2010):
The vacation fling guy has clearly used you, and I don't think really wants a relationship. Your boyfriend clearly isn't the right guy for you, because if he was you wouldn't feel this way. You would do fat better to drop them both and move on from both and focus on your own life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010): I know why you can't feel sexual desire for your boyfriend any more. Because all of your sexual energy is going to this vacation guy! How long ago was it you were last with this vacation-love? Have you been with him during the last 3 years (when you were with your boyfriend)? In that case how does your boyfriend feel about this other guy? Did you not tell him about him? Does the vacation-guy know about your boyfriend? Or are you playing them both? You can not have both men in your life, you are hurting your boyfriend, potentially leading this vacation-fling on (unless he's the one taking you for a ride), and then last and least you do hurt yourself. But you kinda put yourself into this position on your own! When starting a relationship you must always end all previous relationships first, that is the golden rule, or else you will always be torn. So decide, which one to drop, and which one to keep? And try to not make the same mistakes again. Be honest and true to the one you choose.
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