A
female
age
36-40,
*1sha
writes:Hi,I have been dating the most amazing man for just over a year. Our relationship has been good but frequently peppered with recurrent craziness by me. I checked his facebook and emails because I thought he might cheat (with no evidence and I didn't find anything), I gave him glandular fever which sent him into liver failure and I often get overly insecure that he will find another girl who is better than me.He is Egyptian Muslim (31 years old) and I am white 'Muslim' (26 years old, haven't converted fully but have intent and belief in Islam). We're at the stage where he knows he needs to tell his family about me so we can progress and get married. Anyway, to cut a long story short family is very important to him. He comes from an incredibly successful, stable, cohesive close-knit family with 4 siblings. My family is highly dysfunctional! I am adopted and very successful in my career and my brother who is 21 years older than me is a complete mess with lots of illegitimate children and no proper job or home. Yesterday I was at my boyfriend's house and my brother called me to tell me he had taken a whole host of drugs and wanted to know if they would show up on a random drugs test. I told him off and advised him that he would probably lose his job because of this. My mum then called me to try to pressure me to pay solely for a mortgage for my uncle who is soon to be homeless as a result of gambling all his savings away and losing everything and even being in debt. She hasn't even considered asking my brother because he 'has nothing and lots of children to support' and I earn a good wage with lots of savings.Anyway, my boyfriend overheard both of these conversations and questioned me directly about them. I explained them both to him as I thought it would be better than concealing the truth or lying. And he was incredibly upset for the entire rest of the day. He kept commenting on how dysfunctional my family are and how different they are to his family. He kept telling me that he has no idea how we will introduce them to his parents and told me that he was terrified that I might turn into my mother one day and act super crazy. He indicated that he thought I visited him frequently probably just to get away from my awful family. I was hurt and upset and wished I could erase it all. I wish I would have told them both that I couldn't talk yesterday! I told him that I don't want my family to be inolved in the upbringing of my children and that I feel that from my parents I have learnt 'how not to be a good parent'! This seemed to upset him even more!What can I do now? This is a disaster!! I want him to tell his mother so we can get married. Do you think he will ever actually do this or just string me along until he marries a suitable Egyptian Muslim girl that his parents choose for him?Many thanks,
View related questions:
debt, drugs, facebook, gambling, insecure, muslim Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (13 July 2010):
 Basically I think this man is incredibly lacking in respect towards you by blasting your family. You may think the would-be in-law's are crackers but to say that to your partner is just awful. You cannot help who you are related to. Sure they may not be perfect or anything near but at the end of the day they are family. My family are a bit potty by my own admission but my husband wouldn't bring that up as he would understand that would be hurtful. Your boyfriend sounds a bit selfish and thinking about himself. I don't think you trust him - you checked him on facebook, you are posting her etc. That lack of trust and fear of his reaction is no basis for going into a marriage. Marriage is about tolerance and mutual acceptance of each others shortcomings (including their family). I think you need to step back and not get carried away by the emotion of getting married. I don't think you should have to justify your family or yourself to him. If you do, the relationship is very wrong and gives him all the control and power to condemn you while you just sit back and feel bad for the failings of others such as your brother.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): I am wondering if you were raised Muslim or if you have chosen that religion in order to be with this man...the reason being that you two may be deeply incompatible based on culture clashes alone, and this may be a sign of that.The typical Christian would accept you crazy family and all, they may get frustrated with them and if you are both in agreement you just make the contact with them very limited and hold your ground on not financially supporting irresponsibility. As far as saying that you have learnt how not to be a good parent, I don't think you are being fair to yourself.Every person has to learn how to be a good parent and many mistakes are made along the way. What a child needs most is consistency, love from both parents and two parents who love each other. If you want to learn, start reading child rearing books, or take some parenting classes... I think plenty of people that were raised in more functional homes could stand to do the same, after all babies do not come with HOW TO manuals.
...............................
A
female
reader, ayokar  +, writes (13 July 2010):
 I don't think there is anything to worry about, if your man really loves u, he would accept u for who are. Love know no short comings.
...............................
|
