A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've known my fiance for 6 years we've been in a relationship for 2 and have 2 month old daughter together. Just recently he started speaking about his ex who is the mother of his other child. He says things like, she's a good actress, she just got a new car, im glad she is becoming a better mother. Now I wouldn't mind if it wasn't so excessive, on one occasion he started talking about her like its all his family fault why their not together to me it seems like he misses her and want her back. Then the day before they went to court he said I bet she dress up. I just wanna know if somebody see what im seeing or am I exaggerating.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 July 2014):
 Why are they going to court? I think as a rule exes who have to take one another to court could be safely said to have a less than good relationship.
"I'm glad she is becoming a better mother" doesn't mean "I want to be with her again," unless there is more to this story? It means, "thank goodness she's getting her act together so our child doesn't suffer as a result of her odd behavior."
"She's a good actress"? Does she act for a living? No? Then that means "She's good at pretending stuff she doesn't really mean."
"She just got a new car" would mean that she just got a new car.
Is that why they are back in court? She's going after him for more money?
"I bet she dress up" would suggest that she normally doesn't dress up. Don't most people going to court do the sensible thing of trying to dress up so that the court doesn't think they don't take this stuff seriously?
Do you have more to go on that this?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2014): Everybody who has an ex wonders "what if things turned out differently?" If you are engaged, it is only natural to look back on your past, and wonder about the future.
He knew her before he knew you, they had a relationship, and he has a child with her. You've created and maintained a relationship which grew from dating, to an engagement.
So even now, YOU are wondering if you've made the right choice. It is only natural to consider, and reconsider, these things. To contemplate on past relationships, other partners, and where your new relationship is going. Hopefully the trials of the past have molded him into a better man. That would be to your benefit, and partially to your credit. Would it not? He could be nasty and hateful toward her. Would that make you feel better?
Do not marry under doubt, or suspicion. I think you are over-thinking his comments; because you're making a big decision that not only involves your future, but your baby's as well. You need guarantees. You'll find none in life, my dear. The purpose of doubt is to learn, analyze, and correct. If all doubt does is create insecurity, you are not ready for marriage.
I think things might go better, if you both sit down to talk-out your concerns. You need to be honest and forthright about your discomfort with his frequent commentary about his ex; but you also need to control your jealous and possessive-impulses.
Envy is toxic and consuming. I will not hesitate to say it is also stupid; when it takes-over a relationship, while it is in full-progress and blossoming. These issues were to be worked-out long before an engagement is agreed upon. Not as an afterthought. "I'm dating a guy with another baby's mama. Can I deal with it?" Back then, was when the decision was to be made if you should attach your feelings. Not, "oh he just asked me to marry him. I hope he forgets all about her first." Sorry, that just ain't gonna happen!!! NOPE!
The reality is, you are not the only woman in his life. He shares a child with someone else. That's the deal you've bought into. Take it, or leave it.
You knew that from the very start. If you are not strong enough to live with that, you better postpone the wedding. She is the mother of one of his children. She can't be out-of-sight, out-of-mind. There is a major reminder between them. Just as important as you, and your baby. His other child.
She is the mother and caretaker of your child's half-brother, or sister. Even you, should wish the best for her. That connection makes her a permanent-fixture in your life. Learn to live with it, and make the best of it. The better they get along; the better the quality of life for you, your baby, and your marriage. All childish-jealousy put aside.
Don't marry if you have evidence to support your suspicions. Don't figure you can change him later; or think marrying him will undo his feelings for her. If what you suspect is true, it is likely he will not marry you. Is this part of your worries? She'll find a way to delay or somehow disengage your future marriage? Probably, but not likely. Most of this stuff is in your head. Probabilities are probabilities, until they become fact and reality. That isn't the case, is it?
I think for the most part, it's the natural bridal-jitters. Crap that plagues the mind, when you're making a life-changing decision. Conflict and indecision. Looking for excuses, or reasons you could be making a mistake. Being overprotective of your feelings; inspired mostly through jealousy, in this case.
No matter what advice you receive from the uncles and aunts here on DC, it's easier said than done. I know this. I'm human too. I'd probably wonder too, if I were in your shoes.
Janniepeg hit a lot of the best points. She can see through a woman's eyes, and a woman's heart. Now hear it from a man.
You'll have to have trust in your fiance' in order to marry him. Until it is certain, you should not go through with it; because your insecurity will plague your marriage. You cannot undo the past, and you have to have some faith in the fact that he loves YOU now. He didn't just forget that he once loved her too, but now in a different way. They share a child together, and a history. Also the future, through his other kid. Including the genetic-kinship between both the children. They have the same father.
As adults, there are many things we have to learn to cope with. Life doesn't always present happiness without some conditions or setbacks. We have to adapt to some situations that we cannot change; and therefore, we prepare for the long-run. We make our best decisions based on fact; and we judge by what we know. Not what we guess, or perceive.
I feel that he is happy that she is happy in her own right; which lessens complications on you, and his new family. Her improved financial-situation lightens her dependence on his contribution. Although; he morally and legally shares half the expenses of raising their child.
He may be expressing how some concerns have now been lifted; that may have placed doubt and worry in his own mind about her, and how she is progressing. As a father, he may be more concerned for the welfare and well-being of the other child; more so, than the mother. Who's success and stability will directly effect their child's growth and development. She has shared-custody, might I remind you?
You have to see the whole picture; not just the negative aspects of all this. You have to be optimistic; and not let pessimism, or cynicism, make you jaded on his intentions.
Your worry also comes from natural-competitiveness and ego.
Who presents to him the better mother, mate, and life-partner? What traits does she have that may outshine yours, and what do you have that brought him to you? Will it last, or will you fail him? This will all run through your mind, sooner or later.
Some things you know now. Some things are yet to be established over-time. You are going to have to rely on trust. Being in a relationship/marriage demands that you take a risk. You will encounter obstacles and complications. These are the things necessary for your development as woman, a wife, and a mother. Challenges all women face. All people face.
Your self-confidence,inner-strength,and character helps you to overcome insecurity and doubt. Don't try reading his mind, or putting two and two together; only because he is kind enough to offer the mother of his other child some compliments. There was a time he felt less goodwill toward her. Trust me. This is evidence that he is not a mean and bitter man; who might create drama that will hurt you, your child, and your future together. That is where you should place more value and consideration. He is of fairness and good-nature. A big plus, in my book. Trust "yourself." You're so much smarter than you're giving yourself credit for. You have given him a better outlook on life. He's happy, not bitter. He failed in one area; but he has succeeded now, because of you. He asked YOU to marry him!
Things could change. Worry when that happens. Have faith!
My best to you, and hopes that things will go just fine.
Part of that depends on you having the right attitude, and maturity.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 July 2014):
 He has a history with her and now that you are getting married he can't help but wonder what if they worked things out, what could have been. You have a 2 month old, and he knows that exes are exes for a reason, so that should stop them from getting back together. Splitting up a family is a painful thing and he doesn't want to take full responsibility for the break up so he said it's his family's fault. Now, this doesn't stop you from worrying. What I would say to him is that though you try to understand his past and how it affects him today, you worry that he still misses her. It's true that your significant other becomes your best friend but when it comes to matters with exes, he needs another ear, not you. He should be older than you, and he let this slipped out of his tongue.
If I were you, I would be thinking all kinds of things in my mind, "how could you say these things? Aren't you happy that you are getting married to me? Why do you think I am interested in hearing your exes? Am I just your rebound? Am I your therapist? You should have dealt with your child support issues before even thinking of dating anyone. Am I going to be another ex that you repent breaking up with in the future? Make it up to me and focus on me now!"
No, I would be diplomatic, take a deep breath and just say, "I wish her family is happy. I am glad she is doing fine now. I have faith that our family will last forever. I want an impact family with you. I will do my best to make sure everything works out."
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