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female
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anonymous
writes: hii know a lot of people out there are going to be saying how stupid i am, but i really hope someone, anyone, can give me some advice please!!ive been going out with my partner now for 4 months, and we got engaged over christmas (i can already hear the, "what were you thinking") all i can say, that it was, and still is this majical whirlwind. and ive never loved someone so much, but anyway... ive been engaged before, when i was a lot younger, to my first love, after years of being together, however as we grew up i realised he wasnt "the one" and we broke off amicably as after a while we both agreed that we both wanted different things in life.my current partner has a young daughter, nearly 4. and i knew from day one that he was engaged to her mother after she became pregnant, after 5 months of being with her. unfortunatly they lost the baby, but he stayed with her and later she became pregnant again. he told me that he always knew she wasnt "the one" but stayed with her for the childs sake. according to him they argued too much and he decided to brake off for his daughters sake. but only today i found out they were engaged for 5 years! how can anyone stay with someone for the sake of it for that long?that really upset me bacuse when i realised my ex wasnt the one we broke off. im now and only now having major doubts about us, as im worried that hes got engaged to me for the wrong reasons and worried hel stay with me for the sake of our marriage and one day for our childrenim not pregnant and dont intend to be for a long time yet! hes says that hes never felt so much love for someone before and didnt think this feeling existed in real life only in films. i dont deny that we love eachother, but i realised this morning that i hardly know anything about his past relationships.weve talked about mine, but that upsets him, he realises i have a past but dosnt want to talk about it much. whenever i ask questions about his, he responds but its always brushed under the carpet quickly, because he dosnt like bringing the past up, as hes a firm believer in the present and our future.im someone that would prefure to know everything, granted some things may hurt, but id rather know than have to ask and get shocked when something comes out.the mother of his daughter is always going to be in his life and if we are to stay engaged and get married i think i have a right to know about"the other woman in his life" or do you think thats asking too much from my man and that i should respect his wishes to keep certain things in the past? x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Mr.Ed +, writes (17 January 2006):
 I'm going to answer this question later today as I'm pondereing this information while I sleep. This hit's way to close to home for me.
Sincerely
Ed
A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (16 January 2006):
 First off, dont berate yourself. You are not stupid and I am totally sure that allot of people do the same in a similar position.
When we enter new relationships or at the relative beginning of one both parties often carry the baggage of the past because that is the only thing they have to go on experience wise. Like it or not the past is part of who we are and part of knowing somebody is knowing their past.
However people often find it a painful topic and this is obviously something that applies to your partner. In those instances, though you are right to want to know and to a degree feel entitled, you can't force the person in question to tell all. It is something they have to come to in their own time and at their own pace. The only way you can help this is by reassureing him it wont affect how you feel about him but that you want to know because you want to know everything about him. It may take time but you will get there.
It seems to me that the real reason that you want to know more is your insecurities about getting engaged. To answer those a little more info is required i feel. Crucially, who proposed to who. If he proposed to you he is hardly likely to have done it out of a sense of obligation. If the reverse is the case I still dont feel he would have said yes just because he felt he had too. Staying in a relationship for kids is entirely different and as you point out you do not have kids yet. Far more likely he was caught in the whirlwind like you. Hope that helps.
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