A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Can cheaters really change? I ask because my sister has started going out with a guy I know from uni who has cheated on all of his past girlfriends and I am a bit worried. He was always quite open about his cheating with his friends (they were all cheats and would all back each other up with alibis - I used to work with one of his friends and he used to tell me all about it). He also has a habit of lining up the next girl before he dumps the first, usually totally blindsiding the first girl. He seems to get infatuated with a girl and gets serious straight away, gets bored and cheats on her, drops her for the next girl, rinse and repeat! I think he is an ok guy to speak to, but I'd never trust him and I'm so shocked my sister has started seeing him. It has only been about 3 months but she has completely fallen for him and is at his house most nights now. I am a bit concerned for her because it seems like the start of the same old pattern and I think she will get hurt. She says it is different with her because they are in love.So I suppose my question is, do you think he could outgrow this behaviour (he is 27 now, she is 26) or change if he meets the right person, or is he likely to do the same thing to her? It seems pointless trying to talk her out of it, but I'd like an outside opinion on options. Thanks. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 1. Cheaters DON'T commonly change....
2. I recommend that you stay out of your Sister's affairs EXCEPT to take her aside, some time soon, and say to her: "Sis, I love you and don't ever want to see you get hurt. That said, I DO want to say that I have good reason to believe that (guy's name here) is known to not be faithful to girls he dates.... and I trust that you will not be one of his conquests. THIS is the last you will hear from me about this matter. Remember, I love you."
That is ALL you are - or should be - allowed to say...
Good luck to your Sister....
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (9 December 2012):
Can a cheat ever change? Yes they could. Doubtless there are many people who cheated on some-one, bitterly regretted it, realised they’d made a big mistake and have no desire to do it again. They post questions on Dear Cupid often enough and their remorse is clearly evident. However this man seems unashamed of his cheating, and cheats on girls over and over again. There is a clear pattern of getting the girl, finding her replacement and then dumping her. The signs are not good and you are right to be concerned for your sister. I wonder how many of the previous girlfriends believed it was different this time? That this was the real deal? Unfortunately whilst your sister is failing to make contact with reality and realise the likelihood that she’s going to end up another notch on his bedpost, there’s not much you can do because she won’t listen. All you can do is tell her to think seriously about what he’s done in the past, tell her how worried you are, say you’ll not interfere but tell her that you are always there for her if she needs you. Sadly this is something she’s going to have to figure out for herself. We can only hope that she sees sense before he does to her what he’s done to all the rest, but unfortunately you can’t do much more than that.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 December 2012):
 You're absolutely right. This guy will cheat on your sister and devastate her. He won't outgrow his behavior because he's a serial cheater. It's one thing to have done it once at age 18, but over and over again, setting up alibis and bragging about it to his friends is cheating dog material.
Any girl who dates a serial cheater with her eyes wide open is inviting the pain. If you've had this conversation with her and she dismissed it saying that it's "different with her", there's not much else you can do about it. She is an adult who has been warned about him, and sometimes only the pain of realizing that she's no different in a cheater's eyes is the only thing that will get through to her.
When this guy cheats on her and discards her, don't break out the "I told you so". Just be there to comfort your sister, who's going to need you. Trust me, she'll remember that you warned her away from him.
But him at 27? Unlikely he'll change now. The sucky thing now is that she's in this whole love bubble with him now. You told her he was a cheater and a player and she dismissed it. If you keep bashing the guy now, she'll get that whole stupid "It's us against the enemy" syndrome and distance herself from you. You want to avoid that, especially if you find proof of his cheating on her!
...............................
|
