A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I think I should leave my boyfriend of 3 years but I'm scared to because I know I'm going to miss him so much. Can anyone give me some advice on whether this is normal or if it means I shouldn't do it? Here is some background on the reasons I have been thinking this.First up, I probably only see him about once/twice a week and I usually just go round to his because he says he has no money. That would be fine, but he always has money to go out places or go drinking with his friends Thursday - Sunday most weeks. So I feel neglected and like I'm his second choice. He gets annoyed if I complain and says he is 'sick of me making him feel like he can't do anything right' (not my intention) so it's now at the stage where I don't say anything because I can't be bothered with the 'don't start with this again...' reaction I will get from him. Second, he can be quite selfish at times and always wants things his own way. He actually said he doesn't see why he should have to do anything he doesn't want to do, ever. This includes things like coming to my family parties with me, watching films that I want to see but he doesn't, even keeping plans with me when something 'better' comes along. I don't understand this. I believe he should not only have to but want to do things for me, not all the time but now and again. His opinion is we should look for a film we both like, or i will be fine at the party on my own because its my family (of course true but not the point to me). We are also having problems now because Christmas is coming up and while I love it he hates it. He hates having to spend money on presents (valuable partying money in his opinion) and makes a huge deal about how he wishes he could just cancel it. I have told him we don't need to spend much if we are creative about it, like we could go on a picnic or have a night at one of our homes but pretend its a hotel (get some cheap fizz and bathrobes and watch DVDs etc) but he thinks that's 'gay' and too much effort. It leaves me feeling hurt that he can't be bothered making an effort with anything. He thinks the fact he gets me anything at all is enough, but I can't even say 'it's the thought that counts' because it is obvious it is more like 'I picked up the first thing off the shelf because I couldn't be bothered shopping'. I realised today that he has never taken me away for a night or planned any sort of surprise for me in 3 years. I have taken him away 3 times and have done lots of surprise things for him, even silly things like buying his favourite chocolate bar before I visit and taking care of him when he is ill. He barely visits me when I am ill incase he catches it!I know I have made him out to be so awful, but this is just the bad stuff. When things are good we have such a laugh together and get on so well. I know I will be devastated if we break up (we broke up once before for a few weeks and I was gutted). I would also be heartbroken if I saw him with someone else. I also usually try to cut him some slack because he is 2 years younger than me (he is 25) and since guys mature slower maybe he needs time to grow up more? Then I feel I am just making excuses for him and I shouldn't be with someone who isn't what I want 'as they are'.I don't know, I am so confused right now I think because I am way too close to everything to see things rationally. He has started mentioning me moving in with him (I have said no) so I feel I need to work out what I want soon to make sure I don't keep things going and let him think we are moving forward when I want to end things (I've not spoken to him about this yet because I want to sort out my feelings first, plus he is spending the weekend with his friend who is back from living abroad so I won't see him until Tuesday night).FYI, I definitely know that I can be way too laid back a lot of the time, and I find it really hard to tell when I am putting up with too much and also when I am overreacting (I am sometimes over sensitive and get upset when people don't mean any offence). Any advice on that will also help as I think many of our problems stem from that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): Hi everyone I am the OP. Thank you very much for all taking the time to reply, it is much appreciated. I think you have all pretty much backed up what I thought would be said and it has given me much more confidence in my own feelings. He is great at making me feel like I am overreacting and asking too much of him, so your thoughts have been very helpful in helping me to see I am not being treated well enough. I am going to talk to him when I see him on Tuesday and explain to him exactly what I expect. If he doesn't listen this last time and tries to turn it round on me again (which I fully expect tbh) then I think I have no choice but to finish it. Thanks again all, oh and sageoldguy this is the first time I have posted about myself, although I have commented on other problems.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 Didn't you post this previously? ....and not too long ago?
The "answer" is; you have to choose from between two alternatives:
1. Continue to be this guy's foot-wiping mat for the indefinite future (until you, finally, get fed up), or,
2. Break off with this child, now, and endure the brief "missing him" period which will follow...
P.S. Following that "miss him" period will come the "Whew, I'm glad I got away from that creep" period. Fortunately, this second period lasts 'way longer than the first period does!!!!!
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 December 2012):
 Your relationship is already over, but you haven't wanted to see it until now:
1. Only going to his house -- he complains about money, yet goes and parties with his friends? He's 25, not 18. Do not make excuses about his age. If he was into you, he'd pursue you with a vengeance and make you feel special.
2. Selfishness/Christmas -- While I agree that Christmas has become this out-of-hand commercial feeding frenzy that gets on my nerves sometimes, is he USUALLY generous with you? Does he take you out, buy you little things (even a $5 flower), or otherwise make you feel special? I'm not saying that love is about gifts and money, but my boyfriend in college was flat broke, but borrowed my keys one day while I was at work and surprised me with an icy cold Minute Maid apple juice and a pack of Wint-O-Green Lifesavers with a nice handwritten note sitting on the driver's side of my car when I got off shift at work. His cost was about $1.50, but it made me feel like the princess of the universe! I totally married him. See what I mean? It's hollow to gripe about Christmas if he doesn't do nice things for you anyways!
3. Calling a romantic gesture from you "gay". This is the final nail in the coffin. You go out of your way to make him feel special and he responds by calling your idea "gay" without coming up with an alternative? Drop him.
4. Watching movies you like and he doesn't is a bit trickier. When a relationship gets beyond the initial stages, you do start realizing what each other likes, so there are things you like, things he likes, and things you both have in common. If you have nothing in common, then you're in trouble. Having a "good laugh" when times are good doesn't mean you have a relationship.
I think your relationship has become stale and run its course. You should move on from him. Don't make excuses for him being 25. This isn't about maturity. This is about him not being into you anymore. Men who love their women show it in actions, and wanting sex all the time (I'm guessing he's still wanting it regularly, eh?) doesn't count.
Don't be afraid of change. You're afraid to leave him because it is a profound change. Best to get it over with before you get pregnant or go into your 30's realizing you gave the best years of your life to someone who doesn't appreciate them...or you.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 I understand that he has some redeeming qualities and that some of the time you do enjoy yourself. But not nearly enough of the time. Yes, I do think you are cutting him way too much slack.
Not only are you unhappy with the status quo, but he's no longer even willing to discuss it, let alone do anything to fix it. That spells doom.
And yes, you will miss him, for a while, and you'll grieve, but with time that will get less and less. You've got to give yourself a chance to get over him. Nothing ventured nothing gained. You have nothing to lose here. You already are alone. You don't have a real boyfriend. You just have someone to take care of when he's in the mood to be taken care of.
Apply your talents elsewhere and nivest in someone who actually appreciates who you are and what you do.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (9 December 2012):
 Lonely is what its call you will be able to replace like the song mentioned your irreplaceable I can have another you in a minute and he will be here in a minute. You and him are breaking up. You dont get along really. Gifts or not candy bar or not your apparently incompatible. That's life.
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