A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiAround 2 months ago i got in touch with an old friend from university. When we were younger i knew that he had a massive crush on me, but i never felt the same way about him so we stayed friends. At first we would just text message each other, then we had long conversations on the phone and eventually met up in person. He has told me he still has strong feelings for me but at this point i still didnt feel the same so told him i just wanted to be friends. He went away on holiday an met an american girl who he had a short holiday romance with and when he told me i felt overwhelmed with jealousy. I truly did not want him with any other woman. When he arrived back we decided to be together as boyfriend and girlfriend. I knew that my jealous feelings meant that i did have strong feelings for him as more than a friend. I was happy with my decision at the time. But 2 weeks into the relationship and i cant shake the feeling that something is wrong. I dont have a passionate feeling for him. He is kind, intelligent, good looking, generous, but i dont feel overly attracted to him. I feel uncomfortable when we kiss or if he tries to hold my hand. I dont want to sound arrogant but i'am fairly better looking than him. And i fear that the reason i feel uncomfortable is because i'am worrying about what other people think. I feel ashamed of being so shallow. But we get along on so many levels, i have more in common with him than anyone i have ever met and i desperately want to feel more attracted to him. But the spark is not there. Has anyone got any advice?
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (24 April 2009):
It's really nice to have a male friend. Especially when they make you feel good about yourself because you know they like you and want you.
Just having him around is like one big permanent compliment, and I KNOW how good that feels, so don't tell me you don't feel it too.
When he went off with that other girl, you felt rejected because he had sort of dumped you so he could go and adore another woman. It was a rejection of you in a way and that is not nice, even though you knew it was the best.
That is why you felt jealous, because subconsciously, you wanted him to come back and think YOU were beautiful, not her.
Most girls go through this as teenagers but you obviously haven't and this is why you have made this mistake. You CANNOT be friends with someone who wants to be more than friends. It's not fair. It's leading them on in a way, even if you try really hard not to. It stops him from moving on and it leads to this kind of selfish possessiveness.
All girls have the capacity to do this, it's the way we are hard wired, in the same way all men have the capacity to get angry and want to hit something.
I did this EXACT same thing with my first serious boyfriend at 17. I unknowingly led him on for a year, because I thought we could be "just friends", got addicted to the good feelings and then decided that I MUST love him and should give it a go. Through the whole time we were together I knew it wasn't right. But I was young and stupid and liked having a boyfriend finally so stuck with it for FAR too long and it ended horribly.
You have to tell him that you don't think it's going to work, that you can't see it going anywhere and you've tried so hard but you can't make yourself fall for him.
You are going to hurt him and he's going to be really angry but it'll get much worse if you leave it any longer.
It'll be horrible to do but you have to do it, and then DON'T try and be friends again. Let him go off and get over you and find other girls. He deserves to be happy with someone who can love him back.
Good Luck!! xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): got my words jumbled up...it could just be that you missed not having him want you coz he met someone else. its always nice to feel wanted, sometimes even if you don't want them back, and thats where your jealousy stemed from, not coz you wanted him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): it could just be that you missed not having you want him coz he met someone else. its always nice to feel wanted, sometimes even if you don't want them back, and thats where your jealousy stemed from, noot coz you wanted him
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