A
male
age
30-35,
*forde04
writes:My girlfriend and I both found jobs rather quickly after leaving university. Call it good fortune or whatever, but she started working this week and I am due to do so next. I have found myself worrying that these changes to both our lifestyles could weaken our relationship and wanted to see what peoples opinions were. We met in the Second year of university, and I think the fact that we could spend lots of time with one another really helped our relationship blossom into what it is today. However, our lifestyles and thus our relationship are now faced with major changes. It is simply impossible to spend as much time with one another as we used to, and the constraints of the working day mean that we speak with one another much less than we used to. Meanwhile she has begun to form friendships with work colleagues, going out for drinks with them (as would be expected) whilst my social life is rather more limited. There are also great disparities in our respective positions. Although both of them are career orientated and will help us progress further, she works for the far more prestigious organisation and earns almost double what I do. She is a competitive person and takes some sort of satisfaction in this but most significantly she can afford a lifestyle which is truly beyond my means. I am extremely happy for her and really want her to achieve all that is possible but I am aware that our relationship needs to be ‘rebalanced’, almost so that it can fit around the constraints of post-university life and overcome the various challenges and pressures that I have described above. I’ve always found excellent advice on this website and would be interested in whether people think our relationship is viable in the long term, and if so what alternations need to be made. Thanks for you time
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male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (29 August 2014):
 Hello
You and your partner have both started reaching that watershed stage of your lives when the freedom and fun of young adulthood, the optimism and ambition of youth and shared lifestyles, give way to the pressures of work, stress, financial competition and moving into new areas both socially and professionally.
Its one thing to be a student planning your future, quite another to be leaving that behind and living the reality of adult life with the responsibility of work and all that it entails.
Many people find themselves in a situation where, on one hand, the world of work opens up new opportunities socially and the chance to inter grate with more experienced people or people from different backgrounds and ages. On the other hand, constraints on time, money and the stresses of work can hinder relationships and social lives too. Its not uncommon at all for people at that stage of their lives to move on quickly from the friends, social outlets and, sometimes, partners they held so dear up until starting a post graduate position.
Many of us feel the need to be taken more seriously, especially at work and therefore change our attitude, our behaviours and our appearance in a bid to be accepted by our, for the want of a better word, superiors. We move on from the drinking, clubbing and partying and our large social circle dwindles as both ourselves and our friends find more important things to spend their time and money doing.
For most people leaving University and going out into the world of work is quite a culture shock. Many are disappointed, hurt and disheartened by the lack of opportunities in the current job market. Others find work that is either not what they expected to be doing or reveals their chosen field to be very different from the world of theory and study. Others still, and im talking a smaller minority here, get a good job straight from Uni in their chosen profession and do extremely well indeed. Either way, that experience of the first few months post graduating is very much a life changing event.
I didn't go to University and started work at 17. I had to mature very quickly to deal with the office politics and the fact I was working with people I perceived at my (then) tender age as being ancient. They were between 35 and 55. I soon learned to fit in and socialized with some of the older co-workers. As a result I broadened my horizons, became interested in things I had not considered and met people who allowed me to quickly grow. The upshot was that my existing friends and Gf were just no longer compatible with me. Vey quickly I had moved on.
The blunt truth is that many couples who are so right for each other in their late teens/early twenties suddenly find that their relationship doesn't survive past post graduation changes. The difference in a person a few weeks before graduating and that same person six months into a post grad. job is often startling. Couples can suddenly find themselves no longer compatible or at least with incompatible lives.
Only time will tell if your relationship will survive into the long term, but I do think you need to be prepared to accept the fact that many romances formed at University or before fail to last long in the real world.
One of the big issues is that she is competitive and earning far more than you. She also works and socialises with other high earners. That obviously puts you under pressure to do well and, from how you have worded your post, im guessing you feel a little inadequate if I can use that word? I have been in that situation and its not nice and although you have a job and should be proud, a competitive partner who takes satisfaction from earning twice as much as you is likely to be an issue. Suddenly its about competition rather than the two of you together taking on the world.
In an ideal world love would be more important than money in a relationship and commitment would not stop if one was earning more than the other. In reality finance IS a big issue. A young woman (or man) suddenly finding a high rate of pay flowing in, working for a prestigious firm and gaining respect, authority and mixing with high fliers at a young impressionable age can go to that persons head or make them feel "above" those earning less than them. For others its simply wanting a partner who is as successful as them. Some people don't mind a pay disparity at all.
If she does want a lifestyle you cannot afford then clearly its going to be a stumbling block.
Im sorry if my words are not what you want to hear but all you can do is be yourself, enjoy your job and see how it goes. If you have to try too hard to make it work then its only a matter of time before one or both of you decide to stop making the effort.
Mark
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