A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met my boyfriend at university; we have been together for three years, and spent most of this time together almost constantly.He has invited me into his family and is overall supportive of me in my work.On the other hand he hasn’t stuck up for me in front of his friends and he puts his work before me.When our relationship was beginning I was crazy about him, a few times he would go clubbing with his friend and I would stay home to get work done. About three months in, a video was made where he was checking out some girl profusely, around this time he was also texting someone who had a thing for him, but this stopped once I almost caught him out. I lost trust at this point. In the second year we had trouble with sex as I felt insecure. We have both put on weight and he has made the odd comment relating to my looks/ how sexually attractive I am which have stung badly. I never said about this at the time, as I was quite shocked and mad.I have confronted him about checking out other girls. I wouldn’t mind if it was the odd glance but it’s the constant looking back at them when we are out. Light heartedly, I said it makes me feel a bit crap when its right in front of me, to which he completely over reacted, denying ever having looked at a girl since we’ve gone out. Anytime we have an argument, it never solves anything as he turns it on me or just won’t talk to me for a few days and then act as if nothing happened.I feel like I’ve become a prudish and a jealous person, which I really hate, I have also lost confidence. He is overall caring and kind to me, but his few comments and constant ogling girls gets to me, especially as we don’t see each other as often now (once/ twice a month). I think the problem is he is just not as interested in me sexually anymore. Please let me know if you have any advice, I hope I don’t sound too dramatic as it’s not a huge problem but I’d like to learn to trust/ feel confident in my relationship with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2014): The advice most often given in your situation, is to talk to your boyfriend. The problem is, the vast majority of people these days don't know how to have a productive conversation or discussion with their mates. They know how to complain, find fault, make excuses, and whine. Few know how to have a constructive discussion that will create trust, compromise, and resolve an issue that is pressing on the relationship. You have to be calm, and learn how to listen to criticism. If you have complaints, don't expect someone to sit is listen to what bothers you; if you're not willing to hear what they have to say.
You say he turns it around on you. Maybe not, maybe that is the problem he has with you. You complain, but can't hear his side of the issue.
You have to be able to relate to each other; and have reciprocating love. If one party is doing all the work, that is often why there is no communication. One partner is just coasting along out of force of habit, and the other is conscious they have a problem in the relationship; but only speaks up when they're angry.
When you argue, that is not a discussion. No one is really listening, everyone is venting their anger and frustration. Over time, a wide gap forms between the couple. Their sex-life fizzles out, there is less affection exchanged, and the relationship becomes stagnant. Every now and then, they have a little fun together; so that suffices to say they should stay together. They're in denial that the relationship is in trouble. They'd rather not talk about it, because they'll just end up fighting.
At that point, there isn't much you can say or do; because you've allowed it to exist on nothing more than complacency.
Scared to breakup. If you live together, it would be financially inconvenient; because you split or share expenses. You'd have to look for another place to live.
Then, there is just plain laziness. You'd rather put-up with what you have than be alone. Even though you're pretty much alone already. You try to absorb all the things he does that totally irritates you; because if you speak up about it, he'll get pissed-off at you. You start to feel like a pin-cushion. Always feeling his pricks. You nag, because he's an asshole who does as he pleases. With no regard how it effects you. When a man has no respect for you, there is no reason to keep him around. Talking bounces off.
You say it's not a huge problem, then why did you sit down to write a post about it? That's because you have a gap between you, and you don't have a clue how to close it.
Try to talk to him, and see if he is willing to work with you to make things better. This is a test. It is to see if the relationship is actually salvageable, and how eager he is to help you to fix it. Ask him to tell you what he needs from you, and what you do that isn't working for him. Then bite the bullet; and listen to some things that might be hurtful, but they may help you understand things better.
Before you do, you have to know what it is you need to fix and have a plan on how to go about fixing it. Tell him how you feel when he is around his friends. You don't feel he sticks up for you. That makes you feel disrespected. You didn't go into specifics as to why he would have to stick up for you? Have the balls to stand up for yourself. Do you feel picked on, or are you always the whiny one in the group? Does everyone have to tiptoe around your feelings?
What?
He turns "arguments" around on you; because like I said, no one is listening.Just venting and complaining. You don't/can't have a discussion; because he has disconnected with you, and really lost touch with a long-time ago. You held on when your relationship past it's expiration-date. He just sticks around; because he has someone to keep house, cook meals, and he'd have to look for another place to live. You're playing it down, to avoid harsh realities that aunts and uncles may present to you. The worst being to dump him and move on.
He's checking out other girls; because he is considering his options. You write yourself off as jealous and prudish.
If that's all it is; then stop.
You have to use some logic and analyze your situation. After reasonable consideration; reach a conclusion.
Whether you have a salvageable relationship; or if you're holding out just because you don't want to be alone? Willing to continue remaining in a relationship you don't know how to fix. While your mate is looking at other girls, because he isn't satisfied with the one he has. You have already found signs he is going beyond just "looking."
When you aren't getting anything out of a relationship; and you're the only one who seems concerned about it. You're the one who has to decide whether to stay, or to leave.
Weigh the pros and cons. Even if your post was mostly to vent, you recognize there is something wrong. You feel like you're the only one concerned about it. So don't just take all the blame; because that's hiding from the truth.
A
female
reader, Mrs Curley  +, writes (29 August 2014):
Sweetheart, you are worth more than this. Your feelings or intuition are trying to tell you something!!Don't settle for being with a guy that lowers your self esteem. He may be great in other ways, being kind and supportive of your work. But not sticking up for you in front of his friends, and ogling other girls AND in front of you is NOT GOOD. It shows a lack of respect for you. Please don't stay with him because if you do your self esteem will get lower and lower.You know how I know? Because I married guy who sounds just like him, we ended up having kids. Then I felt I couldn't leave because of the kids and it took me years to leave. I realised I married for the wrong reasons and I thought it would get better. But it never did.Save yourself some time and misery. Get out while you can. It will be sad for a while but in the end you will feel so much better about yourself. And you'll know more about what YOU want in a man.
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