A
male
age
36-40,
*erricks
writes:On New Year's Eve of last year I started dating an amazing girl, Kate. I was totally in love with her, she's amazing, sweet and incredibly hot. Less then two months later I was in a serious car accident that left me in induced coma for 8 weeks. Doctors have called me a miracle.. They told my family I would most likely have brain damage / I would never walk again. But I proved them wrong. I have no set backs mentally, I have partial (85%) use of my hands / arms but I spend hours a day in intense physiotherapy trying to learn to walk again. Kate has been an godsend. She spent hours by my side when I was in a coma. 6 weeks ago I was release from the hospital in a wheel chair. She moved in with me to help out. I feel extremely guilty that at 25 yrs old instead of out partying with friends, she is helping me get dressed or attending endless appointments. She has spent more of our relationship looking after me then having fun. I love her and can't imagine life with out her but I hate living with her and the way her life has had to change because of me. She never takes time for her self, she lost weight due to stress, she looks exhausted all the time. I feel horrible that she had to move into a new apartment and set it up alone while I sat in a chair and watched her, I hate they I have to depend on her for help with simple task. And I hate that she does all of this and still has a smile on her face and loves me. Is it normal to be thankful someone like her but hate her at the same time?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2014): My friend, live in the present and appreciate her being with you as long as she is willing to be there. You can let worrying about the future ruin everything. I grew up listening to the wisdom of my Native American culture and Christian spiritual teachings. There is a reason for everything.
You're not promised tomorrow. So enjoy what you have received today.
We [worry] about how long good-times and our happiness will last. That steals our happiness. It wastes the time we should be rejoicing over those blessings we have already received, and are experiencing today within this very hour. Hope and pray it will last, but be happy each and every day she is around. Lift her burdens in every way you can think of, and that will lighten your guilt. You may not be able do a lot of things, but you know how to love. Something keeps her around and makes her smile. Makes her willing to do what she does. You've lost a lot; but you've gotten something wonderful in return, young man.
By giving her your love and appreciation in return, she finds all the reward she needs. If she must go,
then bid her a wonderful farewell and pray that she receives all the best. But for now, she's with you.
Be grateful for what you have, and don't worry about what it will be like not having her forever. If she does tire in the future; you are wasting her time and effort trying to improve your quality of life [now]. You can repay her by continuing to struggle and fight your way back. Keep beating the odds. She's your inspiration.
Depression comes from the lack or loss of hope. Joy and happiness comes from being thankful; and celebrating the blessings we have received, and are experiencing in the present. You have her now, be happy! You are making great strides in your recovery. Keep fighting!
A
male
reader, Derricks +, writes (29 August 2014):
Derricks is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE, unfortunately my accident was my mistake. I was driving way over the speed limit, hit black ice, rolled my truck four times before hitting a hydro poll.
I do not take her for granted at all, I appreciate every thing she does for me. I do have a physio in my home but she insist on being there with me. She's amazing in every way. I do try to do little thing like rubbing her feet, complimenting her looks, watching sappy chick flicks with her because I know she likes them.
I guess I'm more afraid that eventually she will get tired or board with me and looking after me. I can not imagine my life with out her and she is the reason I haven't given up. I promised myself one day I will dance with her at our wedding and I am determined to make that happen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2014): First of all, I want to commend you on working so hard to fight the odds against you. Give yourself credit; because physiotherapy and rehabilitation is a strenuous and frustrating process. You didn't just give-up and checkout.
It takes courage and determination. You are a very brave and resilient person. Positive in spite of the odds. Now who wouldn't or couldn't appreciate that?
Kate is one in a million. She was the angel sent to help you through your recovery. You must encourage her to take better care of "herself." She has to get time-off; or she will weaken from stress and concern. She is a devoted type of person, so she puts others before herself. So you have to nag her into getting out of the house to have lunch with friends, visit her family, and have a night-out with the girls.
Does your healthcare plan offer coverage for a visiting physical therapist? Look into it, that can lesson actual trips. Kick Kate out of the house. Make her sit and relax. Use her feet as your digital therapy, try and see if you can rub and message them for her. Don't stress yourself over your physical limitations or feel you're a burden to anyone. You struggle everyday, and any decent compassionate person realizes how tough that is for you.
My good friend, she fully understands your physical disabilities; and she is willing to help you. So there should be no guilt, just never take her good-nature for granted. She is willingly at your side, and a Higher Power feels she should be there for you. Weight-loss due to stress is not a good sign. That is because you had moments you were in medical crisis. That took it's toll, don't take blame on yourself for things you have no control over. If your mate isn't there to take care of you, then who is there? You should be asking your family-members over to help you out to lighten her load. They should be more than willing to give her a well-deserved break.
You can always put out an add for a assistant or caretaker to help you with dressing, bathing, and mobility. I don't know who was at fault for your unfortunate accident; but if there was another driver at fault, I would think you are awaiting an injury settlement. You should reward Kate with a wonderful vacation, and help her out with any pressing debts or expenses. I know she will decline the offer; because she does it from her heart. Insist that she is rewarded by being good to her; and never allow her to feel you wouldn't do anything humanly possible for her. You may have physical limitations, but you have a powerful spirit and you're a loving soul. She can smile, because she sees all the good within you. That's why you beat the odds. You're blessed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2014): Dear Derrick,Good on you for doing so well after that terrible accident.It must be so difficult after doing everything for yourself and now not being able to. It's normal to have these conflicting thoughts but really it's just another form of guilt. Us humans are very good at feeling guilty.You don't say whether you've actually told her what you've said in your question. You really need to talk to Kate about this.She may be trying to show you just how very much she cares about you.But she may be over doing it. How would you feel if she did go out with friends a couple of nights a week? Or maybe you also need some space by yourself at times to aclimatise to the new way in which you have to live now. Can any of your family members come to help you and give her and you a break. It's difficult being with anybody 24/7 even the one you love.I think it may take more than people on the internet giving you advice,even if it is good or well intended. Perhaps your favourite doctor could refer just you, or you and Kate to an experienced psychologist to counsel you about the feelings you have and help you both.Wishing you all the very best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2014): Sorry to hear what you've been through, and I am glad you are on the mend. :)You don't hate her, you just feel guilty for what she has had to go through with you. I have been in a similar situation to you, as I suffer from bipolar disorder my boyfriend has had to put up with a lot. I feel guilty all the time about it. The difference is, with you, you show her you are thankful, when I am having an episode I do not seem very thankful! But anyway, she is with you because she loves you and has proven to you she's in it for the long haul, so talk to her about how you feel, and show her that you are truly grateful that she is there for you.
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male
reader, lforde04  +, writes (29 August 2014):
She does it out of love, and as such you don't need to feel guilty. Be thankful that you have found such a kind, loving and caring person who will put you before their own needs and desires. You must ensure that you reciprocate these behaviour though. Be there when she needs the support, like she was for you. Always be kind and considerate. This is what relationships are for, and it seems you've found a good one :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2014): Just get over it, she's a nice person. Just take her out buy her flowers and say something meaningful to her about it then move on and stop going on about it.
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