A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm scared i'm sinking into depression and can't pull myself out of it.I'm a Mum of one (teenager) and came out of a long term relationship in October. When I had my child, I battled post-natal depression for several years and so I think I can spot some of the signs.I've been feeling lonely for the past few weeks, mainly because my teen has just gone into the phase of wanting to be in his room all the time or on his phone. Therefore he's spent the whole holidays and event tonight in his room despite me planning a movie night. It's my first Christmas/new year alone so wanted to be around my child just to make the lost of it and prevent this feeling really.I also was recently moved in my place of work to another team which has not really helped. The new team are very clicky and I just don't feel like they want me there, or that I fit in.I've tried to look at dating again but just find myself being accosted by the strangest people. Any friends that I have are all married or have young children so i'm left to my own devices and I just feel incredibly lonely.I've brought myself to bed because I just feel so fed up.I'm not usually bothered about New Years Eve but my child and me have always made a thing of sitting up and watching films. I suppose I just feel like i've finally lost the one person I had left.Everybody in work, friends and family think i'm this super strong person who just likes my own company but truth be told i've never felt so alone since all those years ago.I just feel so lost.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2020): Hi,
I am the OP.
Thank you to everybody for your answers and kind words. I am so grateful and keep referring back to this page when I feel a little blue.
I had a long chat also with my child earlier and decided to lay off the dating as suggested. My child confirmed what you all said - he feels uncomfortable with me moving on so fast. He was relieved that we spoke and it made me feel better also.
I've found that i can get discounted counselling sessions through my workplace so I think i'm going to try a hand full of sessions and see where it goes.
I am also looking at hobbies and am reaching out to my workmates to try and relax a little and not feel so isolated - i'm feeling hopeful.
Thank you so much again for taking the time to respond. It has helped massively and will continue to do so in the coming weeks/months.
I wish you all the best x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2020):
Yes, as a single Mum of a now grown up daughter I can totally relate to this.
I wish I had an easy answer but I haven't. I haven't made the best decisions for me, so my situation is far from perfect. Probably I still need to apply the same advice to myself as I would offer to you:
1. There's a fine balance between coping with the effects of depression (and its causes) and trying to create new, healthy patterns to live in ways that will make life more fulfilling. Over the years, I've learned that it's good to aim for a balance of exercise to relieve depression, and putting stimulating activities into life - whether this is part time study, an evening class or two, a change of job, a regular group that meets up with a purpose eg. clearing community spaces to improve them (rivers, parks etc), or a ramblers club or knitting or dance club etc.
2. Therapy can only help so much, especially if it is NHS therapy. I've seen several NHS therapists and I find it limited. It can help you to cope and to tolerate situations and, up to a point, helps you to manage your life better, but the bottom line with NHS therapy is that it is minimal and put in place with the sole purpose of trying to keep people in a job, so as to avoid them claiming benefits. And not necessarily a good job, just any job. It's also VERY retrospective looking - in other words, you may learn a huge amount over many years by looking into the past and past relationships, but it won't necessarily help you to think forward or to make decisions about the future or to shape your future life.
3. As single mums we can become emotionally dependent on our children to fill up a void in our social lives. I did this with my daughter. We are okay, we have a good relationship but I was heartbroken when she left home and went through a 'delayed rebellion' - we had been so close and, I thought, so happy. She didn't find space to rebel until she left home and I felt I lost my best friend, my 'partner in crime'. It's taken me years to get over this and I've still got a gap there, a blank where so much shared love and happiness used to be. Obviously, I should have taken my own advice and found groups etc and more friends earlier on. But for us there was a huge issue with money and I literally gave any spare money over to her developing her own social life and there was none left for me. Make sure you start to build some sort of support network and social life now - if you join groups where there is a goal or shared activity in place it will be less awkward and it will take some of the focus off of your son and take away some of the dependency. Be prepared to try out various things, not all of them will work.
4. Wait a while before dating and be prepared to spend a substantial amount of time filtering out the weirdos and time-wasters. If you have built your own life to keep you busy, this won't be as depressing as it might seem. Also, if you join the right classes, you may find a really nice partner by chance. Eg. if you joined a carpentry class..? Or a class to do with environmental issues...you are more likely to find someone creative, conscientious, caring etc...
5. Practice putting high value on yourself. This will feel impossible to begin with because you feel low. And it really does take practice.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (2 January 2020):
 I can relate OP. The good thing is that you're aware of the signs. You know yourself well enough to know when you're experiencing a spiral and that's the first step and a very crucial one at that.
I agree with the other aunts who say that dating should not be a priority right now. It won't help you out right now, it most likely will complicate things further.
Your son is at a point in his life where he is becoming an individual and more interested in discovering what he likes and who he is apart from you. This may mean that he will have to avoid certain traditions and it isn't out of spite. He just needs to figure out who he is. He also needs friends his own age and he needs to build a life of his own and discover what he needs and who he will ultimately be. He is becoming an individual. With that being said, you should definitely try to get out. You're feeling lonely and vulnerable but you need to do some things that you'd enjoy to be able to begin to enjoy your life again independent of anyone else. Whatever your hobbies are or whatever you'd like to try, is what you should be actually doing right now. You have the opportunity to rediscover yourself. To explore your interests. It can be very fun embarking on this journey because it could bring many good memories and people into your life. Enjoy the journey. Embrace it. Fall in love with yourself again.
It would be beneficial for you to speak to a therapist now. A therapist could provide some much needed support and help give you tools. You could unpack all that's bothering you and figure out what's the best way to move forward. I often find that happy distractions help a lot like doing or going somewhere fun (this is dependent on what you like). You could do something new or discover new hobbies. Learn new skills. Make new friends. The possibilities are endless.
I hope you find peace and happiness OP. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (1 January 2020):
 Feeling blue around the holidays is not new. Then there's the lack of adequate sunshine, the perpetual cold weather and the fact that most people are busy with family, so what happens is those alone, feel very lonely. I think that's what's happening to you. Everything is getting to you and your only companion, your son, isn't living up to your expectations.
OP while I understand exactly where you're coming from, you have to understand that no one can help you but you yourself. Don't date just for the sake of it. It will just add to your problems!
I was very lonely for years before I met my husband. I used to date a bunch of absolutely shitty guys and no relationship that I had was fulfilling. As a result, I was perpetually lonely, especially around the holidays. I used to look at people's pictures on Facebook and compare my life to them. The most non existent people in school and college had a seemingly better life than me and I hated it!
Trust me though, things will get better. Maybe not immediately but they will. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? Maybe you can try volunteering at a shelter? Why can't you just watch a movie on TV alone? Read a good book, answer some questions here on Dear Cupid, do up your house, change the decor, rearrange your wardrobe... There's a ton of things you can do when you're feeling blah. I remember there was a new year's eve where I was just here on dear cupid.... And i didn't regret it!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 January 2020):
 I’m sorry, OP. Trust me when I say I understand. Please put off dating for a few more months; you’d be on the rebound.
Also, find a therapist through your GP. You can see the signs, but prevention is better than letting it get worse before you see a professional. The deeper you fall into it, the harder it is to get out, so seek the help now.
Find hobby groups you can go to to be with other adults - cooking classes, art classes, book club, pottery classes, etc., but see a therapist too :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 January 2020):
 1. I think you need to take a LITTLE more time before trying to get back in the dating game. It's ONLY been 2 months. IT IS OK to be alone a little, but it's ALSO OK to let friends and family know that YOU need company, support, a shoulder to lean on. Being strong means ASKING for help when you need it.
2. You need to try and make friends ADULT friends. Your son can not BE your "partner" in the sense that he now has to be the one to make you feel less alone. He is a teenager. HE is also dealing with the break up but in a different way than you, it's a different kind of loss. You haven't LOST your child, he is still there. He just have different needs than you. He knows that you want to spend time because you are feeling lonely.
Planning a movie night is nice, but it may not be what HE wanted to do for New Years, after all... you can have a movie night ANY night.
You are BOTH processing the break up. But in different ways. Remember that.
And ASK for help if you need some. That includes at work.
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