A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know I'm being crazy or if I should be upset/worried. This is basically about my boyfriend and my friend, who is a girl. From the beginning, I've been very insecure about them, I admit. When I first introduced them, they got along really really really well, they were laughing and talking and I felt excluded. After that first meeting, he kept asking when we were going to hang out with her again. Another time, when we passed by where she lives, he said since we're in the area we should visit her. Another time when I mentioned she was down, he said he wanted to take her to lunch. He does not do this with any of my other friends... I also notice that he lights up when she enters the room or he sees her coming. He diid tell me that she has a "light" and that she was a good person. I felt like he liked her, so I confronted him about this early on in our relationship (it's been almost a year now) but he insists that he treats all my friends the same, and if he is trying to get to know her or anyone, it's for my sake. But I guess I feel even more anxious because when they do get together, he takes her side or does things for her rather than me. I don't know if this is normal, or if I'm just being selfish and demanding... But for instance, he'll take her side if there's an argument. One time, she told him about how she played a trick on me and and he told her it was brilliant even though I said that it was a little mean and I felt really dumb and picked on. Another example is that if I tell him about something on youtube, he'll dismiss it, but if she tells him about the same thing, he watches it immediately and will tell me it was hilarious. I also notice that if both of us tell him something, he'll take her suggestion. He also opens her doors first etc. I don't know. It could be that he's just being nice. I feel very hurt, but I don't want to make a big deal if it's nothing... I can't help but wonder though if he's into her but doesn't realize it?The added problem is that my friend also concerns me. She's always telling me that she wants to hang out with the both of us (rather than just me). Maybe that's normal, I don't know. But when we DO get together, i feel like she's different. I do notice that she acts different around guys in general, like she's more "bright" and flirty and laughs and randomly sings and dances (things like that). But on top of that, I just notice that when it's the three of us, she's trying to make me look bad. Yes, i could be imagining it, so I don't know... But I do feel attacked. If I tell a story, for example, she'll psychoanalyze me and tell me what my problem is based on what I said. This would be fine, except she doesn't do that when she doesn't normally say things like that to me when I'm alone with her. Or she'll just start telling my boyfriend embarrassing stories about me, making him laugh. Also, sometimes she and I take pictures together, but the last time we were supposed to take pictures she said she coudln't. The last time I hung out with her and my bf, he showed her how he keeps the pictures of us in his wallet, so she NOW is bothering me to take pictures again. I can''t help but feel like she likes that he has a picture of her, too. I dont' know. I think I just get hurt by both of them when they are together. I don't know if I'm just being sensitive or if there is some real reason for concern here. I don't think my boyfriend would cheat on me, and I don't think my friend would actually try to take him. But I DO know from her history that she loves male attention and will even try to get it from married men. If that's what it is, fine, but I just hate how i feel like she puts me down to look good in front of my boyfriend.What should I do? I've already mentioned this to my bf in the beginning of our relationship but I feel like it's getting worse. I don't want to keep harping on it and make it weird between the two of them either. And if my bf DOES like her, I don't want to keep being in a relationship that's just a lie. It just hurts a lot when i feel like she's being mean and when he ends up choosing her over me...
View related questions:
flirt, insecure, puts me down Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): Oh yah, they call people like this so called GF, Mate Poachers. They are deliberate and KNOW what they are doing. Very much like Serial Cheaters which I suspect your BF seems to be, in that he seems unable to be monogamous and unwilling to have healthy boundaries when it comes to acceptable, accountable emotional boundaries.
Seriously. Cut out the mate poacher. Focus on your relationship with BF, but if he continues to show way too much interest, cut the idiot loose.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): Trust your gut: this is not mere coincidence: shes delibeately trying to get him.
Distance yourself from her: do it subtely.
Try to not meet up with her anymore. Do not take more pics. This girl is not your friend. Shes a back stabber.
As for your bloody bf: dont break up with him YeT bec if u do they will def get together: are u sure they havnt yet?
Whatever u do: two can play this game. U know what shes up to so set her up FOR A BIG FALL.
Stop being so low and having no self esteem. Start believing in yourself and know that while u are with this bf, u can do even better. Dont hand him to her on a silver platter. Outplay her. Go into survival mode and get the better of her AND him
LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): I think this is definitely cause for concern, he obviously has a crush on her. it could be that some times two people have the right chemistry and maybe it's them rather than you and him. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it can happen and it's not your fault, it's just the way different people are.I would, however, seriously consider if you should stay friends with her because real friends shouldn't be putting you down, let alone to make themselves look good. she sounds pretty insecure if her personality is so different around guys just because she needs male attention that she'll do anything - even putting other people down - to make herself the center of attention.I think you should just leave them both alone, don't try to control your boyfriend or argue with him about this because if he has a crush on her it's not something you can control anyway. and she doesn't sound like a very good friend so I would distance myself from her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (16 November 2011):
 You need to find a new friend to hang out with. You don't have to make a big deal of it, but definately start being "too busy" to hang out with her; stop inviting her over there is definately sparks between her and your man and the more you include her the more you are playing with fire. If she stops coming around maybe he'll focus on you and forget about her. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): Okay I went through this. I'm younger than you BUT had the exact same "symptoms" - after my bf and I broke up for other reason, I asked him if he truly liked her, even though he'd claimed for 3 years that he didn't, though his body language hinted otherwise, and very blatantly he stated that yes, he did like her a lot and it was more than physical. AND then he pursued her. By that time, she was onto other guys and I wasn't her friend anymore, but I grew to resent BOTH of them. It was like a slap in my face that he hid it from me, while telling me he loved me. So really, I know it hurts. He probably does love you - no doubt. BUT he's OBVIOUSLY overstepping boundaries. And I would either call him out on it and her as well, or leave the relationship. His "I love yous" may be stated emptily to shut you up for the moment. Sounds like she likes the attention. Are you sure she's a very good friend?
...............................
A
female
reader, amenthyst3356 +, writes (16 November 2011):
I think you should take the pictures with her and give your bf different picture of just you to put in his wallet. Then start to limit your involvement with her.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): No. When you date someone you are committed to them and what he is doing is peacocking and falls into mimicing - thats when we are attracted to someone, we echo their thoughs, body language.
Why are you still dating him?
He should be supportive of you and interested in you to that degree.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): Talk with him and tell him what you're feeling and then make a decision whether or not to stay with him, otherwise he will just keep torturing you with his constant attention to her- he is too much of a coward to act on it and enough of a jerk to treat you this way.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): Hi, I'm the op. Thanks so much for your response seriously!
When I first brought it up to him in the beginning, he said no, he did not want to be with her and that he loves me. Even now, he always tells me he loves me. I can't help but dismiss the words coming out of his mouth when I see him actually light up when he sees her. He nearly got us into an accident because when he saw her on the street, he was trying to quickly park so we could say hi to her (on our way to meet up with her).
I just want to avoid sounding needy or insecure. I've hinted at this issue here and there, and I think he knows why it's on my mind because he always tells me that he loves me. So I don't know how to bring it up without him just automatically telling me he loves me.
And I just feel so ugly inside that I'm thinking this way about him and my friend. She's supposed to be my friend, too, but I can't help but think that she's happy that he wuold pick her over me. I mean just based on how she reacted to the picture itself... She's really bugging me now about meeting up for more pictures. And I just hate how she keeps putting me down in front of him.
I don't know if I want to break up with him... But it just hurts so much when I see how they are. I can't help but think they are better off together. Is that reason enough to break it off? I'm so confused...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): From everything you have said in your question, if I were in your shoes I would be worried too. It seems they have a lot of chemistry between them and I doubt anything is going on between them but perhaps they feel that had he not met you first they would be together.
The fact he has a pic of you and her in his wallet, well I wouldn't be happy to accept that, if he has a habit of having loads of friends photos in his wallet then it could be excused, but usually wallet space is reserved for bf,gf,spouse and children-not usually your girlfriends best mate. I think your best bet is to be completely upfront and say do you wish you were with her. If he doesn't like her at all he wouldn't mind never seeing her again, because he did say he was only getting to know her for your sake, so if you said you would prefer that there should be no issue.
I personally wouldn't feel happy continuing a relationship if my partner and friend acted like that. I would be grateful he only had a year of my time rather than more and do my best to move on. But only you can decide if that is right for you. Best of luck xxx
...............................
|
