A
female
age
51-59,
*onna
writes:I have been married 23 and have had a lot of trust problems with my husband. he as looked at porn for years and i have found dating sites on his phone. i myself have cheated due to me feeling i was not good enough for him and i would never have a body like the porn stars have. it was my birthday recently and our children have booked a spa treatment for the two of us. for my husband they booked for him and me to go to a motor bike race. our younger son wants to do different things for our birthday instead of always buying the same things like perfume, chocolate, t shirts etc and he and our other two children club together to pay for us both to do these things together. now i wished they hadn't. im worried that the women at the spa will be good looking and my husband will be so happy to think that they are touching him. i know i am really insecure because of seeing the porn he as looked at and knowing that women are so much prettier then me. i know we are going there to relax and get treatments and its not a sex place but it still worries me. i have no one else to go with. i made a joke to my husband that he will be happy about getting touched by the women and he said, no thanks. but i know he is lying to me. we wont get the money back if we cancel and i don't really want to go alone but this is making me feel anxious. he as denied he as ever been with another woman but i think he as and to know that another woman will be touching him is making me worry about going and knowing that it will be making him so happy to be getting touched by a young woman. i wished it was a man who was doing the treatments but no such luck and even if he was i don't think my husband would be insecure like i am. what can i do. the treatment is for 3 hours. i mentioned about using the pool to my husband to have a swim and he did not look please and said about getting a facial or massage. i know he is looking forward to going to it but im not. what can i do about how i feel. he knows i am insecure and suffer from anxiety mostly because of what he as done to me with looking at porn for years and saying he will stop but never as and seeing the date sites on his phne history.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2019): Answer is he is not going with me and I not even sure if I will go. I emailed the spa to see of I could get a refund but they haven't been bothered to reply Which was two weeks ago so I either refund my kids or not go at all.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2019): What a tiring and exhausting way to live! And I say this because I’ve been through a period like this too. And I remember it was exhausting. At some point I realized that I couldn’t be the one who had to always keep my eyes open and worry and wonder.... either I needed to trust the person, or if I couldn’t, then I needed to leave the relationship. So I left. And when I did, such a burden was lifted! And don’t get me wrong, I needed to work on trusting people who were deserving of my trust.. I’m not saying that you should leave your husband. And I’m not saying that leaving will even solve all your problems, because you’ll have to learn to be trusting of people who deserve your trust. But I AM saying that living the way you do with these trust issues is just unnecessarily exhausting. I think short term, don’t go to the spa with your husband. Just go alone. So what it’s a wasted treatment if you can’t find another person. It’s really not worth the mental stress to endure such a day especially if the day will inevitably end in a fight. Your husband should be understanding that it’s your birthday and you want to relax and not be stressed. Your children should also understand. If they don’t, explain it to them. And work on what you’ll do going forward because what is happening is not healthy for you or your husband.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2019): I am really sorry you are going through this, and believe me you are not alone. This is a really common issue with couples nowadays. I agree with you and the other poster that porn is not healthy to a relationship and I know firsthand how insecure it can make us women feel. How can we compare to fake plastic-surgeried ladies who have been made to be perfect? But with that being said, I *do* think that men are still attracted to the real thing- the woman they fell in love with. Unfortunately porn is just pervasive right now with computers being SO accessible for porn, I do believe it is hard for men NOT to look, when the temptation is so available at the click of one button. That doesn't make it right or acceptable, but it makes it a very common problem. Does he know how you feel about it? Has he made any effort to reduce and/ or quit using it? As for the dating sites on your husband's phone, could they have just been pop-ups from the porn sites? Or are you SURE that he actually looked them up? Because I believe a lot of those sites are pop-ups when looking at porn and they just come up. So that is an important difference. Has he ever signed on to a dating site? Did he look this dating site up before OR after you cheated? These are big issues to figure out with open talks...don't attack while he is talking or you won't get the full story. Ask questions and listen, and react later. I am sorry to hear that you cheated and I understand you were not in a good place with your marriage but I think it likely caused more problems than solved. Is your husband aware of the cheating and why it happened? He is probably going to be less willing to make changes to his bad behaviours now that you have crossed a major line. Unfortunately, bad behaviour begets more bad behaviour. Looking at porn, while wrong in my opinion, and possibly a form of cheating, is not the same as actually physically cheating...so you added to the lack of trust by taking it one step further. And this may also have opened the door to him cheating in retaliation. Anyway- on to the situation at hand. I do completely understand your hesitancy about spas! Honestly I don't think you are paranoid, I think it is natural to have a bit of reluctance. I would worry about the same things, because IMO it is somewhat uncomfortable to have other woman touch and massage and be doing these intimate things, as well as the whole environment with people not wearing too much in close quarters. So yah, if I was in the situation I would worry a bit about it, but I would probably go anyway and suck it up.I mean, you will be there the whole time and obviously it won't cross any major lines. I think you need to mentally prepare and be realistic that likely he will be checking out women there wearing not too much as any other man would be to some extent. Remind yourself that men are men and they will look, at least a little bit....it is their instinct and it doesn't mean anything too serious. It doesn't mean he wants to cheat. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. So my advice to you is to go and try to relax about it and accept that there will be attractive women there and he will probably notice but that is not very important in the grand scheme of things. Focus on you. You ARE good enough, you are beautiful even if you can't see it right now. Go have the experience and you don't have to go again if it proves upsetting. Best of luck
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (19 October 2019):
 What a shame you are having these feelings when you should be looking forward to enjoying such a thoughtful and generous gift from your children. The spa, I think, the least of your problems. I think you have to take some ownership that your decision to cheat because of your insecurities, not only a poor one but given your husband fair ground to be feeling, in some way, the same way you do about him. As for his porn, thats not cool and feeds ones insecurity and I feel it is a form of cheating. Not everyones opinion I know, but for me it is not as harmless as people make out it is in some cases. His dating site history, IMO is an example of one of those cases.Are they linked, maybe maybe not. Do you two make the time to discuss how you both are feeling and have you confronted him about the dating issue? That is where i think you need to start with the 'what gives' with that? Either way, if you have an intelligent and honest talk about it I think you would benefit greatly from some relationship intervention. You should not be worried about the spa masseuse being a woman because they are professionals and not slightly interested sexualising or being sexualised by their clients. Lets face it, Im in a relationship but if i were getting a massage from some hot diggity dog buff young bloke, Id be pretty happy about that but that does not mean anything other than i was lucky to have been massaged by a hot diggity dog bloke for an hour. You sound so down on yourself both in looks and confidence how about being a little healthy selfish. What I mean by that is focus on all your good qualities- YES YOU HAVE THEM, and work on the other things like a personal spruce up. A new wardrobe, hair cut, lose a few pounds if you need to, get a do over etc. Spend some time on yourself- for yourself. Most of all, I would seriously invest the time in seeking some personal counselling. Nothing to do with him, just for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2019): I highly doubt anyone who has not experienced your anxiety about this will understand but being another women your age who has been in the exact same position I understand . My husband has a big interest in poem and it’s slmost almost women who are 18-25 . It’s scsolutely crushing when that’s the age of our daughters. Everybody knows that anything one wants is available on porn but clearly women his own age , MY age are of little interest to him . This is usually where the chorus pipes up ‘ but he’s with you !!! If he wanted them he’d be with them , which is almost laughable . Very very few men my age can score the porn star 20 year old of their dreams and most have to settle for what they can get . So no, it’s not a great feeling being with someone knowing he’s dreaming of everything your not sexually but settling for you. Makes you feel like a bit a a sex device just used to release into whilst he imagines his dream girl . Sadly it seems many men put little value on shared memories of women’s personalities brains or life experience and care more about youth and a firm body. My honest advice is don’t take him if it makes you feel uncomfortable . Personally I was also given a spa date as a gift and I took my porn loving husband . It only left me feeling more detached from him and more certain he wants everything I’m not . More certain he had not one nostalgic none for any of the years we spent together and would trade it in a heartbeat for a moment with a younger women . Staying with him is making me lose respect for myself and that’s been a big wake up call for me personally and is leading me to make some different decisions for my future . It may end up lonely but at least I’m not lonely together with a man who devalues me because of my age . That’s my personal thoughts . Perhaps go with him to the spa . If nothing else it will give you the opportunity to see the real him and decide if that’s what you want for the rest of your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2019): I know in a different scenario how you feel to a certain extent. My younger brother got engaged to be married and planned a wedding with over three hundred people attending. I'm 46 years old, I hate large crowds and quite honestly spent a year fretting about people I didn't want to see, the amount of people I felt I would be uncomfortable around and that at my age I would look old and ugly compared to the women there. You know what all that worrying wasn't worth it, I got a gorgeous outfit, I had my hair and makeup done and I got told I looked great. Here is my advice to you, treat yourself to swimwear that you will feel as confident as you can in, get your nails done and embrace your age and beauty because I dont buy you're ugly at all. As for the women doing the massage stuff, they are professional women who work in a reputable establishment, they will not be trying to do anything other than their job, your husband will not play up there with them. Look at ways to boost your confidence, please try not to worry because it wont be as bad as you are imagining, your children have treated their mum, they want you to enjoy their present, dont let anyone or anything take away the thoughtful gesture from them.Take care sweetheart x
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