A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm trying to figure out if my relationship is good for me or not, me and my boyfriend have had a fair few disagreements, we do usually talk it through sensibly and both feel good afterwards.But there has been one topic that keeps coming back, and we got talking over a week ago, and we just went round in circles for a few hours, and went to bed, and it came up again a few days later, and basically went in circles again. I have felt de-spirited ever since.We just spent a weekend together away from home, at some family's' house playing lots of sports and being active in the fresh air, and relaxing. I'm back and feeling low and hopeless again. Moving in together is something we are working towards, but I say I don't want to move in together until we are secure and comfortable with and around eachother.We are working through some trust issues.I also feel our maturity levels are not matched enough yet. I worry he is a bit naive, and could easily get himself into silly drunken situations, i'm not sure I trust him to handle it, if a girl is giving him attention, he can become quite soppy, and lead the situation on. I'm not comfortable with his boundaries with girls, what is 'OK' he thinks if its a female friend, he doesn't look at them like a sex object. (Yet I can sense his attraction and flirtation with one or two of them. I worry when he is drunk, these boundaries get fuzzy, and he might do something he regrets.I just want to understand his view on boundaries and how he understands it, but he never has an answer so i can only guess he hasn't thought about what boundaries mean and why they exist. I guess it concerns me.I just worry he isn't open and honest all the time. I'm just not at complete ease with US. I guess I got hurt at one of his lack of boundaries once before, which to me was borderline cheating.Do you think i'm making a big deal? How do I get get out of my lull? I sense he feels rejected while I am like this, he likes a lot of affection and kisses from me, which I find real hard to do when I'm down. I am cuddly still, but i'm just not lovey dovey, I tend to become a little distant.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): This is what I keep asking myself, and him. I don't know how long to try to see if my trust issues fade away. (its not fun for either of us) I also don't like who I am when I am upset with him, I sound "jealous/insecure" because I should just get that he can spend time cosied up in the corner of a swanky new bar with one of the girls drinking every cocktail on the menu til midnight. (i'm invited so long as i suck it up and try harder to get on with Miss Frosty, for his sake) I should understand he can have sexual nicknames for female friends, and stay over cooking and drinking all night, and making breakfast together the next morning. He didn't used to get why that upset me. because they are "friends" i respond - yes ok friends but "female friends, drinking, staying over= me feeling very uncomfortable" "catching up with female friends in public places or in groups = great" not saying don't ever see them. I don't want to have to point this out to someone and ask them to meet my boundary' for me, this is a given? These are the kind of boundaries i worry about, he now says he completely understands, and when he puts the boot on the other foot, he is an idiot for expecting that, yet he says he can't change his friends, he will just try to adjust to more appropriate evenings, not getting smashed alone.I worry if he really means this, or not. I just can't tell what he truly thinks fair boundaries are. The only example he has given me, is 'if im on holiday with the 'team' then I won't join in on skinny dipping in the pool after nights out, because i wouldn't like hearing you were naked in a pool with drunk guys.I don't know how to decide, I hope the answer just becomes clear, without wasting a handful of more months. we are on the brink of booking a holiday for november, and its stressing me out incase I don't get my happy spirit back soon. Maybe end of the year could be a good timeline for me to decide if I've been more happy or more sad?? Or maybe if it seems clear to everyone else, maybe i should just finish now, and get on with the breakup phase.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (27 August 2013):
I don't think you're overreacting AT ALL. I don't know a solution to your problem, which leads me to this: at what point do you decide that you're not with the right person to spend the rest of your life with?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): I hear you, although i'm not carrying any baggage, I've had 2 relationships prior to this one, I didn't come out of any of them hurt due to them cheating or lying. The first one I was too young and wanted to leave and do my own thing, the second was a more serious relationship, but some other issues got in the way, but we didn't end on a bad note, just we didn't nurture the relationship, and the spark died. He is still a friend.With this guy, I had an open mind, until I realised he was a bit too close with one or two of the girls, one he seemed to have a thing for and did for a few months put her first, he would literally finish our time to go spend time with her, cooking, drinking, partying, without inviting me, even had sexual nicknames with her, even went behind my back and did drugs with her. (i broke up at this point) The other girl I worry about, my boyfriend also has a soft spot for, this girl over past 2 years i've been around, has barely said hi hows the weather and grunts to any of my questions, so I feel uncomfortable when they go out together, infact hitting on resentment territory, because every time I have tried to go along (one more time) I've come away feeling sad a) im excluded from group photos b)they talk old times mostly c)im barely made eye contact with, I wonder why she is frosty with me. Back near day 1, I was very open and warm to get to know everyone.The rest are harmless (there are a lot of females), but these two have caused most pain throughout the relationship. Which has led me struggling to gain back 100% trust, and question everything. I'm exhausted. I'm a fighter and never give up though. I'm just trying to see through the fog, and figuring out if im in a losing battle or not. He is still willing. I'm just losing hope.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): I think you both are immature to some degree. You're far from ready to move in together, until you overcome your issues with trust.
If you have trust issues, that might be with any man. That is where you are immature. No one can guarantee they will never make a mistake. You can't guarantee that yourself.
Things happen unexpectedly. Humans sometimes make a wrong choice, or make a slip. That is not an excuse, that is a fact.
You may find yourself in a particular situation that may compromise your relationship somehow. You would want to be trusted alone, and you would want to have the option to make friends of both genders outside your relationship. That requires "his" trust.
You should both remain living apart, until you both can deal with those issues that keep you at odds with each other. I consider his issue with drinking a huge red-flag.
Take that into serious consideration.
If he can't respond to questions that you have, that means he doesn't want to. He is afraid he would be making a promise that he will never make a mistake. You're childish if you expect anyone can promise you they'll never make a mistake. However; you already know his flaws. So why are you putting him through all this. You should seriously consider ending it. He hasn't proven himself to have the strengths you seem to desire in a man.
You probably think because you're female you'll never cheat, or be tempted by another guy. That is unrealistic thinking. Women cheat too. All it takes is the right person to tempt them. No one is immune to temptation.
So live apart, and continue dating as long as you both are attracted to each other. Work out your issues and work on your own personal issues. If you fight too much. You are incompatible, and you'll be making a mistake to move in together.
If you're looking for a guy who can promise he will never ever be sexually attracted to another woman, or be tempted even if only in his mind; you are very immature in your thinking. You will never find anyone that can promise you that. Actions speak louder than words; even if you get him to promise you he'll behave.
If you go into any relationship with insecurities, you will only kill it. Don't blame that on anyone else, but yourself.
No one is responsible for curing you of your own weaknesses or trust issues. You must seriously get that under control before you subject any other person to it. That's your problem to deal with. Not anyone else.
If you don't trust men, find out why all men must bear the punishment for a few bad choices you've made in the past.
You'll be going from one broken relationship to the next; if you think men can't commit to you, and promise you that you're the only woman on the planet he's attracted to. I am fairly addressing your post for both sides for a reason.
Trust goes two ways in a relationship. He is taking as much of a risk with you, as you're taking with him. You could suddenly just fall out of love with him. It can, and has, happened in many relationships.
I really don't believe your distrust is isolated to your present boyfriend; I believe it is for men in general; due to bad experiences with men in your past.
Don't make yourself uncomfortable if this guy shows obvious signs of weakness and immaturity. Maybe you're right in this case. Do what you may have failed to do in the past, and just let him go and move on.
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