A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:i need help as i dont know what to do, my husband of 24yrs has been distant and just not the same, he used to say " if i only knew how much he loved me" and be a wonderful loving man, he always wanted sex more than me but i have always enjoyed it, as the yrs have gone by we did seem to have less sex, when the menopause kicked in i became very dry and soon went to the drs for help and over time that is now alot better BUT my man is coming up 60 and feels life is passing him by, he has gone off sex, not much i do can arouse him, then when we were at a family wedding he had a text from a lady who works for him ( i borrowed his 2nd phone ( yes he now has 2)she hoped he was enjoying his weekend with his family and how she was getting her hair cut and other things she was doing and signed with a kiss, well I showed my husband who promptly said he didnt think that was a text to worry about but he then said but if it bothers you i have deleted it ( in a sarcastic tone)I then said whats going on , nothing he says, he didnt want me to call her as he said ive got it all wrong and she would leave if she thought i thought something was going on, we have tried to talk about how hes feeling but he just says we should do more together ( which we are) and he says for us to just be close, he says he just feels yuk, he even wondered if its the male menopause, we are going on a 3 wk holiday in a few mnths and I feel he is waiting to see how we get on before he makes any decision, he nearly said that but stopped, now i dont know whether to try and find out about this woman, he never goes out apart from work ( his choice) or just leave it and see how our holls go, he still kisses me hello and goodbye and goodnight but i just feel hes pretending, i feel so sick all the time, in the pit of my stomach, after a few wks i tentatively ask how hes feeling these days and he gets annoyed, we were once so close, best friends, now he cant talk to me about what ever it is.I asked about the woman he just said he works with her and talks about things going on (like his nerves at the wedding speech he had to give)he said hes never slept with anyone or kissed, im a slim young looking lady who looks after him very well and like to do it. But now i have these doubts. What shall I do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI cant do anything with his computer as its at work which is an hour away from home and no chance of me being able to go there, his mob and the sim you mentioned, not sure what you mean or how to do anything with it, its glued to his pocket all the time, im not very PC i'm afraid, can text and talk on my own mobile but thats about it, its an age thing, I have decided ( at least today i have ) to go back to being my usual happy-go-lucky self( a moaning sad and upset wife isnt the person I want to be thats for sure)I feel hes going through more anguish than me to be honest, he wants to feel the same about me BUT this woman is someone who is different from the same old life, maybe someone who is More interested in what he has to say and hangs on his every word,( this is what i think is happening)I'm not unattractive and men do show an interest in me and I might just drop that point into his mind, please keep the advice coming folks as it is really helping me, even writing this is a huge help.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your answers guys, i know i have a lot to think about, i always thought i would be safe with this husband, its both our second marriage, my 1st one also cheated on me so i divorced him and was left with 3 children to bring up,my 1st lasted 15yrs, my husband now was also in a bad marriage and was living apart when i met him, he knows how devastated i was at the betrayal and spoilt me and helped me through and then we fell in love, he was married for 16yrs with 2 children, they are all grown up now with children, we all get on but my man has never really bonded well with my kids or grandkids i feel, he is a very private man, he just never seem to enthuse about much in life, but i love him, the woman in question is a widow with a boyfriend so he says, he has a work email address and can keep anything he doesnt want me to know about there, I did manage to check his mobs last week and everything said deleted, and all home email is deleted so difficult to check anything. Didnt think this would be part of this stage of my life, You never know, will think carefully about what to do next, please keep any advice coming.
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A
male
reader, Bobito +, writes (8 September 2010):
 Hello, darling.
It's difficult for anyone to say what's going on. I don't know your husband but you certainly do. You say there has been a change in his behaviour and this bothers you; furthermore, some woman sent him a text (which bothered you as well). Well... this is enough for anyone to consider taking some action.
Now, what can you do about it?
1) You can ignore it. Your husband may be going through some physical as well as psychological change and that may justify his behaviour. Maybe he had the same feelings of being neglected when you went through menopause. How will you feel if you just ignore what's beeen going on for a while? Odds are that you'll still think about it, and there's very few things that feel worse than doubting about one's own life companion.
2) You can (discreetly) investigate his behaviour. There are several ways of doing so: phone bills, anything that you can find in his pockets, and so on. How will you feel? If you discover that he's been cheating on you, you will feel horrible. If you discover that he's been faithful all the while, you'll feel horribly guilty.
What is that you dread the most? Suffering? Well, it seems to me that even now you're not very happy about your relationship. Ignoring the situation will make you feel better in the short term but it'll consume you in the long term. Investigating will make you feel horrible in the short term but you'll eventually know what's really happening between you and your husband.
Of course your husband's feeling are also to be taken into account.
Maybe you're looking for someone to push you into making one specific decision. That's up to you. Just consider the outcome of either choice sensibly. Do you have anything to lose now that the seed of doubt's rooting in your mind?
I wish you good luck.
Rob
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