A
female
age
51-59,
*L1003
writes:Hi,A little background:I'm in a long-distance relationship where I temporarily live in China for work and my boyfriend in US. I've known him for 4 years (before moving to China) as great friends and co-workers. We started dating 6 months ago. We both say we love each other very much and both said we're soulmates. We communicate daily through WhatsApp. We always say we miss each other terribly. We're both in our 40's and mature enough to know not to invest our emotions or waste time with something like this if we didn't feel it was worth it. So we seem to be on the same page.Onto the problem:I usually text him when I wake up which is around 4pm his time (13 hr time difference). This morning I did not bc I was in a car accident last night. He did end up texting me saying good morning, etc since he hadn't heard from me. I text him about an hour after on my way home from being in clinic after accident. I was unable to text before. It wasn't major accident and I'm ok just sore and really tired. The problem I'm having is I text him back telling him what happened and I haven't heard back from him. This is what I sent:_______________________Hi sweetie. My friend Jen and I were in car accident yesterday evening with her driver. Been overnight in clinic. I'm ok but really sore, fractured rib from seatbelt. She didn't have seatbelt on and got tossed around. Hit my head on window so bad headache. Possible slight concussion why overnight in hospital.I'm ok for the most part but really tired and having trouble staying awake...pain meds too making it hard for me to focus. Sorry to cut communication short today. I miss u and will catch up w u tomorrow love._______________________I plan on texting him when he wakes up, but I'm wondering why I never heard from him. I'm kind of hurt by it. Did he read my last line saying I'll catch up with him tomorrow and figured he'd wait until he hears from me? Or am I over-analyzing thinking he just doesn't care or maybe even upset I didn't text him sooner since it was daytime for him? I'm really worried about this and don't want to be. I'm simply not sure how to react or if I should be hurt or if I should react at all? Help...what should I do?
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male
reader, hany  +, writes (11 January 2016):
 Hello DL1003 ..I'm sorry for your accident and hope you feel better soonfrom my point of view what is the first thing to do when you hear about (anyone a neighbor, co-worker, one of your relatives or a friend) had accident?he should ask about you or wish to you good and better or something like that immediately, and leave a note to message him after you walk up because he wants to call you and listen to your voice or somethingthenafter that he waits for your next message after you walk up and hold yourself a little and message him againand what makes me wondering that you said you were coworker for four years so you know each other for yearsare you sure that he's OK? may be he's in trouble or had some bad circumstancesand if not he has no excuse for not messaging youand i think you must wait for his next messagei wish things will be better between you and him soon again
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 January 2016):
 "Is that being needy ?" ... Good question; and hard to answer.
Because , if you ask ME, based on my opinion and personality, and/or how I would act in your place, I have to say : yes, that's being needy.
Then again, we all have different levels of physical, emotional and material needs. We all have different things we " need " ( between brackets , because it's more a want than a need ) to feel fulfilled , comfortable, secure, gratified. For you that may be abundant texting,- for another woman it may be instead lots of gifts, or lots of sex, or lots of compliments, or lots of help in practical matters... we all are somewhat needy in our own peculiar way , and it wbeould diffcult , and superficial too, for me to decide what's TOO needy based on a few lines of post.
I'd suggest therefore of shifting the focus from " not being needy " to " recognizing your needs and communicating them in a clear, effective way ".
Which, you clearly are not doing.
It boils down to the fact that : you had an accident, you were a bit shocked and upset, you needed ( or wanted ) a bit of coddling, a bit of extra affection, a bit of " kiss my booboo away ". And what's wrong with that ? Nothing !, after all, not everyday one has car accidents and ends up at the E.R. with a suspected concussion.
BUT : he did not know that and no, it's not intuitive for everybody , and yes, he is ( and most men are .... ) very literally-minded and not very good at reading between the lines. If you say , like you said, : had accident, am fine now, just with big headache and falling half asleep , talk tomorrow : what you are conveying is that you are over the accident and just NEED to be left alone to rest and recover, and when you'll be in fine fettle YOU will call first.
He did just what you wanted... or, what you SAID you wanted, just it wasn't true .
Had you said instead: You know, I had an accident, and although physically I am Ok, I got so scared, and I still feel so upset, and realizing that if anything happens to me I have to face it on my own, made me miss you even more than usual. I really feel lonely and vulnerable, and I need you , I need to hear your voice ".
Ok, so maybe I made this a bit too tragic compared to the circumstances ; never good being too maudlin.
But- if you feel vulnerable and scared and need comfort and TLC- just say " I am this and that, and I need this and that "- rather than saying , I am cool, talk to you soon, ....and then smarting inside because he can't read your moods from a continent of distance :)
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A
female
reader, DL1003 +, writes (10 January 2016):
DL1003 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your wonderful feedback. I guess when you're in a long-distance thing insecurities do come up sometimes. I'm definitely more 'wordy' than he is when it comes to text. I think it's probably a woman thing. It's strange how something scary like an accident makes you want to be close to those you love most. Or at least FEEL close. I guess that's all I was wanting. Is that being needy?
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (9 January 2016):
 I agree with the others.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 January 2016):
Nothing, or, actually, exactly what in your text you said you were going to do : catch up with him tomorrow.
In your message you said that you had been in an accident but basically OK ( so he knows it's nothing really serious and he is not too worried ) but , most of all, you tell him that you are tired, have a bad headache, are under meds and have trouble staying awake ; and that anyway YOU will contact him Tomorrow.
Now , does this seem to you a message inviting approaches and conversations and chitchats??
He must have took it literally and have assumed, very reasonably, that if you say you are very tired , and barely coherent, and will get in touch asap,- he'd better leave you get some rest and wait for you giving him your news, just as you said you were going to do.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (9 January 2016):
First, sorry to hear about your accident and I hope you feel better soon. To be honest, I think he’s read it and is giving you the space you asked for. Your text, to me, clearly shows that you don’t want to talk tonight so he is respecting that. True, you probably wouldn’t have minded even one response and if it were me I would have replied to say I’d received it and would talk more tomorrow, but I understand completely why he hasn’t. If this relationship is otherwise fine, I think you’re making a lot of this because you’re tired and stressed. Get some rest and things will look different the next day.
I wish you all the very best.
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