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male
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anonymous
writes: I have been married for 16 years. Unfortuneately as I grow older and after having somewhat raised the kids (4, I am finding more and more that my wife and I do not really have much in common. I work over 78 hours a week at a full time job, my own business and consulting on the side. My wife has worked either little or part time since our second child was born. I am an emotional person and certainly caring, I have a friend I helped through a severe phsyc problem and went through his 4 attempts at suicide, my Father was missing 10 days after hurricane Katrina, I had another friend pass away a few weeks ago, my 7 year old son was rushed to an emergency room, then had to have surgery after a fall, all this happend in the last 18 months, I feel drained. The friend with the physc. problem has recently left under my wing, after 18 months of hekping him, keeping him safe, and being there to guide him, I was relived and felt a great sign of relief. Unforntunately it left me numb inside, I really don't care for anything right now with any monetary value, my drive to continue workling is still strong (not sure why, other than it occupies my time I guess?), I look at my wife as a not so caring person who does not support me. She has made joking comments about the poeple I help in my life, even with so much, she would not be so kind to give anything of value to anyone. I am the person who you would see on a highway changing a tire for a person or giving a college student gas money to get home for the holidays and not ask for anything in return. I know marrige is a sacred bond, I think mine is over and is it wrong to just want happiness and support for my feelings as a person? To make a point, on at least 5 occasions I have been flirted with and asked to spend the night with women, including friends of my wife and have not once given in. As a matter of fact the last time was the first of the year and it shook me up so bad I had to speak to the pastor of my church about it. In each of the cases I made it a point to be polite and blow the whole thing off and cautiously avoid the person. Hard to do sometimes, but the right choice as a married man in my eyes.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2006): Communication problems are what I see. Either you, your wife, or both have avoided confronting the root causes of your relationship problem for so long that all both of you can see is a dead marriage. Stop hiding in this forum and get some counselling - if not with your wife then for your family's sake at least for yourself.
You may think you're nice, but just who are you being nice to? I'm a nice guy too, and extremely considerate, but I save as much of it for my family as possible. I learned a long time ago that spreading around the niceness makes the ones I love, the ones that really count, feel neglected. This is exactly what you are doing, and it is SELFISH. Why? You seem to crave the gratification that comes from helping others. This may be a symptom of the root cause for your failing marriage.
My wife did a great thing early on in our relationship. When I let my niceness get out of hand she would force me to choose between family or my latest injured bird. We've been together for 16 years now, and my life is much simpler without all of those injured birds to care for.
If you cannot ditch the injured birds, your marriage is doomed but worse than this, you'll never find inner happiness because you'll always feel your self-worth is tied to having injured birds to care for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2006): You and your wife have grown apart, emotionally and she has become 'indifferent'. And you are hurting as a result. Indifference destroys marriages and kills love, over the long term. Sadly, it is a part of the human condition. When we confront our spouses with his/her behaviour, they can act as if it 's unexpected, but I will say it's always an option and a clearcut choice, on their part. Marriage is a place where a silent, passive meanness can really cut loose, for we can often treat those closest to us poorly without being aware of it. I feel this is what your wife is doing. You need to overcome this pain because you feel resentful and put upon. I don't blame you. If you want to save your marriage, your family and ensure a happy future for your kids, you and she need to agree to get into some intensive marriage counseling. I would recommend finding a good marriage and family therapist with emphasis on honest communication skills, respect (for you), and ways to renew what you once had. You both need to rediscover the wonderful reasons why you 'love' each other. All marriages hit hard times but it take two willing adults to make it work. All those old married couples who have made it together for many years, will tell you both that this is where the marriage really begins. How you both learn to handle your differences will over time set the tone for your marriage, and your family for the future. Your marriage is undergoing a test. I hope for the sake of your kids and the life you two have built together, that you both pass this test. It will damned hard work, lots of sweat and tears and a life-long process. She will have to participate to make this work. It takes two so it's crucial you sit her down and tell her exactly how you feel. Give it your best and keep holding your family together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI honestly love her, always fell that I will. But, the level of love for a marriage is not there anymore. I am certainly confused by it, but not blinded to see that all that I have given and provided has been done without the same level of respect and appreciation. Someone asked if either us had been unfaithful, she would not, I would never (no matter what Dr. Phil says).
Here is a picture of my daily routine;
Up @ 7:15am, we both get the kids ready, I drive them to school, then I go to work.
5:00PM - Off work, stop by the house. Cook a little dinner, help with homework, do a few dishes, maybe vacuum and then leave @ 6:30 to run my business.
9:30PM - Come home, eat dinner/snack, watch the news and got to sleep by 11:00PM. House is a mess.
My wife's daily:
7:15am - Kids up, help them get ready for school, late for work at 8:00am (every day, blamed it on the kids so now I take them with me).
1:00PM - Off work, eat lunch (usually at home). Then lay in bed and watch SOAPS, OPRAH, and Dr. PHIL.
3:15Pm - Pick Kids up from school, get them a snack, return to the bedroom and watch more recorded daytime shows.
5:15PM - Husband comes home, says "Hello" stays in room.
6:30PM - Husband leaves for work again, says "Goodbye" goes back to room.
8:30PM - Kids to bed.
9:30PM - Husband home, says "Hello" stays in room still watching TV, husband checks on kids. Turns TV on in living room, eats and apple, watches the news (maybe a TV show or two) then in bed by 11:00PM.
**Not sure where the routine came from. I guess it eventually comes out after a few years. My total time at work now is 62 hours a week (down from 78-80). Now I do get some free time if I plan ahead. She can, and does leave the house quite frequently with friends to hang out and shop. My 14 year old daughter watches the kids when she is gone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFrom Poster of question:
No my wife is not mean, I think she is just pulled as far away from me as I am her. Mr. Wonderful? Depends on the definition, I am home every night, I do most of the cooking, I do the homework with the kids, I am a scout leader, have only missed 2 of my kids events in school (ever), I call my Mother, Grandmother and Father at least once a week, I would give anyone the shirt off my back at the drop of a dime,(even though I work hard, money, and possessions do not comfort me as much as friendship and love), I cry at funerals, weddings and when I hear my kids sing in plays. I have saved the lives of 4 people before, twice risking my own. I married the first girl I fell in love with (not the first I dated) and gave her everything she wanted and needed. Every night I am at home, I do not run out with friends, do not drink (or smoke). I always kiss my wife when I go to bed at night, when I wake up in the morning, and when I leave for work. I call on my lunch hour everyday to see how her day is going. SEX? 2-4 times a week (still at 37 years old). I may not be the perfect man and I assure you I do not want to be, but I am confused and am just trying to figure out why things are like they are. Working hard is not a crime, I work within 1 mile of my home for 60 hours a week, and provide quite well for a family of six. 2 cars paid for (2000 models), a new 2005 Van, 1/2 the loan paid on the home, an apartment house. One thing we realized eraly was that in the city it would be incredibly difficult to raise more than 2 children on 1 solid income, so we moved to a small town. My drive for work is there to survive, I am just working at what ever I can to put food on the table. Sorry, not like the movies, no jet, no big office, and no secretary, just me and a little $4.00 coffee every once and a while to keep me going. I see examples all around me of guys who do not get off the couch on the weekend, are either working or not during the week, and sit there with a wife and kids and wonder why they can't fix the broken down car in the driveway. In this area (strange) the women seem to work harder than the men. I look at these guys and think all the time, this will never be me, no matter what. My wife will not work 2 jobs so I can sit on the couch. Sorry to seem to rant, I just do not know where the median is when it comes to work.
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female
reader, Angel ron +, writes (12 May 2006):
 Well you say you are a wondeffully nice guy and your wife isn't I some how do not beleive that this is true Iam sure your wife is also a nice person too but have thought about talking to her perhaps she is under a lot oif stress. learn not to judge but lis6ten. personao hapiness vomes last pout your kids and your marriage first if you want advice go to relatre or martriage guidsnce conseilling for help. But beleive me everybody thinks my bloke is a nice man but he isn/t everybody thinks iam the nasty person but iam not. So do not judge a book by its cover.Talk to your wife do not be unkind to her
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female
reader, cfliberal +, writes (12 May 2006):
I think your wife is justifiably resentful at the amount of time you spend away from home. You say your wife has "worked little or part time" since your second child was born. She was raising your children during that time while you were working at the office! She may come across to you as not being "nice" because she wishes you would show her the kindness and compassion you have time to give others.
You need to make your marriage a priority now. Just because your kids are not babies doesn't mean that they don't need a full-time father in their lives. Cut back on your hours at work, make time to have some fun with your wife, and get to know each other again. Over the years, I'm sure you have both changed and grown. Yet something drew you together and caused you to have children. The kids need a stable relationship with their father to give them security. Your wife needs a husband who cherishes her. The question is whether you're willing to make the time commitment necessary to be that man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFrom Poster of issue:
I honestly try to keep up with her and comfort her. When I ask her to do something, the is too tired of too busy. She gets more exited to see her friends come by and ask her to do things (and will, at the drop of a dime). I work most weekends and her favorite line is I am just going to stay around the house and do a few things, she is out every weekend doing one thing or another while I work. It just seems hard to try and keep pleasing her, when she is not responsive to me, nor standing behind me in my decssions. This is what I see most of the time, I am at work trying to keep up with customers on the weekend, throuhg the door I see my 4 kids come in to tell me my wife is on the way somewhere and I am to watch them, then they are there 2-4 hours at a time, my wife will not even come in and talk to me, ask how the day is going etc. I guess I fell more used than anything, where's the checkbook, here's the kids, I am off to the mall, and don't forget to keep working all weekend so I can do it again next week! OUCH!
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female
reader, giggles +, writes (11 May 2006):
I noticed whilst reading through that you mentioned your wife only a couple of times.Maybe she would be more caring of other people if you spent as much time caring for her, She probably can't stand the fact that you spend most of your time at work and the rest of it sorting out other peoples lifes.You have two children and a wife who is probably desperate for you to show her attention and praise for bringing up your children full time.
It also seems that you are trying hard not to confront your own problems with your own realtionship by denying that there are any hence why you want to make other people happy.Stop trying to come across as Mr.Wonderful in everyone elses eyes and bring that person back to your wife.Just try and have a look at what you do with your time and what your wife does with hers and see if you would be happy if you were her. good luck
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