A
female
age
36-40,
*arlakins08
writes:Hello Well, I'm going to admit this on DC because I don't think I can say it out loud. I have been with my boyfriend for two years. He looks at porn pretty much every time I leave the house. I know because the history on his computer is always erased. He also has a ridiculous amount of porn on his hard drive. I used to be ok with this until our sex life started slowing down and he got more and more lazy in the bedroom. I talked to him about it and he said it's just because times have been stressful and he denied looking at porn as much as I accused him of. The issue is, I have now started to with hold sex from him in some kind of passive aggressive attempt to show him my anger. I have even suggested to take a break from sex for a few months to allow us to re group and then we can start again. He got upset with me and said that that idea was ridiculous. I guess where my question comes in, is how can I be assured again that him watching porn is ok? I understand all men do it and blah blah blah but for some reason in the depths of my heart it's a front I'm not willing to put on any longer? Any advice?
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (30 March 2011):
 You have to talk to him about this. Witholding sex won't help anything, it will just make him want to use porn more. If he won't even discuss it with you, you may want to see a couples counselor. I also have heard great things about the book The Porn Trap, as a way for couples to talk things out and understand one another (especially for him to understand where you're coming from).
A
female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (30 March 2011):
 I agree with Battista and dirtball. Communication is going to help this problem. You also need to determine if you even ok with porn at all. If not, like Battista said, you may have to leave this man.
But, holding out, and other games many women play to get what they want usually create more problems then they solve. And as statistics show, most men turn to other means of fulfillment when they are not getting it at home. I'm not saying he will cheat on you, but holding out may put the idea in his head.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (29 March 2011):
 I'm with Battista on this one. Communication is the only way to get through this.
In my opinion, it's not so much the fact that he's using porn that's your problem, but rather that he's lying to you about it and it has started to negatively affect your sex life. That's the sign that his porn use is becoming a problem in his life, and he may be an addict. Most men do watch some porn, but what you describe is more than just watching it. It's lying about it and hiding it. That causes trust issues and begins a very negative cycle.
Follow your heart. If your heart is telling you not to put up with this, then don't, and leave. There are better men out there.
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A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (29 March 2011):
OP if you are unhappy about the porn then you don't need to force yourself to believe that it's "OK." You can have your own ideas about it. I am no surprised you are unhappy if your sex life has gone downhill but he is looking at a lot of porn.
What I would say, however, is that witholding sex isn't going to solve anything, especially if your bf doesn't know the reasons behind why you are doing it. He will just think you aren't interested and probably turn to porn even more. HOw can you expect him to know for sure the reasons why you are witholding sex? He's not a mindreader. Playing games like this- even though I have to say I can understand why you are doing it- is always a destructive thing to do, and will probably just create more problems.
The only way to deal with this is for you to talk to your bf and tell him exactly how you feel. Communication over the this is the only way to resolve this matter. If porn is a deal breaker for your then you will have to tell him this. It doesn't mean he is necessarily going to stop, however, unless you tell him how you feel he isn't going to change his ways.
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