A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have myself in a bit of a predicament. I have three children and have been married for 14 years. Like all marriages ours have had its ups and downs. We were married young. I was 18 and he was 19. Neither of us had been in a serious relationship before. After being married for about 7 years we started talking about what it would be like to have sex with someone else. We decided to try this out and each have a time to sleep with another person. I did it first and instantly regretted it. It was his turn and he did it and I became jealous and said a lot of things to him that were not nice and lied to him about the man I slept with. I told him I had not. Of course, a few days later I admitted to him that I had and that I wanted to work things out. He became upset and very distant. I thought it was because of this other woman so I left. Long story short, he moved in with her and after 6 rocky weeks of being back and forth we got back together. He still wanted to do some experimentation so we tried "couple" swapping and met three different couples and swapped partners. I honestly was not comfortable with this and told him so. He wanted to continue to engage in this and I at first said no. He badgered me and so I gave permission for him to have sex with several different women. The last woman he wanted to have sex with became a really close friend to him and I and I told him that I didn't want him to have sex with her. He became agitated about that. Now wait, there is more to this story. I am not perfect and have made a lot of mistakes. I made some financial blunders (not huge but blunders) and lied or was decietful about them and when he found out he was very upset. For the past 6 months though I have been truly honest with him about all of these things. He said that he forgave me and we were moving on. In September of last year he was injured at work and has been seeing doc after doc about his injury and is unable to work. About a month ago, he was told that he would never get any better. Now for the rest of the above story. He has been spending a lot of time at her house, because she recently moved and was needing help. I became jealous and told him that I felt it was unfair to me and the kids that he was spending so much time over there. He continued to go over there. He would spend two days over there and then a day at home. I felt that it was "token" days spent with me and that he really didn't want to be there. He says now that I became cold and distant when he tried to spend time with me and that I through her in his face. I may have because I was hurt. The final argument was just a few days ago and he was texting her and talking on the phone. I told him I knew that he couldn't go a whole day without talking to her. I also told him he needed to change the ring tone on his phone for her to "Lips of an Angel". Apparantly this was the final straw for him. I apologized the next day and told him that I was sorry. I had a hysterectomy in May and I have had a hard time getting my hormones on track. He left me two days later. He says that he can't focus on the positive when I am around. He says that I am decietful, a liar, and many other things and that he can't trust me. He says he needs time to think and that he can't do that if he is around me. I am trying to give him the time and space that is necessary but I do not know if this is something we can work through. I want to work through it, I want to at least try. We have been through more. I am not perfect, but neither is he and I am willing to forgive his faults, why can't he forgive mine?
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (30 August 2009):
 This is truly tragic. The victims in this circumstance are you and the children.
Your husband has gotten you involved in a difficult relationship.
It is possible to love many people at once. And it is possible to be in love with many people at once.
But its a difficult juggling act to be sure.
I think you are better off just letting him lean towards leaving at this stage.
The fact of the matter is that he is not sexually satisfied with either you or his other woman.
You are struggling with health issues, jealousy, rage, and his hurtful attitude towards you.
After 14 years of marriage, I can see the consternation here. He has grown accustomed to living in a captain's paradise. He has you and he has someone else, and he spends time with both. If your relationship with him were better and more solid, and if you were comfortable sharing him with this other woman then I could see it being workable, but just barely.
The swinging lifestyle has a different set of operant rules within its boundaries. You tried it, regretted it and he has not and instead embraced this lifestyle to the extent that he has now adopted another woman in his life.
The old school says we devote ourselves to one spouse or mate at a time.
The swinging school says that we devote ourselves to one spouse or mate at a time, but we can have meaningless sex with other people as a hobby.
Both schools conflict on sharing our bodies outside of our marriages.
I can only advise you that if he is so inclined to leave you, then its probably best to show him to the door. Maybe he will be forced to decide whether to stay with you and not go away, or go away and never return.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009): hi, you will survive this. he seems to be craving sex all the time. is he now addicted to sex? yes please concentrate on yourself and the kids. value yourself again and do not allow him to destroy you. life is too short, so if he is not interested and keep finding faults, then it is time to let him go. perhaps say good riddance to work on your own life.good luck. please get a std/sti check up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009): He called today and we talked. Apparantly, his desire to have other women is because I am not willing to do much in the bedroom. He says we only have three different positions and that I do not like to try new things. He also said that I am not interested in sex and that I never want it. I told him that I was sorry he felt that way but that I felt that this was also something that we could work through. I told him that having three kids makes it difficult to have sex all the time. He claims that this is just an excuse. He also says that I do not want to try new things. I have been willing to try some new things. Just a few months ago I let him tie me up. I have some things that I do not like to do during sex. I do not mind giving him oral but I do not like to recieve it; I do not like to be on top because it makes me feel uncomfortable. I believe as I told him that this is another issue that we can work through if he is willing. He said that he was "leaning" toward leaving even though I told him if he leaves it will be permanent. I honestly believe that we can work through this, but he doesn't seem to think that we can. He is more interested in finding fault right now. I guess I am going to have to just let go. I do not know what else to do. I am going to concentrate on my kids and myself and hope for the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009): you may want to work at your marriage but your husband does not. he has made it clear. right now, he is used to his freedom and he is constantly witht he other woman. he has now invested in his relatiosnhsip with her. i know you want to save this marriage, but honey, it is time to let go. he is just not worth this trouble, this panic and this mess. he is used to having sex with different people and nothing you do will stop him. right now, you are not enough for him, no matter what you do and say.all i can say is dust yourself and try again......with someone else. you are young, you also made mistakes. you have admitted them but he is just not worth all this sleepless nights and tears. babes, you need to move on. this marriage is finished, not by your lack of trying but because he has this other woman, and he has told you NO.please do not lower yourself anymore, you still should have some pride.you say you have gotten into some financial problems.....do you have any addiction problems. if yes, then you firstly need to work on them. work on your life, better yourself and move out of this vicious circle you have been with , with your husband. it is not too late to re deem yourself. love yourself and love who you will become. don't let your husband pull you down any further.good luck and hugs. it will get better only if you change and accept this marriage is over. do not go around in circles. make a clean break and make peace with your life.
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A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (25 August 2009):
 Yeah, it sounds like a very difficult situation you are in. Your question is "I'm willing to forgive his faults; why can't he forgive mine?" In answer to that question... it sounds like he can't "forgive" yours because you are trying to change the rules now and he likes things the way they are...But the real question I'm hearing in your explanation is "can it be saved?" I am assuming that you want it saved and you want to go back to an exclusive healthier relationship? Well, I read a scenario in Dr. Dobson's book "Tough Love" that was almost exactly like your story.Look for that book I think its just what you need.If this relationship has a chance, you're going to have to work quickly and change YOU! Forget about him forgiving you, in fact for a while forget him. You need to forgive yourself and you need to get your life back, instead of this desperate spiral downward. Right now, regardless of what you've both agreed to, he has no respect left for you, but that can all change.When you get your life back, you may be able to lead him by example into a different lifestyle... and if not you will be in a much healthier state of mine to let go. My heart goes out to you and I am so glad you are trying to pull yourself out of this mess. May God bless your efforts, no matter the outcome.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009): Well this is hard for any of us to say because we're not inside his head and haven't even heard his side of the story. But if you want my best guess, it is as follows:
He's not working on the marraige with you and trying to learn forgiveness and trust again, because of the other woman. If it were only the two of you in the picture, then he would have you to lose and nothing to gain but now i'm guessing that he sees this as an oppoertunity to be with the other woman without it being unfaithful and without giving you the right to be upset. He now HAS something to gain in leaving you.
He is being immature and not thinking clearly. Sure, he'll be happy with her for a little while, but 6 months down the road, my bets on he'll be missing you and realizing he's a dumb ass. He's having his fun right now and isn't interested in settling down again quite yet. Some people can handle getting married that young and some people begin to regret the people they may have lost out on. That's the phase he is going through. That's why he's been insistent on sleeping around. That was a door that should have NEVER been opened by the two of you. A lot of couples do it and a lot of women get left feeling insecure and paranoid. I wish people would just not do it. He is YOUR husband. If he ever works though this and does realize that he loves you and only wants to be with you, then don't let anyone touch him ever again! Keep him and hold him as your own treasure. He should have done the same thing with you!
Obviously, you need to work on yourself as well while you're waiting for him to come around. If he does, then great, you'll be the person he fell in love with again. But if he doesn't, then you hold your head up and be a better person for the next man.
I think if you can work you flaws out and genuinly show him that you are trying, wait a few months, and not get in his face or smother him, this will take another turn to your favour again.
Is he a marine by any chance?
Ok well good luck to you,
~Sy.
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