A
female
age
,
*ister1959
writes:My husband and I both smoke. I know it's a nasty, unhealthy, disgusting habit but we have it, nonetheless. We don't smoke in other people's homes out of respect for their space but feel we have the right to do what we want in our own home. Yesterday, my step daughter in law contacted me and said they were coming to visit for two days at Thanksgiving and said that my husband and I could not smoke while they were here.Hubby and I discussed it and although not happy about it and out of respect for the small kids, have decided we would smoke in the office with the door closed and our air filtration system going. I am just annoyed that someone would tell me what I can do in my own home. My husband's whole family is like this-- kids, in laws and grandkids. My husband has always let them tell him what to do and he's done it. I'm in the picture now and I don't like being told what to do.Bad thing is that this daughter in law will stay for two days, eat more food than a logger, let her kids trash our house and not offer to pick up or wash a dish. It's happened countless times before. If I am willing to compromise my lifestyle for two days, how do I get her to pitch in and help? We have other guests coming and I'm tired of the lazy (and demanding) kids and grandkids. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Sister1959 +, writes (19 November 2009):
Sister1959 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your helpful suggestions -- with the exception of the "anonymous reader" who's comments I found offensive and a bit on the snittish side.
To that reader, I certainly hope that someone comes to your house and forbids you to drink your coffee, tea or whatever vice you may have. Or perhaps tells you to not cook a particular item as it is "unhealthy". A person's home is just that......"THEIR home" and whatever decisions made there should be their own. Ummmmmmmm.....not exactly rocket science!!!
I do care about the children's health. That is why we are smoking in the office. I do not care for a pushy daughter in law who tells me what to do.
Again, thanks to the rest of you. Your answers were quite helpful! : )
A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (18 November 2009):
 It's good that you're not smoking around the kids... secondhand smoke is potentially more dangerous than firsthand smoke.
Just a suggestion, but have you tried to quit smoking? This is your health, and so very important. I've never been on chemotherapy *knock on wood* but I know for a fact that it's hell. The minute you quit smoking, you begin undoing some of the damage.
There is no excuse for a guest to be trashing your house. Tell her that you love having her, but that you expect the kids to pick up after themselves. You shouldn't have to do it; you're not her maid.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): its your home! as far as i know when people visit your home they go with your rules, if you visit theres then you go by there rules. people do not come to your home and tell you what you do in it. smoking in the office as you said is good enough, if she doesnt like it she can always go back to her own home.
as for the mess, if you can stand it just leave it all after them and once they leave let your man clear up after them.
or you could just go away for thanksgiving :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): That does not sound like fun.I think it is generous of you to not smoke in your house while the kids are there. But in general, this sounds like a bigger problem than grandkids for two days. Why don't you set the rules for the house which include keeping the house clean? With your daughter-in-law try asking directly and politely. With kids, tell them what you expect them to do and set firm boundaries. And let your husband know in advance that you are planning on doing that. It is your house as well. Most men are just afraid of conflict in the house so they seem like pushovers. But in reality, if you look like you have it under control he'll leave you to it. However, do not lose control and show anger or malice. Polite but firm is the way to go :)It it works, great. Otherwise, you just need to grit your teeth and be the bigger person.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): I think I'd be tempted to tell her that you're going away for thanksgiving.
Assuming you're not going to do that, I'd recommend telling her that it's your holiday as well and she and her kids will be expected to treat you and your home with respect, and if they make a mess she'll be expected to clear it up. Also the kids will be expected to behave themselves. Basically, you'll respect their wishes if they respect yours.
As for the smoking, well, it's your house so tell her you'll smoke in it whenever and wherever you feel like smoking and you're not going to be dictated to - especially by someone who invites themself into your home! The bloody cheek of it! However, if you've any respect for the kids health the sensible thing would be to get out in the fresh air to smoke if possible.
If they don't respect you or your home, smoke as per usual. Respect goes both ways.
...............................
A
female
reader, dazey  +, writes (18 November 2009):
I smoke, but if I have kids around I always do so outside out of respect for them, they are often dragged round by their parents so it is not their choice to be in a smoky environment. The effects of passive smoking are well-established so you can at least feel moral when you're smoking outside.What I would like to ask is whether this step-daughter-in-law actually told you she would be visiting, or asked you whether she could visit? Subtle but big difference. It sounds as though your man's family don't respect his space as his own, and see it rather as a family space. If so I can't advise you how to assert dominion over your home, but I feel as though you should. Maybe start by asking (uninvited?) guests to leave the room while you smoke?
...............................
|
