| A
male
,
anonymous
writes: dear cupid, i am i white man engaged to a black woman i love her so much but my family is pretty much making me choose them or her can you help me?
View related questions:
engaged Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2005): I'm white, he's black. You know what, the families got to go. Don't get me wrong I love my family, but do they love me back? If they aren't supportive of what or who makes me happy, then how can they stand there and say that they love me. I could never leave my man b/c of the racist mind set of my family. Since when does love have a color, have you asked them that? My family is becoming more and more accepting as the see how happy he is making me. They WILL get over it, it's not worth to leave someone you love for something so silly. Live your life, not the life they want you to live.
A
female
reader, StarNews +, writes (27 December 2005):
 There is not much that needs to be said about this subject. Its plain and simple. Your family is making the choice to let you go, by demanding that you choose. You love her, so you have already made your decision. Your family is showing you conditional love. They are telling you to choose her or to choose them. They love you only under certain conditions, that you leave the woman you love because of her color. Tell your family that you do love them, and you will dearly miss them. And leave it at that.
...............................
A
female
reader, Firefox +, writes (21 December 2005):
hello,i have found myself in a similiar situation where i had to make the choice,my advice is to follow your heart,you are an adult now and your parents and others become relatives,your soon to be wife and kids will be your new family,dont let them steal your joy,i say go for it,bye
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2005): marry her and forget your family, if they cant except you are happy, then thats their problem not your wifes.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2005): old saying... YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDS BUT NOT YOUR FAMILY; so why stay with your family? you arent a child anymore you dont need your parents, and im sure your family will in a few years or so, apologise and want you back, nothing should get in da way of true love
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2005): wow. that is a really tough call. the woman you love and the family who raised you. if it were me, i think i would choose my lover as long as you are sure that she feels the same way about you as you feel about her. this is not to disrespect the value of family though. your family got you to where you are today, and this woman is going to be your wife and take you the rest of the way through life.
the ideal situation would be to sit your family down and tell them all the wonderful things about your fiancee and how much you love her. try to convince them that she is the one for you, and that you love her with all your heart. et them know that they raised you up to know the difference between right and wrong, and you just believe that this is right--regardless of skin colour. it sounds as though your family is being racist. the only way to stop racism is to fight against it, so i would recommend fighting for your woman and for what's right..to you. this is YOUR life and you should be able to run it the way that YOU want to. remmeber that.
...............................
A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (12 December 2005):
simple answer is choose her. however, find out if there's a valid reason for your family not to like her. if it's just the colour of her skin then explain to your family that you love this woman for who she is and they should try too
...............................
A
female
reader, gojoe +, writes (12 December 2005):
wow, my husband had the same ultimatum from his family, and he decided to marry me. im black and my husband is white, and his family had to accept that this is his life and not theres. your going to have to decide to find which decision you can live with forever. having your family madd at you, or losing a true love, hint, your family if they love you as much as they say they do ,should get over it. you need to put them on the spot, and ask them whats the problem, and ask them to pick betwen acc epting what you did, or losing you as a son.
...............................
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (12 December 2005):
 It's sad and short-sighted of your family to put you in this position. I hope that you have better support from your finacee's family, because - as romantic as it sounds right now - it can be really tough having only yourselves to rely on, with no family for backup.
I think that if you're confident that this woman is the one you want to be with always, that you have to choose her, and hope that your family will come around in time.
Alternatively, maybe the two of you can defer the wedding plans for a while, until your family get to know her as a person a bit better. Hopefully, that will be the key to their acceptance of her.
You can easily marry this woman and be happy, but it would be a shame for your family (whom you obviously care about) to miss out on your collective joy, and getting to know your children, when and if you have them.
But please don't let your family make this choice for you, as it will only set a bad precedent for the future, as if they have the final say in the choices you make about your own life. Having said that, let them know that you are considering their point of view and whether it has any merit. Listen carefully to their objections, and think about what they're saying. If it's just mindless, racist claptrap, feel free to ignore them. But maybe they have actual problems with your girlfriend, and not just her race, so give yourself a chance to listen.
Should you decide to marry your fiancee, only you can tell when or how long it might be before your family start to see her good qualities, as you do. In the meantime, there can be a lot of hurt feelings an resentment. That's why it might be a good idea to have a reasonably long engagement.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (12 December 2005):
 There is no easy way when dealing with matters of the heart and family. You either give up your true love or your family. I came from a family (white) where it was forbidden to date out side of our race and if we should become pregnant with a mixed child, that child would never be allowed in their house, nor the childs father. It is this up bringing that leads me to believe that it is up to us to not let the ignorance of our parents decide our lives for us. You are both adults and if yout two are happy that is what matters. Your parents will either learn to accept and love her or they will miss out on the wonderful experience of watching their child become a family with a great person. Be aware that it will be a stressful time for everyone if you choose to marry against their will, but remember that it is not your fault or hers. Love each other and be there for each other, you will surely need a shoulder to cry on. Good Luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, kiwidew69 +, writes (12 December 2005):
Hello there.I myself am a white female..who has never dated outside my race.
I think that it may depend on your familys morals and ethic beliefs...as to why they are like this.I know if I had brought home someone of a different race..my family would have dis-owned me.)
But..if you love this girl..that is ALL that matters,as long as you have both discussed the problems this could cause along the way (not only with your family..and possibly hers) but also when you decide to have children..how society may choose to accept or not accept your children. If you have discussed this..next I believe you should set your family down (with your girl not there...weddings are tramatic enough there is no reason for her to have to get involved with how YOUR FAMILY acts) if probably really has NOTHING to do with her, but of their beliefs.)) I would ask them why they don't approve...and tell them that you would really appreciate their blessing for this marriage...that it means alot to both you and her as well. I would also let them get to know her a little better.Maybe ask your mom and dad to go out to eat...and bring your girl along too..I am sure she is a sweet person.If they do not give their blessing there isn't much else you can do.Whatever you decide to do..good luck.
...............................
|
